elderly dad.

[The80sweregreat]

I have written here before, last year i think, about my dad who is 95 and lives alone. It was concerning his ' musical hallucinations' , which has been most written off as him having tinnitus or just his age.

We did mention to a doctor back in feb falling a fall that he had, but she was very dismissive. Google has thrown up a few things about this condition , which is rare, but does exist.
This past week his behaviour has gotten much worse - started on tuesday when he put the microwave on for too long ( he has the wiltshire foods and been using this microwave for years and years and it was old) He nearly smoked himself out. We have bought a new one, but he cant use it , been shown around 10 times and has instructions written down, but is driving my poor brother mad by ringing up saying he cant work it. It is very basic and i feel bad as i bought it thinking it would be easy and basic enough, even if its not the same as the old one. He had trouble yesterday.
i saw him friday and the singing has got worse, he will sit there humming loudly over any conversation and goes on about how there is a man singing in the street - all very very old songs from the 1940s and some are just made up tunes. It is very wearing.

He was confused today on the phone over what happened to the old microwave and there was further confusion about money. My brother had to see him yesterday and there may have been a bit of a row as dad is now making things up and my brother has had enough on his plate with another family member with illness ( she is now in a home) and my sil isnt very sympathetic either.
I have done all i can, but i live 25 miles away and i cant always get to him - we all work and none of us live close by. The singing is the worst thing though - he will sing the whole song all the way through - we are all a bit fed up listening to it. Yet doctors etc do not seem to think its anything to worry about.
He is so confused with this new gadget and we cant get there every lunch time to do the meals. i know i sound very self pitying, but he has been alone for 7 years now and despite doing our best we feel very alone and i know that the health professionals wont be able to do much. he doesnt want to go into a home, or have carers. he is very stubborn and, although we wanted him to move home to be near to one of us, he just wouldnt and now its this situation.
I think it could be the first signs of dementia, although he has had uti's in the past that has made him a bit peculiar - he does drink water and tea and not complained about his water works or passing blood.
I know i need him to see his GP, but i;m not confident they will do much really. He had forgotton i went there on friday and its sad he has turned on my brother , as he has been very good to him. his short term memory is really bad and getting much worse too.
sorry for the rant, just wondered if anyone had any other advice?

[thesandwich]

80's this sounds really hard.
My DM has these auditory hallucinations- blames her poor lovely neighbours. They are worse when she is worried about something or run down.
I do think you could use the microwave as an opportunity to arrange to get carers to come in to cook his lunch? Is there anyone who he would listen to who could tell him this was the alternative to a care home? Age uk may be able to offer advice.

[The80sweregreat]

thesandwich, thank you so much for you reply. yes, my brother said that we all need to see the GP ( without him) and maybe have a carer just for lunchtimes ( if that could be arranged) my fil has a man come into him at 11 each day for an hour.
it would stop us worrying - however, he did ring me back today and said that he used it okay, but its hard to know if he did or not! my poor brother is so good with him, but his wife isnt as much and is annoyed when he rings him up with problems ( he rings me too, but he tends to ring him more!) he is too old to move home - a care home might be answer further down the line, but it would totally upset him ( he is so attached to his council place) my brothers are on the case now i think and we do have POA in place - just really hard as i feel guilty we dont live closer to him and it was me that bought him the new microwave ( although the old one was on its last and he had it for 10 years or more)

[thesandwich]

Sounds like the idea of someone coming in for lunch could be a real help. It's worth trying to progress that- might be a way to delay a move to a care home.
Good luck- loads of support and wisdom on the long running elderly parent thread- come and join the club no one wants to be in!

[The80sweregreat]

Thank you so much. Its hard isnt it?
Not sure what to do for the best sometimes.

[thesandwich]

Yes it is do hard- there are no easy answers but looking after ourselves is important and often gets lost

[SlB09]

It does sound like dementia and not normal cognitive decline, however alot of time alone can contribute. This may be a safety issue for your dad and it might be worth asking your gp (or ringing yourself) to refer to his district nurses for an assessment, especially if theres weight loss, continence idssues, worries if taking tablets properly etc. They may be able to get through to your dad in terms of needing help, or suggest some safety devices that might reduce your anxieties and allow his independance.
I would also make a double appointment with the GP and ask for a referral to your local memory clinic (they might want to do blood tests prior just to rule out other causes), there he can be properly assessed and they may provide day centre services to help. There are also befriending services, its worth getting in touch with Age UK who can tell you whats available in your area and suggest support for family/carers, dont forget church groups aswell. It is difficult, ensure you get POA health and finance if your dad agrees (if he has the capacity to do so).

[The80sweregreat]

Thank you for your reply. We have POA in place ( last year) and my brother is going to see if we can see his gp this week.
He had a memory test in feb with a locum gp. He was Borderline then.
He is lovely, but the singing is getting us all down.
Its so odd!
Anyway, thank you both again. X

[Needmoresleep]

If he has a council place, could you ask about a transfer to sheltered housing, ideally one with a 24 hour warden. Certainly in London and the south east, Councils can be keen to assist such moves, as there is such a shortage of Council housing. Being in very sheltered (albeit private), with a community around her has really helped my mum and will have delayed her moving into a home for at least five years. When she moved in four and half years ago, she was probably at the point your dad is at now, and would have hated a home. With the extra support she gets, when she finally has to move into a home she will have no idea where she is anyway.

[The80sweregreat]

We may have to look into this i think - he is up and down just now. i spoke to him this morning and he said he was shaky and shivery , but he sounded a bit more ;'with it' than he did yesterday, much more his old self ( although he said he didnt feel well, but thats usual for him sometimes and he feels better after his breakfast)
there are a few sheltered places in essex , where he lives, but a lot have also lost their wardens in the cut backs. my brother is going up there later on today and i am going tomorrow as he has the hospital anyway about his heart. its all go with him. he does appreciate it, but his behaviour has been erratic for a while now.Some of it is a mystery.

[The80sweregreat]

half hour of a carers time with one company is 13.60 a day.
nearly 100 a week!