Chronic illness and deteriorating health

[AhAgain]

Hi

Have posted s few times before. Mum has various chronic illnesses (COPD, IBS, bladder/continency issues, fibromyalgia and - most recently - wet macular degeneration). She is remission for Stage 4 breast cancer (still receiving 3 weekly drug infusions) and also 6.5 years clear of Stage 2 lung cancer (unrelated to god breast cancer). She is 78.

In the past 18/24 months the COPD is getting more chronic: two hospitalisations and a few near misses. She is still smoking and the worse her health is (including the COPD), the more she smokes.

The wet macular degeneration is bad. She is receiving monthly injections for it, but think that she has too much scarring (two injections down and not much of an improvement - it might actually be worse..). She hasn't driven since mid-Feb and I am sure that she won't again (not sure she has realised it though). She dye can't drive, she is very reluctant to go out. She is not a bus or taxi person or a walker. I have encouraged her to go out for walks (she lives on a lovely marina with a convenience store, postbox and few cafes within easy walking distance), but she won't. Since she has stopped driving (3.5 moths) she is noticeably more physically frail and condfused

I live an hour away. I try to see her once/twice a week and speak to her most nights (often every night), but I am worried. She just seems unhappy and things are looking bleaker. She has a couple of good neighbours, but one lives away 6 months a year and the other is regularly away too.

I have repeatedly encouraged her have done extra help: a couple of afternoons a week - mainly for companionship and to help her run errands, plus doing any tasks that she finds difficult. She does already have a cleaner. She doesn't want more help though - she sees it as loosing her independence. However I argue that help could give her more independence and keep her independent for longer. I also want her to have an occupational health (for the visually impaired) assessment - she is really struggling with her sight -but she still won't accept that things won't radically change. I am also trying to encourage her towards sheltered accommodation closer to me, but she doesn't want to make any decisions whilst she is so unwell - I am concerned that she won't massively improve ever. I feel that good sheltered accommodation (there is a very nice new development near us) could give her access to help onsite, social activities, amenities, trips to the local supermarket. Physical support and mental/emotional stimulation.

She does have horrible physical problems, but I think that she is increasingly isolated and so just dwelling on them and not in any ways distracted. So more depressed and smoking more and even less likely to make an effort to get distracted - all a vicious circle.

I keep trying to encourage her to get out, be sociable, find distractions, find things to love for, but she won't have it (to be honest she hasn't since my dad died 13 years ago, but it has gotten worse over time, and now she can't drive...). She says that she "likes her own company" (fair enough, but don't think it stops her being isolated and depressed through lack of socialisation) and also that "she can do it, she can get through the day!". I know that she can do it, but I think that she could make life easier and a lot more pleasant if she accepted some help and was a bit less self-destructive. It seems like a vicious circle that I can't talk her out of.

Sorry, a complete rambling essay. Not really sure what I am trying to say. Apart from is there any way that I can help my mum to take some joy in life? And preferably not make life so difficult for herself? 😕

[thesandwich]

Sorry again this sounds really tough- but sadly unless she will accept help there is not much you can do. Is there anyone else who's advice she might take? Doctor/ priest?
You can't change her- only protect yourself- easier said than done. Vent away here- lots of support.

[watchingitallagain]

I'm with Sandwich. You can't force these changes on her.

Macular Degeneration is awful. My Grandfather suffers with it. He now has audiobooks and even a talking watch that have changed his life. He fiercely resisted even this though until his sight became so bad that he was just sat doing nothing. He's ninety two and still doesn't want to be seen as old.