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FIL with Parkinsons

(3 Posts)
SanityClause Mon 15-Dec-14 11:33:38

Where do I start?

DH has always had a difficult relationship with his parents. He is an only child, but effectively the "scapegoat" of the family, with his cousins cast as "golden". MIL is the bully, and FIL enables her. (When DH is not there, it is FIL who is in line for the bullying.)

They live about 3 hours drive away, and we have teenage children, so we can't visit very frequently. However, DH has gone up there overnight, this weekend. PIL are in their late 70s, early 80s.

So. Now FIL appears to have Parkinsons. He first started losing feeling in his feet around two years ago. He now shakes all the time. MIL will not allow him to carry cups of tea, for fear of spilling on her precious carpet, but is perfectly happy for him to cook roast dinners, with the associated trays of boiling hot fat, etc.

FIL will not accept he has Parkinsons (and I do realise there are other conditions with some similar symptoms). Apparently he still drives, sometimes, and I know I will need to inform the DVLA. (Will this be anonymous? There would be big trouble if they discovered it was me, but I know it has to be done, nonetheless.) He has always done DIY around the house, and is currently trying to re-wire a cooker in, although it works perfectly well on it's own plug, and has for the past 7 years. I am really worried about him coming to some harm. MIL expects him to do this DIY, and if she decides she wants. say, new tiles in the kitchen, she will just buy some, and start chipping the old ones off, so he has to do it.

He just has no strength, and will not be able to cope with the gardening etc once the weather warms up. There are steps up to the lawn, and he will not be able to lift the mower. They have enough money to pay a gardener, but MIL will be reluctant to spend the money.

We have tried to persuade them many times to come and live closer to us. We have sent details of suitable properties, but MIL has two main objections. Firstly, she has an elderly sister (in her 90s) who lives about 15 mins drive away from them. MIL says she needs to look after her, (although PIL can barely look after themselves). Secondly, they would only be able to buy a small bungalow or apartment near us, for the money that their house would sell for. MIL will not accept this - she expects to release some capital when she sells.

There are some really lovely assisted living flats just along the road from us. This would be perfect, as we could do their shopping if needed, and pop in every day, and they would be a really short walk to bus stops. Also, they would have funds left over from the sale of their house, which may make it more palatable to MIL. But if MIL won't do this, and insists on remaining where they are, what can we best do to ensure they have the support they need?

Can we speak to their GP? Will adult SS be able to help, or is the situation not extreme enough, yet?

Sorry for the rambling OP. I'm just trying to get my head round it.

Hesalovernotabiter Tue 16-Dec-14 17:33:57

Hi, I didn't just want to read and run but I don't think I can offer much help.

It's so difficult isn't it... I do know that social services would be a good place to start but I also know that if your PIL tell them they are fine then they must leave it at that.

Hope someone comes along soon with more helpful info. Me and DP are just embarking on our own journey with ss etc regarding his elderly parents. Everyone seems very pleasant but the service user has to accept help which can be the hardest part sad

PingPongBat Wed 17-Dec-14 17:01:43

Sorry to hear about your FIL. So many people who post here have similar situations, where elderly parents' health is failing, but they are absolutely determined to keep their independence & their own home. Acceptance of getting old & infirm takes time, & sometimes a crisis, to prompt people to recognise they need help.

Has your FIL been formally diagnosed? Perhaps a starting point might be to contact their GP surgery / local Social Services & find out whether there are any local therapists/nurses for Parkinsons sufferers, & pass the info onto your PILs, to make them aware that there is help there if they do decide they need it? Parkinson's UK have a helpline (0808 800 0303) which is for anyone affected by the disease.

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