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Parents bullying other parents in school

(20 Posts)
kathsmj Mon 13-Dec-04 17:37:39

Hi, I am a little embarressed to say the least to need to ask for help on this issue but I have never concieved I would need to face this sort of problem. I think I am becoming the victim of bullying as a parent, incredible I know but I am crumbling into a state of feeling is it me going insane or is it fact?
It's a case of my little boy wants to be friends with another little boy in his class and the mother is giving me the impression that she hates my son and is really rude to him and I get so angry but being the person I am I feel too scared to make an issue of it and am encouraging my son to make new friends without saying anything detrimental towards this other little boy but it seems the mother doesn't really care what attitude she has towards my son, she is really rude to him and about him, she thinks he is naughty and honestly, that is the last thing he is. I am getting to the point of wanting to put my boy in a different school as she is making me feel as if we are not good enough for her son, she is very snooty and despite my boy being a loving and friendly little chap, also with his foibles (as all children have), it seems she simply doesn't wish to have any involvement at all. I don't wish to push it and force anyone into anything and am quite happy to keep my distance but she has recently moved into my street and almost directly opposite me.
I think she thinks I am too stupid to work out her looks, words and actions, but I am far from it, I maybe a nervy type of person but I know how to read body language and usually act on my instincts and they are very negative ones. I don't know how to explain to my son either that his best schoolmate's parent/s don't really want him to go to their house, yet I have had their son to mine quite a few times and with pleasure, I don't think I'd ever trust them with my son ever again anyway now, even if the situation did change. I want to say that if she wants to pick on someone her own size then come for it, but I don't want trouble at school for my boy, but in a round about way she is getting at me as my circle of friends has to change as a result of her being in it, I can't go to any of them in confidence as that would backfire on me and I would look like the malicious one, so I am over a barrel on this one.
A very awkward situation and one I feel very hurt about. Most of the things she says and does are out of sight and earshot of the other friends and she portrays herself as an angel too. She is so sly. Advice welcome please.

ernest Mon 13-Dec-04 21:20:50

Sounds very tough. I'm sorry. What sort of thing does she say to you? What does she do? How old is your ds? Is he actually aware of it? Is this behaviour in school or outside? If it's in school the staff should be informed if she is being unpleasant to your son.

Sorry, can't really give good advice as you've not really given any specifics, but it does sound unpleasant. Maybe you can give more details & others will be able to come along & advise to. This is by no means not the first thread about parental bullying, so you're not alone.

tigermoth Tue 14-Dec-04 10:36:29

How exactly is this person rude to your son and rude about him? It sounds very unpleasant. No wonder you don't want your son to visit her house.

Berchta Wed 15-Dec-04 00:07:43

if she is saying these things in front of you and expecting you to just nod and smile akwardly - then instead you should act dim and say " i dont know what you mean " which will force her to explain a little further then still act dim and say " no i dont really understand" then as she talks more and more - she will get herself into a situation she cant get out of - i'll bet on it

Berchta Thu 16-Dec-04 19:49:21

hows it going?

Edena Mon 03-Jan-05 18:43:45

Hi My son (5.7mth) goes back to school on the 5th and we are both dreading it. Me because of the sly looks, the open confrontations, the phonecalls and text messages, Im tough but even they can crack me so loads of tissues in the car. For my son its the kids repeating patrents phrases - stay away from him darling hes trouble, dont play with him he'll hurt you. Ignore him if he plays up or hides under the table etc etc. He only gets 2 hours 1 to 1 a week so if I kept him at home for the other 28 the LEA have told me I;d be in prison and Jack in care!
I have made verbal and written complaints to the Head, govenors, teachers and LEA, they say its a school issue so they will deal with it - but where are they in the playground early in the morning. No I am not looking forward to school term Jan 2005! Good Luck Be brave

KBear Mon 03-Jan-05 19:23:22

If they didn't like you or your son why would they let their son come to play at your house?

I would say (easy I know when it's not you) that drastic action is needed. And you have to be clever here... On the first day of term, walk straight up to her and invite her round for coffee, say it in front of the other mums, maybe invite one or two others. She will be flummoxed and will have to say yes. It could be the chance you need to have a good chat, perhaps work out what the real problems are and solve some of them.

Good luck, be brave.

tigermoth Mon 03-Jan-05 20:31:32

Poor you for dreading the beginning of term so much. You say your child gets some one to one each week. Is that because he is special needs in some way? There are lots of parents of special needs children who post on mumsnet and they may be able to help you make sense of this horrible situation, if you think your son being special needs is a factor. Don't know if it is - please excuse me if I am off track.

Jimjams Mon 03-Jan-05 20:35:20

Edena- why does your son have 1;1? have you put in a written request for a statement? Have a look at the IPSEA website for more info.....

alwayssaythanku Mon 17-Jan-05 23:19:29

Dear Kathsmj, read all your posts and its been a while since you posted. What has happened? Obviously this "woman" has severe social problems to have acted this way towards your son and you. she is more to be pitied than anything else. Rather than ruminating on this problem, i offer the following advice: Honestly ask her in front of others if she has a problem with you and your son, and back it up with your documented evidence when she denies it. Bullies can only be bullies when we bow down to them. Furthermore, i would never let this woman's boy in my house for fear of her making false allegations against you and your boy. Similarly, I would never let my child in her house for fear of his safety.

Demented Wed 19-Jan-05 14:46:13

I have encountered another Mum who behaved something along the lines of this (except she came over as very clingy and desperately wanting to be friends and her little boy seemed so nice I didn't argue). Agree with alwayssaythankyou about keeping her at arms length, the mother that I had dealings with had an overactive imagination (believed there were paedophiles waiting to leap over her garden wall and take her children when she wasn't looking and there were rapists standing on every street corner) and reported myself and DH to the CPU for alleged child abuse and even after she was shown to be mistaken she persisted in gossping all over the street and nursery. When things were taken to the nursery and a meeting was held she starting screaming about my son's behaviour and how much of a nightmare he is, accusing him of pushing her son onto a v v v busy road and me doing nothing about it (huge lie). All the time ignoring the nursery telling her that there is nothing wrong with my son and his behaviour was just typical of a 5 year old boy!

I would say exercise extreme caution if you don't need this woman and her child in your life then keep her out, sounds like she could have the potential to be a fruitcake like the mother I met who BTW took the opportunity to flee her house in the summer, they still own the house near us but are doing it up presumably to sell, guilty conscience? Unfortunately disappearing doesn't undo all the damage she has done.

alwayssaythanku Wed 19-Jan-05 19:48:57

OMG, no wonder you are demented !!! You poor thing. Some people have no lives and have to use their children to spice their own up. Also, you just never know who the parents of other kids really are. The kids may be great!. Its the parents you have to deal with. What an awful story. My son has just joined a toddler play group and I must keep my eye out for potential nut cases!!! More and more reason for me to opt out of the whole system and home school.
I hope that crazy lady leaves to go and live in the country somewhere far away from you. God help the country folk though.

tigermoth Wed 19-Jan-05 20:15:13

demented, you have my utmost sympathy. I had no idea this had happened to you. I don't know whether you mentioned it here on other threads. I had something similar happen to me, but on a smaller scale. Definitely agree that if in doubt, avoid - no matter how friendly the parent is or how nice the child.

Demented Wed 19-Jan-05 23:38:47

I haven't talked about it much on MN Tigermoth, I had no idea you had been through something similar either. Thankfully (quizzical emoticon) it was physical abuse she accused us of which was easily sorted out with an interview with a police officer and social worker, who interviewed my DS1 too (although I have no idea what he said as I was in too much of a state at the time to be with him ). My feeling on it is still that anyone with any concerns about a child should report the concerns to the appropriate authorities but never involve a third party and never ever gossip about it, when the situation is handed over to the authorities it should be none of their business anymore (unless of course at a later date they are once again concerned). Thankfully one or two in our street have now started to talk to us about it and have reassured us that they never doubted us and had major concerns about the other woman's mental health.

That being said initially she came over as so nice (in a desperate clingy sort of way, wanting to talk about all the technicalities of b/feeding in the middle of the street etc) that when she had her second DS I recommended she visit MN as I thought it was just some extra support she was after. Fortunately she doesn't use the computer (although her DP does) so I am hoping she has forgotten all about MN, and even if she is lurking I don't really care!

They appear to have only moved down the road but at least that means a different School, although I dread to think what she is telling her new neighbours as she had a few tall tales to tell when she moved here at first.

Alwayssaythankyou what you say about having no lives is true of this person. Doing the School run and sitting in her house with the blinds closed (presumably so no paedophiles or rapists could see in ). You have to be careful of the Mums you meet at Nursery/School etc it is true that you do not know what they are like. I met a lovely bunch of Mums at DS1's playgroup and naively assumed that was how it would always be. Don't let our experiences put you off, just act cautiously. My DS1 is now at School and most of his nursery friends are in the other class so I have found myself thrown in with another lot of Mums and am slowly opening up and chatting more (a year later), I don't suppose I'll ever be as open as I used to be but perhaps that's a good thing.

kathsmj sorry about hijacking your thread, how are things?

Demented Wed 19-Jan-05 23:39:59

Oooops, they do say it's good to talk!

You should hear me in full flight when I've got a glass of wine in hand!

alwayssaythanku Wed 19-Jan-05 23:44:27

Im so glad i read this thread. Cause i even noticed at ds1's toddler group, some women seem to have an attitude about them and their kids. My sons nappy was wet and it leaked into his trousers. I noticed a couple of women looking at him and at me. These women had the "perfect" looking little girls, with perfect clothes (which later got caked in finger paint and playdough). Anyway, i didnt think anything of it, but now after this thread, i am going to be very cautious. I of course would have no hesitation in telling anyone who said anything about me or to me, about my son, or me where to go and I would say it publicly. But its something to be aware of, just one more thing you gotta think about when you have kids.

tigermoth Thu 20-Jan-05 06:56:57

you and I should really talk some time over a glass of wine, demented. No outside agencies were involved in our case, but the gossip-spreading and wild accusations were enough I know exactly what you mean about now finding it difficult to open up.

Marina Thu 20-Jan-05 12:42:57

Was this who I think it was tigermoth ?
And so sorry to hear about your experiences too demented. I had a member of my postnatal support group, obviously a troubled young woman, spread rumours that I used to hit ds (a mere baby then) to the other mums. After she moved away from the area we cautiously shared experiences and found she had tried to say something vile about all of us to each other and none of us had taken the bait.
kathsmj are you there? How are things now?

Demented Thu 20-Jan-05 16:43:40

Could be a long evening Tigermoth! Although have the feeling we are at opposite ends of the country so probably not practical!

Sorry to hear your experiences too Marina.

Looks like this sort of thing is far more common that I would have ever thought.

IMO it's the gossiping that causes the hurt and harm, the agencies if they are decent can see the truth and even although the experience is painful at the time if it wasn't for the gossiping you could forget about it. I find myself at School thinking, this Mum or that Mum is a bit off this morning, wonder if they have heard her tales etc.

DH and I would never call ourselves perfect parents and have made mistakes, some of them huge. However my DS1 was telling me on the way home from School that he wished he could stay at home with me everyday instead of going to School because he loves me so much and misses me when he is away. Helps put the stupid gossip and lies into perspective, for today anyway!

tigermoth Thu 20-Jan-05 21:28:03

demented, that's lovely.

Knowing your children love you puts all the supidity into perspective, doesn't it? At that age, they have no side and say it like it is - a refreshing change from some adults. After this friend passed out of my life, I instinctively wanted to spend lots of time with my sons - minus any strange adult influences.

Yes, marina .

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