Is starting school always so haaarrrd!

[Boco]

DD1 started in reception class on Tuesday, and i wasn't at all worried, she's always liked nursery and had lots of friends, was looking forward to it, and really excited - i didn't really think too much about it.

She started school with her cousin who is the same age - so extra security for her. On the first day, she came home and sobbed for an hour because she hadn't been invited to a party that her other friends and her cousin have been invited to.

It was horrible - she was drawing all these pictures for this little girl to try to persuade her to like her so she wouldn't be left out.

Day one - and she was miserable and feeling insecure. That night she wet the bed for the first time since she was 2. All evening tonight she's been tearful asking why this girl doesn't like her enough to invite her.

She hasn't been drinking her juice at lunch time because she was too shy to ask anyone to help her with the straw. She also said she was worried about drinking in case she needed a wee and didn't know where the toilet was - and was too scared to ask anyone. I knew she was shy around new people and big groups, but didnt' know how painful she found it all. She's 5 in June - so still little, but suddenly clingy and worried and desperate to be accepted. I spoke to the teacher about the juice thing today , and she said she'd 'buddy her up' with someone, but dd said this didn't happen.

This evening she wouldn't eat, then felt sick, then was all hyperactive and silly, then tearful - is starting school always this emotionally fraught! I feel so awful for her, I don't want her to be so sad

[WideWebWitch]

Oh poor, poor her. In your position I'd go and talk to her teacher tomorrow and ask if either she can help sort it out or if you can stay for half an hour to settle her in. I did when my ds started reception, the teacher didn't mind, and I did when he started a new school in yr1, only for an hour.

And tell her that you will sort it out and she mustn't mind about parties because not everyone can go to every party but that doesn't mean the girl doesn't like her, it just means she only could choose a couple of people she knew to come but not to worry because you and she are going to do x on that day anyway.

So no, I don't tihnk it's always like this, I think she's been particularly unlucky in that they didn't show her where the loo was (WHYEVER not? They're tiny at that age!) and that party invite dilemmas came so soon.

[mckenzie]

Do go back and speak to the teacher again Boco. It's so different for all children. DS didn't settle that well to start with and we had tears at the classroom door most mornings for ages and so I know a bit how you feel and you have all my sympathy and support. But for your daughters sake I think you have to keep a smiley face and reassure her all the time.

I actually went into the school and took DS to the toilets myself to show him where they were and we worked out little routes (this was the teacher's idea) for him to remember (he thought he could only use the urinals and that the actual toilets were only for the girls so used to spend most of the afternoon uncomfortable and then had to run home after school to have a poo

The party invite thing must be very hard for your dd to deal with and I'm not sure what to suggest re dealing with that but I'm sure someone else will post with ideas for you.

[WideWebWitch]

I really think the party thing will blow over and you've got to help her get over it just because it will happen lots and poor love it just happened to be when she was fragile and new. Distraction might well work of the 'why don't you invite x (another girl) for a dolly tea party?' or something.

[mckenzie]

crossed posts with www. didn't mean to repeat

[WideWebWitch]

There you go, we both think so Boco!

[DrMarthaMcMoo]

Oh bless her, I'm feeling fragile today anyway and that's brought tears to my eyes. The bad news is - as you've found - that some children do find it harder, particularly if they are shy. My ds1 was desperately shy and found school something of an ordeal at first - he couldn't seem to 'slot in' and spent a lot of time wandering on the periphery in the playground (and he wet his pants a couple of times because he was too intimidated to ask to go to the toilet). He really struggled at first.

And now the good news...it gets better. They find their little slot, make some friends, learn the ropes - and it begins to get easier. It's still very early days yet and she's only 4 (personally I think they start school too young in the UK, but that's a whole 'nother thread ). Ds1 was so shy - and still isn't the most confident of children - but he's a big gangly 10 year old now in Year 5 and has his little bunch of friends and seems to be accepted by most kids as a little odd, and a little shy...but just him.

I would talk to the teacher again about the buddy thing, because I'm sure that would help if she felt she had a friend to be brave with. The not being invited to the party thing is hard - you just have to stress that not everyone gets invited to every party, and her turn will come. Try and get some playdates sorted - invite one of her friends for tea or arrange a meet-up at the park/soft play.

Oh, I know exactly how you feel - I promise you it gets better.

[DrMarthaMcMoo]

Btw, I'm not saying your dd is a bit odd for being shy - my ds1's odd though (in the nicest possible way )

[Boco]

Thank you both. I'll go back in next week if she's still feeling like this - it's just hard to know what to say, not sure i know how they could make it better, just want them to look after her and be nice to her - but am I a great wet wuss of a mother? Will the teacher thing i'm being drippy and overprotective?

The party thing is just really unfortunate timing - if she had been invited it would have made so much difference to how she's feeling, - as we were walking out of school the party girl and her sister were there, and invited cousin - and i could see the look of desperation on dds face, trying to walk with them and join in - its horrible - i know girls are like this - just didnt' think it'd happen so soon!

[WideWebWitch]

Well if you're drippy and over protective then so was I, twice I've asked please can I stay for half an hour and lovely twinkly teachers have let me. Explain about the party thing to the teacher too.

[Boco]

Oh thank you DrM, i'm glad your ds found his feet and that it all got better for him. Dd is odd too, in a totally gorgeous way

[Boco]

WWW you're right. And the feeling drippy is just not knowing if any other mothers are feeling the same and worrying that my worry is making dd feel worse - definitely trying to put a happy and positive face on for her though.