Another thread about dd sitting next to someone she doesn't like - I'd be interested in your views on what to do

[Miaou]

Bit of background info first.

Dd2(8) went on a course during the summer which involved wearing costumes and taking part in a performance. On dress rehearsal day, she got changed in the disabled loos and left her clothes in there and her performance mask(forgot to take them out). To cut a long story short, another boy went into the loos and urinated all over her clothes and her mask. He was discovered and sent home. Dd2 was, as you can imagine, very upset about it but it was dealt with very well by the play leaders. This boy was from another school and tbh we thought no more about it.

Fast forward to now - we have moved house. Not only is this boy in her school, he is in her class and she has been sat next to him. He is noisy and disruptive and getting dd2 into trouble (I've heard this from other people, not dd2). She is easily distracted and no angel but being sat next to this boy is not helping her (but I appreciate that no-one wants to sit next to him and he has to sit somewhere!)

Dd2 said to me this weekend that she just can't face sitting next to him again next week. I think it's mostly because she is fed up of getting into trouble. That bit I don't have much sympathy for - it takes two to talk/argue/etc and she admits she is not perfect. But I do wonder if the urinating episode in the summer has something to do with her discomfort - but don't really want to bring it up with her because otherwise it will "become" a reason.

I'm wondering whether or not to have a word with the teacher. What I'm really worried about is that she will blurt out "I hate sitting next to X because of what he did at playscheme" in the middle of the class - it's not something that I would want to be common knowledge really. But would it be wrong of me to mention it to the teacher in confidence? Or relevant? Or should I just leave it?

Off to bath ds so I won't be back for a while.

[hannahsaunt]

If it's affecting her wanting to go to school I think it's perfectly reasonable (and probably desirable) to have a word with her teacher and for there to be a general shift around so there is no particular on emphasis on who is being moved and why. If I were her, I wouldn't be happy sitting next to him - seems like a bit of a recipe for trouble. But she doesn't need to know that you've spoken to the teacher...

[nutcracker]

I would definatly speak to the teacher and I would explain the incident in the summer too.

If it is effecting Dd wanting to go to school then IMO they should take it seriously and move one of them. It's not like she is just saying she doesn't like him, she has good reason as far as I am concerned.

[fizzybubbles]

With all the will in the world, teachers don't always know what is going on with individual children, simply because there are so many children, and so many things going on at any one time. I wouldn't be surprised if the teacher had chosen this lad to sit by your dd so that he would misbehave less, as it sounds like he has many issues. Don't worry about asking the teacher to move her. Most teachers are happy enough to do this if you explain the background. What bad luck to have him in the same school, and same class!

[Blossomhill]

I would be in first thing to explain to the teacher and insist that dd gets moved.

I have one child in ds's class that causes him merry hell and have told the teacher to keep him as far away from ds as he can and he has done.

[Blandmum]

The staff will not know if the incident happened outside of school. Contact them and let them know. It is very common for staff to be told of 'previous' when it comes to realationships between children. We get similar requests all the time.

The staff would rather know, in my experience, so that they can defuse situations etc

[Miaou]

Thanks all. I can't deny I'm surprised that everyone (so far ) thinks I should have a word! It's a very small school in a very small community and tbh I'm worried about it being spread around (not that I have any worries about the teacher's integrity, he's very nice). But it's the old "should I wade and and demand he does not sit next to my daughter" thing again - it's got to be up to him how he runs his class. I get the impression though that it was not an event out of character for this boy - I was told by the playscheme leader at the time that his mum was not entirely surprised that he didn't last the week without being chucked out

[Miaou]

Oh, thanks mb, nice to get a teacher perspective

[frogs]

Hi Miaou

I would say something too -- I think the urinating incident is so extreme that I think the teacher should definitely know about it as 'background' regardless of the arrangements for seating.

FWIW every year I've ended up having to have a word with ds's teacher about him sitting next to a boy with whom he has a strong personality clash -- said boy is actually perfectly pleasant but old for the year, smart, good-looking, streetwise and clever, and not averse to bigging up his alpha-maleness in front of my summer-born ds in a way that invariably brings out the worst in ds. I've never specifically asked for them not to sit together, but I do mention that there are issues between them and that ds finds it hard to behave well when he is sitting near this boy. It's hard for the teachers to separate them completely as they're working at very similar levels, but AFAIK they have always tried to take the issues into account, and I don't hear too much about it from ds which is always a good sign.

I think your dd's encounter with this boy is a much bigger issue, so I'm sure most teachers would want to know about incidents like that, whether they happened inside or outside school

PS I've had the school trousers I promised you for dd1 sitting here for ages can you email me your new address?

[AitchTwoOh]

are you kidding? he pissed on her clothes! yeuch. i'd definitely tell the teacher.

[Miaou]

Hiya frogs, will email you, thank you

And thanks for your perspective too.

Aitch, it happened in the summer, not at school, and was dealt with appropriately at the time, Hence why I am hesitant to bring it up with people who are not involved directly.

Dd2 suffered quite a bit at her first school with getting a reputation as a "naughty child", and it became a bit of a give a dog a bad name situation. She suffered from that for quite a while and I wouldn't like to do the same to someone else - as you say, it's a big incident and could have repurcussions for the boy in question.

[AitchTwoOh]

i can understand that, but if i think about it from your daughter's perspective that's a very odd dynamic to have in a 'friendship'. (i know they are only sitting together but if he's encouraging that naughty side to come out...)
imagine if he wants her to do something she is disinclined to do..? how can she refuse to go along with him if he's already pissed on her clothes? i hope you understand what i mean there, i just mean that he's completely broached a boundary there, so she's already the pissed-on rahter than the pisser.

[Miaou]

Sorry it's not funny, but I had to smile at "pissed on rather than the pisser!" Yes I do wonder how uncomfortable it is making her really. I can't bring it up unless she does though, as she is so suggestable (sp?). When she started at the school (six weeks ago) she did refer to him to start with as "that boy who weed on my clothes" . Argh, will chat to dh and maybe talk to her teacher next week.

[fizzybubbles]

Without knowing which yr gp your dd is in, I would like to add that it's still early enough in the year ( as still term 1), to not have her attention lapse, and her fall behind with her own learning for the rest of the yr.
I think you need to bite the bullet, let the teacher know; you don't have to make it a kind of dictat, but I'm sure any teacher in their right mind would keep them as apart as possible once knowing the history, whether you asked specifically or not. Good luck!

[AitchTwoOh]

i can't imagine any teacher having difficulty seeing why it might put a child on the back foot to be sitting beside someone who wee-ed on her clothes... it'll be fine.

[Peridot30]

I would definately speak to teacher. \you dont want her getting to the point where she refuses to go to school. Would explain what you have explained to us.

[danceswithmonkeys]

I'm a teacher. Tell the teacher! I wouldn't go in 'insisting' that they move though. If you explain the situation and your concerns reasonably (as you have done here) any sane teacher would be happy to move your DD. Let us know how it goes!

[Miaou]

will do!

[danceswithmonkeys]

bumpety bump. How did it go Miaou?

[hulababy]

In this situation that I would definitely agee that you should go and speak with her teacher. Explain the incidient from outside of school, and also that you feel that this partnership is affecting DD's behaviour and, more importantly, her desire to go to school/. I am sure the teacher would want to know.

[Bozza]

I think you should go into school and make the teacher aware of the issues, that DD2 is unhappy about the situation and although she and you have not referred back to the summer incident you wonder if it has some bearing. Then leave the teacher to deal with and she feels fit.