I am stupid, mummy - the self perception of a child

[twirlingaroundthechristmastree]

My daughter, age 6, is convinced that she is stupid.

The reality is that she is in the middle of the class on reading, writing & maths.
How do I help her get rid of this potentially crippling self-perception?

Another girl has been teasing her for being stupid, and this girl is definitely better at reading and writing than dd. My dd is now ultra self-concious of any mistakes she makes in class, seeing them as confirmation of her stupidity, and thinking the rest of the class is mocking her when she makes a mistake.

Her father and I tell her that she is a clever girl and that one day she will read and write just as well as the kids who read better right now - but to not much effect. Can anyone help me?

[chipmonksRoastingOnAnOpenFire]

Poor little love! We had this with ds2 who told us last year that another boy in his class was a "genius" while his(ds2's) brain was "made of goo"! Tbh we just kept telling him that he was smart and that there were different kinds of smartness, i.e the kind of smartness where you know not to call someone else "stupid" for example. Can you have a word with the teacher or the other girl's mum? It's bullying and shouldn't be tolerated.

[twirlingaroundthechristmastree]

thanks for the reply chipmonk - I will follow up with the teacher and see if she can suggest something. DD does tell me she is being bullied so it obviously feels that way to her. The thing is that kids do call each other stupid all the time as a playground insult - from my memory of school?

it's just so hard to get the idea out of their heads once it's in there, and I think it is realy bad new to feel this way about yourself

[polly28]

poor thing!

I think the teacher needs to have a word in the class about,name calling etc.

Do you know the other mum?

[WigWamBam]

I think all you can do is accentuate the positive - really play up all the good things about her, and all of the things that she can do that maybe the other girl can't (including the fact that she is clever enough to know that it's mean to call someone else stupid).

I do think that it might be worth having a quiet word with the teacher; I agree that the teacher should maybe have a word with everyone about bullying, name calling and how everyone is different and has different skills.

[LIZS]

ds has had this intermittently since he started a new school in September, joining an established group of year 3's. He intially described himself as "useless" as academically he wasn't fully up to speed with the majority of the class. Fortunately among those who have moved up through the school are children of a similar standard and they are streamed for spelling and maths once a week so he hasn't been teased, it is just a personal feeling he articulates from time to time. He did get teased about his soccer skills , or lack of, as he is not a sporty child, but this seems to have been a one off.

We try to accentuate the positive things he can do well, of which reading fortunately is one. Perhaps your dd has an out of school interest, music or sport she enjoys and can be "better" than some at. Also praise her effort as much as her achievements. Might be worth a word with the teacher so she can nip it in the bud where possible.

[Tortington]

my son thought this - you must speak to teacher to help you out by singling her out for good stuff she has done

is she particularyl gifted in a certain area>? art for example? draw or make stuff hang it up all around the house and point it out to who ever comes in saying " have you seen my dd's fantastic picture - shes so brilliant"

" yes yes its wonderful"
they will all reply

[tamum]

Everyone has said it all really. I would certainly tell the teacher; she should make sure to praise your dd about something in front of the class, ideally, as that will make an impression on your dd. I also agree with WWB that you could point out that this girl is smug and unkind and doesn't understand about feelings.

[LIZS]

Oh and ds' school is very good at rewarding personal achievement, so this week ds has had the class cup for good work and is having a piece of work going to the head for a special sticker as he had tried hard to lay it out neatly and get it right by his standards. Does your dd's class ahve any sort of reward scheme ?

[twirlingaroundthechristmastree]

Thanks for all you lovely replies.
DD's teacher phoned last night & says they are going to talk about name calling/bullying etc in class early next term, and that she will try to comment on any good work or contributions which dd maight offer in class. If it all happens then I don't think the school can do much more, and hopefully we can get through this bit of worrying about and being upset by school
Poor dd didn't want to go today even though it's her class trip to the panto

[SnowmAngeliz]

Teachers comments sound positive, hope your dd feels more confident soon+

A little girl in dd's class told her she had 'fat blood' and now dd keeps asking me ,'am i fat?', she's 4 FFS!!!

[twirlingaroundthechristmastree]

It's funny isn't it, how insults slide off some kids like water off a duck's back, and other soak them up like a sponge

[sunchowder]

Just saw this twirling...yes it is amazing how children and both adults absorb insults. Everyone has given you such great advice here. Maybe you can do something special on the the holiday break with her. She might be really good at arts or math or dance, she needs to shine at something and be acknowledged for it to build her back up again. I am sure you will find just the right thing for her to be involved in. At the end of the day, when she gets through this, she will be more sensitive and empathetic towards other children and will have an easier time establishing good friendships.

[figleaf]

How are things this term Twirling?

[Shimmers]

Why not make a special scrapbook at home with your dd called I am special because/ You are special because. It would be fun to make, a great keepsake and hopefully make her feel very special and not 'stupid'.

It's good that the teacher is planning to tackle this, but why next term? Isn't it a new term now? Circle time provides a great avenue for discussions about kindness, how mean words hurt and how we all have special talents.

One of the teachers at our school has a student of the week. Each child has a turn and their picture is posted on a bulletin with mesages/ drawn pictures of classmates saying, x is special because........ it seems like a great moral booster and each child has a chance to bring in things from home to share with their classmates on their special week.

[whitecloud]

If it's any comfort, my dd was sure she was stupid at the beginning of junior school. She is now in Year 6 and has developed so much more confidence. Is there anything outside that she is good at you could encourage her with ? My dd is very good at gymnastics and has joined a club. It has helped her self-esteem no end. I also think children develop more confidence with age. There is far too much obsession with academic performance. It improves gradually and there are other things in life. Some parents are always pushing their children and I think it can affect the children's attitude to others. Don't despair - I remember feeling v worried too but we did come through it. Hope this helps.