Anorexia recovery - 4.5 stone weight gain

[pippinthepost]

Hey!

I’m posting her just for some advice/empathy I guess.

I’m 23 and have suffered with anorexia since the age of 13 (or at least, this was when it was diagnosed).
I’ve hit some pretty low weights during relapses, but last year during my 3rd year of uni involved a pretty bad relapse where I’d lost over 4 stone and required inpatient treatment.
I’ve been in recovery since then and have gained back up to about middle of the range healthy weight (9.5 stone at 5ft 6).
I’m feeling so much happier in myself recently and feel as though I’ve come to accept, and even feel proud of my ‘natural’ shape.
However, I have graduation in 2 weeks where i’ll be meeting with all my old cohort and lecturers. They last saw me when I was at my lowest, and for whatever reason, this has massively triggered aaaalll the thoughts and aallll the insecurities and i’m seriously starting to freak out at the thought of them seeing me as just massively fat. I’m worried they won’t even recognise me, I’ve gained that much weight - I’m terrified of their shocked faces when they realise it’s me.

I feel totally disgusted with myself for losing the control, and just massively triggered. I don’t want to spend, what should be a day of celebration, feeling insecure and gross and fat and embarrassed. :-( any words of reassurance or solidarity would be so appreciated. Lots of love to anyone else’s struggling too xx

[Glittergirl30]

Well done for coming so far! I 100% know how you feel but those thoughts are anorexia’s way of trying to take over you- do not let it win. What all those people will actually think is ‘wow, what a strong and brave person you are’
It’s scary when these thoughts do come back but you need to use any coping skills you have and fight them off, remember how awful this illness is when you are in the middle of it, think of all the things you lose and how poorly you feel. Keep going with your recovery, and try and think about what you would think of you if you were on the other side- you would have pure admiration for someone over coming such a powerful illness. Stay strong!!!!

[Redteapot67]

Well done!

How big are the lecturers? I very much doubt they will see you as ‘massively fat’ when you are likely to still be much much smaller than them.

It’s good you can identify your triggers. It’s about learning how you handle your response now. Keep recovering!

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

When they last saw you they will have seen that you were very unwell and their likely reaction is that you look much healthier now.

I didn't really socialise with the lecturers or the students at my graduation. You sit alphabetically so probably not with friends alecturers are far away. Everyone then goes off with family for a meal. One degree we had arranged an evening meal with friends later but that was planned in advance. Unless you have specifically arranged a reunion you are unlikely to spend much time with them.

[WooYa]

Well done! You've done amazing
They will see you happier and healthier now than you were before. If they remember you (as PP said, lectures/unis are huge) then they will be happy for you for getting yourself in such a good place.
It's great you've found a trigger and you can talk about it instead of burying it. x

[Slippery]

I'm sure they'll be delighted to see you looking well, not ill. I'm also 5 foot 6 and would love to be your weight, as 9.5 was always my ideal weight. For your height I'd say you were perfect. Absolutely perfect.

Have a great graduation and feel proud of yourself for dealing so well with your illness and getting a degree at the same time.

Many congratulations

[SoyDora]

I think they’ll be happy and relieved to see you looking healthy and well.

[pombal]

Everyone will see a young woman who has recovered from an ED and is graduating.

They will be massively happy for you.

[lillylollylandy]

9.5 stone at 5 foot 6 is not fat, please believe me. You've done brilliantly well and your friends will be so happy to see you looking healthy. Have a wonderful day at your graduation.

[Abitlost2015]

PP above have already reassured you your weight is fine.
I’d add when we see someone we see more than their body. They will look you in the eyes and see you attitude, they will see your smile and facial expression. How we feel inside also shows.
Think about that and if you are feeling stress work on some mindfulness exercises to let go of the obsessssvive thoughts and concentrate on the moment. Enjoy your day, we’ll done for your hard work.

[OuchLegoHurts]

That's your old demons talking... Not you. 9.5 Stone is a beautiful weight... The reality be is that they'll marvel at how pretty and attractive you look now, instead of gaunt and skeletal, which nobody finds anything but disturbing.
You'll have to accept that your illness warped the way you thought others saw you, and make a choice - are you going to go back to that ill way of thinking? Or are you going to accept the reality, that you now look a million times more beautiful at a normally slim weight?

[LapinR0se]

Congratulations on your recovery.
They will think you look well & healthy and then they will stop thinking about you all together. People are much more interested in and concerned about themselves than each other.

[lljkk]

Fat people are not gross or disgusting.

[user1494670108]

Well done!
I recently saw someone in your position that I'd not seen since she was unwell and she looked so well. I didn't actually put my finger on what it was as she's still slim, it was she herself that said but her whole face, hair, her whole being if that makes any sense looked so much better that I did comment (v unlike me and I certainly never commented when she was underweight).
You may be surprised- those people may be surprised but in a good way not bad

[HanarCantWearSweaters]

Keep reminding yourself that the critical voice is the ED talking, it’s separate from you, it’s not you, and the rational you knows you’re healthy and at the size you should be and that all the lecturers will be thinking ‘gosh, she looks so much better now’. Because they will see you are glowing/have healthier hair/colour in your cheeks/all those things that the ED strips away.
And remember it’s not going to be as bad as you’re imagining right now. After it’s all over, i think you’ll be very proud of yourself.

I know it’s hard. The voice seems to win most days for me.

[pippinthepost]

Thank you so much to everyone for your replies, they’ve really reassured me. I was having a particularly bad day of it when I posted this, but having read these replies I feel more confident about it. You’re all so kind❤️

@lljkk those things I wrote describing myself are purely feelings I have for myself. I wouldn’t ever describe somebody else’s size as being disgusting. The fear of being ‘fat’ for me was driven by much deeper factors and childhood experience associated with it, as opposed the actual ‘image’. I really hope you can understand that now and it didn’t upset you, but I’ll be more careful about explaining that next time. X