Post-baby and slipping back into old ways please help (triggering content)

[slippingback]

Hi all, (name change)

My DS (first child) is nearly 3 months old and I'm worried I may be slipping into my ED mindset.

Bit of background: I first started suffering with bulimia at 13 due to a childhood of abuse, coupled with bullying (about my looks) and worry over my abusive father finding me and my mother after we managed to leave. I slowly got better after a couple of years.

Then I went to university in 2014 and struggled with living with vile housemates and the onset of bipolar. I slipped back into my bulimia and then into a sort of binge/purge anorexia where I would restrict as much as possible. Living on 3 got chocolates, a couple of cups of green tea and one bowl of soup as my meal at night so under 300 calories but would generally purge this back up nightly.

Again I recovered after recognising the signs and being brave enough to ask for help before the ED got its horrible grip around me. Since late 2015, I have been doing really well to the point that calories haven't mattered to me at all.

When I was pregnant I actually adored my pregnant body and straight after birth my bump literally disappeared! I had the typical flabby untaught stomach but was, for the most part, slimmer than before I was pregnant and so was relatively comfortable. However, I'm very aware that I have put on weight since having DS and am increasingly feeling a slip back into my ED mindset.

I planned to lose weight as healthily as possible with an exercise DVD and not restricting at all at first just smaller portions of what I like to eat, for the exact reason that I didn't want to trigger myself back into an ED mindset! However, over the last few days I have been consciously eating less and forcing myself to go longer without eating each day. The ED is beginning to fill my mind again, I can feel it and, as sick as it is (wonderful diseases aren't they?!) part of me wants it to take over so that I can finally exude some self control and stop stuffing my face and actually be a nice weight and not chubby like I am now!

I recognise that I really need help in these early stages before it progresses but don't want to confide in DP because he was so hurt the last time I suffered to the point he threatened to make himself sick every time he found out I had (I was never good at hiding it). What can I do? Has anyone else felt this way and overcome it? Please help

[Cwtchythings]

Congrats on your baby 😊 I've had bulimia in the past. I think the fact you have recognised the disordered thought creeping back in is a good thing. Do you think it's worth getting some counselling at this point before the thoughts become more intrusive? There's also a few really good workbooks online that could help keep you on the right track. I know you might feel you have to hide it from your DP, but maybe he'd be very supportive of you getting it all out in the open before it becomes a big problem; disordered thinking loves secrecy!

All the more important now you have a child that you don't slip back into bad habits and let them take away your precious time and energy from him.

[slippingback]

You're completely right, DS is exactly why this can't take hold again! And the disordered thoughts of course are the only obstacle keeping me from confiding in DP, as you know they're horribly powerful and I just need to work up to strength to overcome them!

The only reason I'm reluctant to go the medical route so early is because I've had a bad experience in the past where they didn't take my ED seriously at all basically because I wasn't ill enough. It was just glazed over. I find that for whatever reason (maybe NHS budget cuts - wouldn't surprise me!) they don't take notice and offer help until you're really sick! By which time you tend to be completely in the wrong frame of mind to be helped because you're so in the grip of a nasty disease! Maybe it might be worth trying again and seeing if I get taken more seriously but it gave me such a knock down last time!

Hoping you're in recovery and doing well