To tell friends you are using donor sperm or not?

(24 Posts)
mabel92 Mon 27-Apr-20 12:06:33

My husband and I were about to have our first iui with donor sperm before lockdown - in a way we are thankful we have had more time to think and discuss, but we are still so torn on what to tell people.
We are planning on telling my Mum and Dad and my husbands Mum (they know nothing, not even that we have struggled with Male infertility) but we are struggling on whether to tell friends. We live in a very very small social community where we know everyone (which comes with its ups and downs), where even if we only told close friends it would spread around like wild fire! Our biggest fears is that we would be treated differently (even if they didn’t mean too) and we would face judgment/gossip. Has anyone got experience of this or advice? Hope you are all doing well.

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maddy68 Mon 27-Apr-20 12:08:34

I wouldn't tell them. Why would they need to know ?

mabel92 Mon 27-Apr-20 12:15:19

I guess because we are planning on telling our child from a young age so it would eventually come out somehow? Unless we leave telling friends until the child is old enough to understand and start talking about it to others i.e school.

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BunnytheHoneyBee Mon 27-Apr-20 12:17:29

If you are telling the child then it’s not a secret but you are not obligated to tell anyone and maybe later if it just sort of trickles out later rather than making it seem like a big deal now IYSWIM

Also maybe saying later will avoid judgments about any little thing when child is born like “oh I wonder if that’s because he or she is from a sperm donor”

mabel92 Mon 27-Apr-20 12:26:56

Yeah, I’m understand your point and I’m leaning towards not making it a big deal now and letting it come out in a few years time. As long as the people who need to know know. I guess the only thing we would have to accept is the whole does the child look like’ comments, but we’ll deal like that when/if the time comes. Thanks for your input.

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NoMorePoliticsPlease Mon 27-Apr-20 12:29:49

None of any one elses business

drspouse Mon 27-Apr-20 12:38:54

Adoptive parent here - the idea is that your child shouldn't remember being told about their biological origins - some families have no choice (two mums, transracial adoption) but others need to think about this (donor conception, same race adoption).
Obviously if you adopt everyone knows from the start but after your immediate family/neighbours know, you meet a whole tranche of people who have no idea that your child isn't biologically related to you, and at that point it becomes your child's story to tell.
My DCs don't tell people that often and occasionally I am asked with them present and I say "X do you want to tell this lady where you came from? no? OK then sorry, no, he doesn't want to" though we do occasionally share my DD' ethnicity when it's relevant (e.g. when that country comes up in a school celebration) or their birthplace ditto.

Mrswalliams1 Mon 27-Apr-20 12:42:08

No one else's business. I've done egg children. No one knows. I'm not embarrassed or awkward about it but I just feel it's no one's business. I'll tell the girls when the time is right. People like to gossip and I don't want my children labelled or treated differently. Good luck

lyingwanker Mon 27-Apr-20 13:25:06

I'm not even sure i would tell my parents, you obviously don't have the type if relationship where they know every detail of your lives already so do they really need to know? Your parents will obviously have the same biological link to the child but your in laws won't, will that affect how they see the child do you think? I'm not close to my parents and I think I'd just say we needed IVF and leave it at that.

PuppyMonkey Mon 27-Apr-20 13:29:00

Even if you do tell your child, I’m sure they won’t go around saying: “Hi my name is Brian and I was born as a result of sperm donation. Do you want to play tig?.”grin

mabel92 Mon 27-Apr-20 15:55:47

Hi @lyingwanker I’ll definitely tell my parents, we’re very close to them but I’m also quite independent (moved out when I was 16/17) and haven’t felt the need to discuss it yet, I’m also 27 so haven’t had the ‘I want grandkids’ just yet. My husband only has his Mum, he has no other family, so that may be quite hard for her but I also think she will be very accepting and a great granny.

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mabel92 Mon 27-Apr-20 15:56:16

Very good point @PuppyMonkey 🤣

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Cuddling57 Mon 27-Apr-20 16:31:16

No, absolutely not. It's no one else's business.
You will be the mother, your DH the father.
Some people are full of hypocrisy, judgement and negativity (maybe a minority but some people are).
All you want to be enjoying is 'look - there's a gorgeous baby!'. Not dealing with whispers behind your back. It's hard enough having a new born!
This is obviously such a big deal for you at the moment but it's yours to deal with. Don't let it be other people's to deal with too!
How exiting for you, good luck smile.

drspouse Mon 27-Apr-20 16:35:06

Yes, that's exactly what we find with our DCs. It's boring to them that they are adopted, at least at primary age; it's like telling them they were in the SCBU, they are more interested in what's for tea or whether they can have another episode of Octonauts, and wouldn't bring it up with their friends.

Mischance Mon 27-Apr-20 16:35:50

I do think that the child needs to know as there may be medical reasons later on where genes might be important. I would tell the child when appropriate age to know what sperm is, and leave it at that. If he/she chats about it to someone else, it will be their decision, which is exactly as it should be.

RubyViolet Mon 27-Apr-20 16:37:58

Agree with DrSpouse that it should become your child’s story to tell in an ideal world.
But you have to be comfortable with this too.

mabel92 Mon 27-Apr-20 21:47:51

Thank you everyone!

@RubyViolet as in we shouldn’t feel pressure to tell friends or we should? It should be our story to tell?

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drspouse Mon 27-Apr-20 22:04:32

Not your story - your child's story.
Before the DCs could answer questions, we kept things on a need to know basis.
Now if people ask it's up to them to decide what to answer.

RubyViolet Mon 27-Apr-20 23:14:30

Mabel, it should be your child’s story.
Unless it is impossible to not tell immediate family. For instance if your husband’s condition was common knowledge with his parents for some reason. If he had been ill.
Even so, it’s really nobody’s business.

MrsP2015 Mon 27-Apr-20 23:28:48

I wouldn't tell anyone... but then you need to be ready for 'doesn't look like you' comments.

I'd go online and find a support group online who don't know you / don't care about knowing 'you' but you can share stories and support each other.

I met some very good friends online, we're very close although never met up.

Thisismytimetoshine Mon 27-Apr-20 23:30:47

God almighty, people share bloody everything these days confused
Why would you feel the need?!

mabel92 Tue 28-Apr-20 08:57:56

@Cuddling57 thank you! That helped me a lot.

@drspouse Sorry, I meant our child’s story. Yeah I think that’s what we’ll do, a need to know basis.

Thank you for all your comments, they have massively helped me and my guilt (which is ridiculous) for not wanting to tell anyone.

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Mischance Tue 28-Apr-20 09:35:33

Ditch the guilt!!!! Just enjoy your little one! smile

starpatch Sat 09-May-20 07:28:21

Agree its the child's story. I am a single mum by donor conception and my son is 7 now. I told him from a young age as donor conception network advise. He hasn't shared the information though, he tells other children that he has a father living in a distance town if they ask. He seems aware that they might tease him for not having a dad.

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