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Do I tell the whole sperm donor story to relatives?

(19 Posts)
niclw Sat 10-Mar-18 21:41:27

Hi. I'm pregnant from doing iui with donor sperm so will be a single mum. My parents initially took the news badly but are now coming around. My mum came to my scan with me yesterday, however my mum wants to tell my relatives and her friends that I got pregnant after meeting a bloke and he is no longer involved. I'm not bothered what she tells her friends but am a bit confused about my relatives. I know the advice is to be honest with the child from an early age and so to tell everyone close to you the truth which I'm doing. However I hardly ever see my relatives and the older ones in particular are likely to react badly like my parents. Has anyone got any advice? Do I tell my relatives that it's a sperm donor baby or just let my mum say I'm pregnant by a bloke and doing it alone?

ScattyCharly Sat 10-Mar-18 21:44:04

Wtf? Truth all round. Why would you mum prefer your child to think the man didn’t want them as opposed to thinking a kind man helped in their birth. confused

MaisyPops Sat 10-Mar-18 21:46:35

Why would you mum prefer your child to think the man didn’t want them as opposed to thinking a kind man helped in their birth.

I agree. Much better to say 'you were a much longed for child' than 'you were a mistake and your dad fucked off'.

niclw Sat 10-Mar-18 21:46:37

@ScattyCharly You misunderstand. She doesn't want me to tell the child that they were wanted she just wants me to tell that to the relatives that I see approx once every 3 or 4 years.

niclw Sat 10-Mar-18 21:47:22

Sorry meant weren't wanted

Dolphincrossing Sat 10-Mar-18 21:48:41

I can understand this. People can be twats, to be quite blunt about it. I’d probably fudge the issue by saying ‘dad is not involved at all and Nic made the decision to have the baby based on this.’

Sarahjconnor Sat 10-Mar-18 21:48:56

I would tell the truth. Congratulations on your pregnancy smile

Butterymuffin Sat 10-Mar-18 21:48:57

I'd tell her she can say what she likes, but if it ever comes up in front of you you'll be telling the truth as you have nothing to am ashamed of. So she can decide whether telling that story is worth the risk of being exposed as a liar later.

Ivebeenaroundtheblock Sat 10-Mar-18 21:49:14

truth
i don't think anyone bats an eye over IUI conceived children.

alltheworld Sat 10-Mar-18 21:52:04

While you should be truthful in an age appropriate way with your child at the same time you need to realise that whatever you tell others will be spread around and can get distorted. So for the time being I would just say ‘having a baby on my own”, tell your mum to just say she doesn’t know the details but you are very happy. As you share your child’s story with it, then tell others what you are comfortable with

niclw Sat 10-Mar-18 22:00:15

Thank you for the advice. I don't ever want my baby to feel that they weren't wanted so I will have a think about your suggestions overnight and make a decision. I might go with your advice @alltheworld as this is what I'm saying to people i work with as I never see them outside of school. That way I'm being consistent too. Thanks again everyone x

Mydaddysgirl Sat 10-Mar-18 22:09:13

Big congrats to you, OP.
smile

My child is from donor sperm because DH has azoospermia.

Your Mum is as insensitive as mine. She said she felt uncomfortable at not telling y grandmother we were struggling so it would make HER life easier if I told the entire worl our business angry

The Donor Conception Network can help if you need it.

This is about you & your much-wanted baby.
Not your mother.

Wishing you every happiness with your bundle x

INeedNewShoes Tue 13-Mar-18 12:28:47

It is so important that your child is never made to feel that her conception is a dirty secret. It needs to be normalised for your child's sake. This means that anyone who is going to spend time with your child is comfortable with the situation and isn't going to whisper about donors in hushed tones.

There is a lot of advice and research out there about how to ease the path for donor conceived children. I made a point of reading everything I could lay my hands on and I have had no shame in telling anyone who asks or who might wonder about it - midwives, health visitors, family, friends, neighbours - that my DD is the result of fertility treatment with donor sperm. It is your job to help your child feel that them being donor conceived is no big deal.

TreasureInMyTummy Tue 20-Mar-18 19:29:26

I would go with truth or at least just say doing on own and leave at that.

I told all my family and I was surprised how positive and supportive everyone has been.

My cousin has gone through ivf though and my other cousin is in a gay relationship so should he want children he will also have to go down a slightly different route too.

I was surprised how many people seem to know someone now who also has done this - I think the more it's talked about the more accepted it is becoming .

Good luck

Oh and congratulations!!!! X

Babytales13 Tue 29-May-18 21:55:24

Hi. I just got a negative test result this afternoon so I’m feeling 😩 but I have a similar situation. I’m a single mum and doing IVF using a donor.

I had a huge dilemma on who to tell what to. I have decided to say I did IVF. Used a donor. And that’s all I will say on the topic. The rest of the unwanted questioning will be answered with a smile and something to the effect of “that’s personal but I’m very happy” Relatives and people you don’t want too involved in your business don’t stop get put off easily so keep that in mind. But they can also be 🍆 you wouldn’t like any unfortunate questions asked to your future child - don’t let that situation arise. Keep a rehearsed party line in mind, try it out of a few people, strangers if you must, and then stick to your boundaries. No one needs to be let in more than you want. Good luck and God bless 🙏

Haffdonga Tue 29-May-18 22:16:59

I genuinely don't understand why it would appear preferable for your conservative relatives that you accidentally got pregnant by a random ONS than you chose to conceive by donation. (Better in their world to think of you as a careless slapper than a independent single mother by choice??? confused )

Truth all the way.

zzzzz Tue 29-May-18 22:24:38

People are SO weird about fertility. Different scenario, but I had to have IVF to have my children. I decided to share that with my family, mostly because I thought it probably wouldn’t work and it would be easier if they’d got used to the idea. My Mum took it apron herself to tell my Aunt and much younger female cousin “because they had a right to know” in case yfc had similar problems shock. Totally inappropriate and just bonkers.

I’d tell the truth from the beginning. Let your mum deal with her hang ups now before your dc is here and has to hear any of this nonsense.

Congratulations, how lovely.

mumof1 Wed 06-Jun-18 21:19:17

I have a 16 month old who is donor conceived and have told everyone this as I plan to be honest with him about his conception from the start. I've received nothing but positivity albeit some surprise. I think your mum is being very unfair and she needs to be on side with what you want to tell people as it could affect your baby in the future. Congratulations! X

PaintBySticker Wed 06-Jun-18 21:25:37

I would advise the truth. What’s the point of lying? You may find the Donor Conception Network useful (https://www.dcnetwork.org) - they have all kinds of resources including for single mums and if you join they will try to match you with a ‘welcomer’ with a similar story to you.

We have a child conceived through donor conception. We have told all close family. Luckily we have had positive reactions. We haven’t told people where it’s not relevant. It’s easier for us though I know because we are a couple no one is likely to wonder about parentage whereas for a single person it would be harder as people may make assumptions, which you may or may not feel comfortable with.

I really do recommend the DCN. You could just read some of the advice from their website if you don’t want to join.

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