I miss my old life

[pinyata32]

Hi this is my first time posting and I'll try and keep it brief. Although I think it will be a long post, I just need some advice because I feel so alone in my head I'm starting to have bad thoughts and feel so weak in the mind.
I had a partner, Only man I had been with, since the age of 15, I am now 39! We have 2 children. We had a good and bad relationship. He was quick to get angry, very manipulative during arguments, which would be about the smallest thing. I was scared at times. He cheated twice I knew of, but this man was all I knew and we did have a good life, took the children travelling, festivals, normal family activities. He was such an amazing dad.
I fell out of love but carried on for years
2 years ago, I ended the relationship because he took too many drugs and spent all our money. Would go out and not come home until next day. Anyway I Agreed to go camping 2 days after ending it, with friends to keep it normal for the children which had been planned for some time.
He had a brain hemorrhage while we were camping and then in hospital suffered a stroke. Thankfully he didn't die which was what we were told was going to happen from all the complications he had. He has recovered well but there is a personality change, he is so calm, not argumentative one bit, I love and care for him so much so stayed by his side....then in march 2019 my beautiful nephew took his own life. This broke me and my family. My whole world was crumbling and then in August last year I decided to leave him again, when he needed me the most, the person I had spent my whole life with for another man who I work with. It's been so fast moving. I don't think I know what I'm doing. I feel like I've lost my whole world and I miss everything about my old life. I want more memories with my ex and can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else. In my head I feel like I should try and make it work and to be happy again with the guy I work with but in my heart I don't want to be with him, I am attracted to him, but not so much to my ex. I want my family unit back but feel like it's gone to far. Please help because my brain is struggling to know what is the right thing to do for everyone. I've broke my ex's heart and he wants me back but what if it's just the memories I miss 💔

[Confused866]

It’s a complicated one but if I were you I’d think about ending your current relationship - how involved is it? Do you live together? I think you should be single for a while though, don’t rush into rekindling anything with your ex just because you miss the lifestyle. You could work on being good friends and co-parents and just see how you feel? You say you fell out of love with him - do you think you could fall back in love or is it just affection / feeling fond of him? I would try figure all that out before you make any big decisions! Good luck

[Oldsoul39]

Thank you for your reply. I feel so confused. It will be a year seeing new guy in August, not living together and all still on the quiet because I don't want to hurt my ex. Me and ex get on so well, I see him most days and he has the children half the week. I just see him and think about all the good family things we did together, all my alone time is spent crying and confused but I hold it together so well so new guy doesn't have a clue how I feel. No one does. I can't speak to my ex as I don't want to confuse him or give him false hope. If I end things with current partner it will be so awkward as we work together but we get on so well and i could be risking having another chance of happiness. I just don't know where my mind is at but I feel I need to speak to someone professional when all this lockdown is over. Thanks for listening x

[Confused866]

Definitely get yourself some counselling asap, a lot of counsellors will be doing Skype sessions I imagine so maybe look into starting something asap? Give yourself time, it doesn’t sound like any rash decisions should be made right now. You’ve been through a lot and I’m sure counselling will help you process it all and organise your thoughts

[browzingss]

I decided to leave him again, when he needed me the most, the person I had spent my whole life with

You did absolutely nothing wrong here. Yes, he may be kind after his stroke but that doesn’t change the fact that he cheated on you or made you feel scared at times previously. I’m not sure how you’ve managed to paint yourself as the bad person here. It IS the memories that you miss, you may be look at them through rose tinted glasses even.

I don’t think you should get back with him now, you definitely shouldn’t be swapping the current guy for your ex - be single for a bit instead and don’t rush into things with your ex.

I agree with seeking counselling support

[browzingss]

If I end things with current partner it will be so awkward as we work together but we get on so well and i could be risking having another chance of happiness

Honestly- I think you are! Your thoughts are consumed by your ex, that’s unhealthy imo.

[Hulksmashed]

Don’t make any rash decisions right now, I think it’s really hard at the moment being in lockdown, having much more time to think and dwell on things. I’d take some time to clear your head and reset before making any decisions that might mess with you and possibly the children.

[Oldsoul39]

Thank you all for your replies. I actually feel a bit better for saying on here what is in my head as I can't speak to my family as they have also been through so much and friends have their own things going on so don't want to burden them with my depressing life. In a way I just wish I hadn't made the decision to end my long term relationship but I feel that it was made after my nephew had passed away that life was too short to be unhappy bit here I am, still unhappy. Time will tell hopefully and what will be, will be. Thank you again for listening x

[Techway]

I think you need to give yourself space to process your own feelings. Would your new partner agree to give you space whilst you get counselling? It is common to have a rebound or exit relationship especially after a bad marriage so you should make any quick decisions.

How old are the children? Are they living with you?

[Oldsoul39]

The children are 9 and 14, they have met new guy and get on really well with him, they met him before as they've met lots of people I work with so he wasn't a stranger to them. They really like him. They live with me half the week and dad the other half. Dad has support workers with him 3 times a week just to sit with him and help him out but he does manage on his own. The kids are his world. I'm not sure how to approach the new guy with my words because it will just all come out wrong. Plus I'm scared it will ruin things between us as he's been really patient with me in all of this. I just don't know. They only way I can describe it is I've been so strong for so long that the sellotape that has been holding me together is losing it's sticky. I just wish I hadn't gone into something with someone else so soon. I should have stayed on my own.

[Mindmedley]

It’s easy to get straight into something else quickly as it’s a distraction and if the other person is kind and supportive it’s hard to turn away from that, so don’t blame yourself or beat yourself up. I understand how you feel about holding it all together, and it’s so hard when you are being strong for everyone. Just keep going, one day at a time for now, breathe and see how you feel tomorrow, in a few days or next week. You can still have time to clear your head and decide what you want.

[NeverCastaClout]

Perhaps tell him you plan to take a break just to get your head together OP. Sounds like you need some space to get your head straight. What will be the ongoing situation with your DH? Will his health deteriorate? Being a carer might not be your choice after a difficult marriage. X

[Carla67]

It’s really sad to see ow mug you are hurting. It’s highly likely that your are suffering from some PTSD after all you’ve been through. EMDR is a highly effective therapy for this and it’s works quickly. It’s not a talking therapy, which isn’t the most effective approach for trauma.
I’d say don’t made big decisions before you get some therapy support and please remember PTSD is a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances. It doesn’t mean you are broken, doing something wrong, it’s your minds way of trying to protect you from further hurt and pain. It can be sorted out.
It helped me recover from a traumatic past and I see great results with the clients I work with. There’s an EMDR website too and some practitioners can offer EMDR online.