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Should I just walk away from the money?

(25 Posts)
ChloeR81 Fri 24-Jan-20 21:08:39

Been separated for 2 years now, had the decree nisi through last year but just can’t get there on the financial arrangement.

House has been sold, most things split. The final thing is XH deferred bonus from years we were together (we were together from age 24 to 33, 2 small children). Agreed split is 60:40 but I have a statement saying there is £150k to come and he is insisting it is now £15k. Point blank refuses to give any evidence, says it’s private. Only thing left would be to drag it through the courts. It’s in a work account (he works for a bank) and so I have no visibility or access. He blatantly has a lot of money squirrelled away in there, at least this £150k if not more.

He’s extremely nasty, controlling. So far hasn’t pushed for custody of the kids etc. I can manage without it but money is very tight and he’s unreliable so could stop paying CM at any point and this would provide me a safety net.

Should I just let it go and move on? I’m worried if I don’t let him have the money he’ll come for the children, and I don’t think I can take dragging it through court. We’ve avoided court so far. I’m very scared of him and what he’ll do.

Thanks for any advice or opinions.

OP’s posts: |
Merlinite Fri 24-Jan-20 23:39:59

Yes. Just get the children's custody nailed down and watertight. The kids and your sanity are all that matters. Your comment about being scared he'll come for the kids resonates. This type of narcissistic control freak never gives up IME, they have no interest in anyone else's welfare not even their own children.

june2007 Fri 24-Jan-20 23:55:44

So it,s his work bonus money right? Not sure why then you should be entitled to it. (Except of course for the children. Perhaps he could put the money into accouts for them as an option?) Otherwise I think I would stick with what I have.

Chocmallows Fri 24-Jan-20 23:59:23

Do you have a solicitor to advise you? My gut says go for this now, as in pursue the money, as he's likely to play the game to get you to sign it away and still go for more access later.

MadeForThis Sat 25-Jan-20 00:14:09

Get the money now. He'll find some way to screw your later. You can't trust him to stick to future agreements so get what you can now. . Your dc are entitled to and deserve the money.

youknowitmakessensedunnit Sat 25-Jan-20 00:18:14

If he's on PAYE he cant just stop paying child maintenance as the CMS will take it from his pay at source. If he is as big an idiot as you suggest I would want to agree child arrangements asap and formalise them legally prior to finances.

On taking him to court the problem is that solicitors and legal representation may eat up most of that 150k if he doesn't fold early. So do consider (preferably with some legal advice) if it's worth the aggro

NeverTwerkNaked Sat 25-Jan-20 00:23:23

How old are your children? The older they get the less he can use court to force the custody issue (as their voice is given more weight).... For that reason I might be minded to at least delay pushing for the money for a bit unless they are already teenagers?
Could you ask a solicitor whether you could still succeed in a claim if you delayed for a year or two?

On the other hand having plenty of cash in the bank for lawyers could be handy if he does start pushing for custody? (Do you mean contact? Or for the children to live with him?)

LesLavandes Sat 25-Jan-20 00:28:53

He has to disclose everything in the financial disclosure. Talk with your lawyer.

Chocmallows Sat 25-Jan-20 01:03:23
You should both complete Form E

BringMeAGinandTonic Sat 25-Jan-20 01:31:51

I agree with chocmallows. He can change custody down the road but you can't seek a share of that sum down the road once the consent order is signed, AFAIK. I'd talk to a solicitor.

ChloeR81 Sat 25-Jan-20 08:16:21

Hi everyone, thanks so much for the advise.

I do have a lawyer, and we’ve got this far without having to go to form E etc, I had a good idea of all the other assets and money etc, this is the ‘hidden’ part. He’s so obstructive, refuses to reply, do forms etc. That’s why I’m trying to decide whether to start that process or just let this last part go. It’s been 2 years even getting this far and I’m nearly out of money to use for the solicitor.

It’s so tempting to leave it and walk away but it just feels so unfair. I’m scrimping and saving and he’s living a luxury life. He’s also decided not to work for the last 18 months (I’m sure to punish me) and so although he is paying CM at the moment I know it could stop at any moment and I have no financial buffer left at all.

And june2007, it’s not his bonus money it’s our family bonus money. I took a massive step back at work for years to have and take on the main responsibility for the kids, to support his career progression, which I’m still suffering for career-wise now in a big way. I’m not asking for any spousal maintenance or share of money he’s earned since we split but this was all earned in the 11 years we were together.

OP’s posts: |
OnlyFoolsnMothers Sat 25-Jan-20 08:18:42

Don’t let him wear you down OP, that’s exactly what he wants. Keep listening to your solicitor and fight....

ChloeR81 Sat 25-Jan-20 08:19:10

Merlinite- thank you. It sounds like you understand where I’m coming from on this. If he doesn’t feel like he’s screwed me over he’ll never let it go. Which is also why I’m tempted to let him take the money. The only thing left to destroy me with would be the kids which terrifies me.

OP’s posts: |
Duchessofealing Sat 25-Jan-20 08:26:30

TAKE THE MONEY! Sorry to shout, but if you don’t then you will regret it so much a few years down the line. And if he’s awkward you should say you are going for spousal support (incidentally I hope you have maintenance for the children set up so that if he does try and renegotiate later it automatically flips to spousal support). Fundamentally, at any stage he can take you to court for the children, he’s their dad so a court is unlikely to not give 50/50 if it works for schools etc. What’s to stop him doing this in a year? Or what’s to stop a new girlfriend wanting a ready made family and pushing him to do this later. At least if you get some of the 150 you can fight it.
Oh and bank deferred bonuses were (in my bank anyway) only for the high earners, they would have paid out 15k in one sum at the time. It’s likely to be at least the 150k, if not more. Hopefully you’ve also got some of his share options and pension too.

Chocmallows Sat 25-Jan-20 12:00:30

OP the Form E isn't that onerous, I was glad to do it as it showed that my exH had an income and pension 4x mine and car value 10x mine and I had costs 2x his.

It meant he took some savings, but his equity in house became mine and I signed away my right to claim on his pension (10 yr marriage worth as I worked P/T due to childcare).

I think he is stalling, but if you walk away you will feel impact later.

SoloMummy Sat 25-Jan-20 12:09:22

Realities are regardless of whether you roll over re the bonus or not, he can still pursue you for further child contact.
So I wouldn't not pursue the 150k share.

Keep going as its for yours and the children's futures.

spongedog Sat 25-Jan-20 12:15:06

my advice - get the hard cash as a lump sum. If future maintenance looks flakey you may get none, some, all. Whereas you would not be required to repay assets once all settled.

45andfine Sat 25-Jan-20 12:19:18

Fill out Form E. You don't know what the future holds and you only really get one chance at this before you all move forwards. You need to ensure you have money for a home and sufficient pension for your future.

Oblomov20 Sat 25-Jan-20 12:23:35

Please don't back down. He wants you to. I suspect your'll regret it later, because of the injustice of it.

MissingMySleep Sat 25-Jan-20 12:29:51

Do the form. You could always ask that you share goes in trust for the children. He might be an arse about the DC later when he's sure he's got the money situation sewed up.

BringMeAGinandTonic Sat 25-Jan-20 18:06:46

It’s so tempting to leave it and walk away but it just feels so unfair. I’m scrimping and saving and he’s living a luxury life. He’s also decided not to work for the last 18 months (I’m sure to punish me) and so although he is paying CM at the moment I know it could stop at any moment and I have no financial buffer left at all.

All the more reason to get in and get your share.

...Or what’s to stop a new girlfriend wanting a ready made family and pushing him to do this later. At least if you get some of the 150 you can fight it.

I thought of exactly the same thing.

OP: There is no guarantee whatsoever he will not purse more custody down the road. Someone hellbent on being a dick will be a dick regardless.

Chocmallows Sat 25-Jan-20 22:43:11

Another perspective, if he hasn't chased for lots of access now he isn't likely to as he's used to less contact.

Plus a new GF will more likely want her own DCs not yours.

Finally, courts consider DCs best interests and if you are the main carer consistently this would go in your favour if he tried for higher access. At the same time, if he genuinely wants to see them more in the future you would have to be open to this.

Trustthejourney Tue 28-Jan-20 10:06:05

No, please absolutely do NOT give up, you want as much money as you possibly can so carry on fighting for it. I'm saying this as I'm in the same situation and it felt so foreign to me at first as I'm not a money grabber and value family over it any day. But it was explained to me that you want as much money as possible so that if he takes you to court for the children in the future then you can defend it. The childrens bit can go back to court time and time again whereas the finances are only done once, so you might find that once you've agreed the finances he starts to challenge you for the children, knowing you haven't got the cash spare to defend it.

I was also told that it wouldn't be fair if he could pay for lots, including driving lessons, holidays etc, and I couldn't in the future, which makes sense. I also took a massive backseat with my career to look after our family and support his business. I agreed to do it this way in the end because my solicitor finally got it through to me that it wasn't about the money, it was about allowing me the best I could to defend the children if I needed to, and to spend on the children in the future, which to me is worth fighting for. Your fighting for money to protect them, not to spend on yourself. And if he gets together with someone else and they have kids, your kids inheritance from him will be reduced too so better to get what you can for them now. And if you know about £150k I'm sure he'll have a lot more there that you don't know about.

I'm just in the process of having to take him to court for it. Mine is also very controlling and nasty, don't underestimate them, it'll all be a game to him if he's that sort of personality, and he'll be banking on your nice personality to not fight it. Good luck, its so sad how many people are going through exactly this same thing.

Fourpennies Tue 28-Jan-20 22:16:29

I have no advice for you because I'm in a similar position. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in wanting to run because it's so hard, to wish you luck, strength and to thank you for posting as your thread has helped me (not quite strong enough to start my own yet).

Iambloodystarving Tue 28-Jan-20 22:36:38

He wants to grind you down. He wants you to walk away. He wants you to be poor. Once he wins this battle and illegally hides the family money, he will drive you further into poverty. He will refuse to pay maintenance. Once he has exhausted you with that, he will tie you up in a custody fight. All to keep you in poverty and in his control.
That money is yours, his and the children's. He has to split it. You need to fight for it so that you and the children are not in penury. Read these boards. Life and systems can be extremely unkind to us women.
Grit your teeth. Have a massage, do something small but good for yourself. Then pick yourself up and fight. Seriously OP. You need that money.
This for you is the end of it. For him it is the beginning.
GET THE MONEY. It belongs to you.

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