How much do I put up with following divorce?

[minxthemanx]

Don't flame me, have been in unhappy marriage for many years, he refused to separate. I finally filed for divorce last Jan and am just waiting for the absolute. He has (reluctantly) moved out to small rented house in same small town. We are joint owners of the family home, which he wants me to sell in the summer but I want to wait till DS1 is settled at Uni. DS1 doesn't get on with stbxh and makes v little effort to see him. Ds2 age 13 still adores him and stays there 2x weekly. Stbxh usually comes to collect him. These occasions involvr;

• walking straight into the house without knocking or ringing bell
  
• using toilet (for nice long time)
  
• walking into lounge in trainers fresh from being on mucky astroturf
  
• throwing trainers across floor when I asked him to take them off as I'd spent the morning cleaning. Both DS saw this
  *taking the dog to stay over but forgetting to take his medication
  When DS2 stsys there, if he doesn't like the microwave korma that is for dinner, he gets bread and butter and chopped up apple. This was his meal on NYE.
  And so on.... have told DS2 to suggest easy dinners like egg beans and oven chips which he can do himself, but stbxh 'has no money. '
  Am I within my rights to change the locks once the absolute comes through so he can't just barge in? Or still not as he's joint owner? Seriously, it's doing my head in

[Whynosnowyet]

Have door locked and make him knock. Tell dc you prefer some privacy now ex doesn't live there.

[minxthemanx]

He has keys and just lets himself in.

[PullingMySocksUp]

What if you lock the door and leave the key in it?

[minxthemanx]

Ooh good idea wish I'd thought of that. Can't believe I still have to.put up with him behaving like a twat, slamming doors etc now I've divorced him. Didn't want the boys to see this any more.

[notapizzaeater]

Lock the door so he has to at least ring. If he's in the mortgage then he can just walk in and you can't change the locks unless you have an order stating he can't.

The food thing, whilst annoying they are teenagers so old enough to tell him (and make something themselves)

[minxthemanx]

Yes I thought that was the situation regarding him being able to come in and throw trainers/shout/slam doors, as he's still on the mortgage. Unfortunately I can't afford to buy him out. He's 60 by the way

[oldfatandtired1]

I was in a similar situation a few years ago - I changed the locks. Solicitor said strictly speaking I shouldn’t have done as he was still joint owner etc, but he had moved out and I was entitled to peaceful enjoyment of my home. Ex phoned the police, they weren’t interested, said it was a civil matter.

[minxthemanx]

It's not nice as I dread him coming round to collect DS2, and I divorced him to get away from all that. Only alternative is sell up and buy somewhere else which will cost a fortune; I'm pretty broke from cost of divorce as it is.

[Ss770640]

He is joint owner so has a right to enter. He could if he wanted to stay overnight

[Weenurse]

To get away from him you will need to sell and move.
It sounds as though he will not change his behaviour otherwise.

[Honeyroar]

You need to sell and move on or he’s going to continue to taunt you. A teenager should be able to cope with moving house before uni, heck all these displays of parents rowing/disrespecting will do much more harm anyway..

My friend is just separating/divorcing from her husband and her solicitor has told her she can change the locks for peace of mind (surprised me after what I’d read on Mumsnet!).

[Palaver1]

No she cannot change the locks for peace of mind if the other person stopped paying part of the mortgage for peace of mind them.what.
If the person is physically abusive then thats another story

[ComtesseDeSpair]

You need to sell the house, regardless of whether it’s not convenient for you right now - it’s probably not convenient for him to be paying both rent and mortgage and unable to move on properly with his life as well.

In the meantime, you can change the locks and the police won’t be interested, though he can also arrange to have the locks changed again because it’s a joint property. The best course of action is to have a reasonable conversation and agree the house can be sold as soon as possible and then use your reasonableness there as leverage to ask that he doesn’t come into the house when he collects DS.

The meal issue when he has DS is separate and not a hill worth dying on. At 13, DS will soon be able to vote with his feet and if he doesn’t want to keep visiting his dad because of rubbish food he just won’t.

[Honeyroar]

Palaver that’s what I thought, but it’s her solicitor that said she could..

[Lolalovesmarmite]

Just get a chain or bolt for the door “for security” and have it bolted when he’s due to come around so that he has no option but to knock. Then bring DS to the door complete with clothes for the weekend etc so he doesn’t need to enter.