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I want to split but I’m so scared

(9 Posts)
User1098 Mon 09-Dec-19 22:07:14

I have been married for 10 years and have 2 young children. Been with DH for 15 years.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not happy. I know that I don’t love my husband. I think I must have done at some point but I don’t remember. He cheated on me years ago and I think something stopped that day.

Our sex life is poor. We’re not emotionally close. He dislikes my family. I don’t go out of my way to see his family. He is short tempered and has recently been cruel to the children.

But he’s generally easy going. He doesn’t stop me from doing anything that I want to do. He’s very supportive of my career. He’s not mean financially. He’s very intelligent, which is important to me.

I don’t know what to do for the best. I recently had a crush at work and it awakened all these feelings that I didn’t know I could feel. Lust, tenderness, desire. I never told my crush how I felt but it made me think even harder about my marriage.

My reasons for not breaking up:
1. I don’t want to hurt my children
2. I don’t want to hurt DH
3. I don’t want to lose 50% of my time with the children
4. I would probably need to move areas to afford somewhere which could be difficult with schools and 50/50 access
5. I’m scared that I’m just being ridiculous and having a midlife crisis.
6. Why blow up my decent life for the chance of a more fulfilling relationship that may never happen

Does anyone have any experience of these fears and what did you do?

OP’s posts: |
User1098 Mon 09-Dec-19 22:26:00

I have started feeling jealous of ‘connected’ couples in real life and in TV/film. Maybe I’m expecting too much. Interestingly I chatted to my crush about this a lot. He encouraged me to work at my marriage. He says that it’s supposed to be hard. He says that love doesn’t really exist. He says that most married people settle for their partners. He says it’s bullsh!t that you shouldn’t marry the person you can live with but the one you can’t live without.

OP’s posts: |
User1098 Mon 09-Dec-19 22:26:23

He’s married by the way.

OP’s posts: |
mamamiaow Tue 10-Dec-19 22:51:03

Have you thought about trying counselling? You could try going yourself to talk through your thoughts. And then perhaps couple counselling with your husband.

boringornot Wed 11-Dec-19 12:20:53

Your crush wants to convince you that all marriages are crap, because his probably is. I used to think like him, but I changed my mind and now I'm separating.

PlasticPatty Wed 11-Dec-19 12:27:44

He...has recently been cruel to the children.

What are you waiting for? Get them out of there. Make a solicitor's appointment today and find out where you stand. You need the husband out of the house, or you and the children out.

All the rest is so much bullshit. You will have crushes for the rest of your life, people do. I'm in my sixties and it still happens to me. There's no need to get too worked up about them. The current crush is of no consequence. Your children really are.

They depend on you to love them and protect them. Protect them from a man who is cruel to them, and don't move them in with another man. Give them a safe place to grow, and conduct your romances away from their home.

Allypops80 Fri 20-Dec-19 10:17:07

I have been feeling similar to you for some time. A lot of guilt but nagging feeling of wanting a different life. I got the "balls" to speak to DH and actually transpires he feels the same to a certain degree. We love each other but aren't in love or emotionally connected anymore. We've been married 18 years (DC 11 and 7). Think we're going to try and live together separately as have a couple spare rooms but it's early days. It's all very scary and I am crying a lot. It feels like grief for the end of the marriage. How are things for you now @User1098 ?

WhoAmIToTellYou Thu 26-Dec-19 21:58:11

Same feelings here. If only it was easy. I’m also scared that divorce will fuck up my kids although current situation is toxic as well. We have zero connection, emotional or physical. Nada. I feel i have nothing to look forward to in this relationship other than death. And i’m only 39...

Livandme Thu 26-Dec-19 23:16:30

Get all what you are saying. It's so difficult. Found myself crying in the car the other morning after I dropped off at school as two grandparents were holding hands in the school yard.

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