Counselling

[Celerysam]

My husband and I have been together 12 years, married 4. We have been trying for a baby for 4 years unsuccessfully. We have lost a pregnancy under traunatic circumstances and have had 4 unsuccessful rounds of IVF. It has broken us.

There is nothing in the world I want the way I want a baby and I cry just seeing pregnant women. Over the last 4 year's our relationship has suffered as we have have become bitter at the our loss and lack of success. We argue most days over everything. Nothing significant but things like ive talked over a tv show or because one hadn't helped the other enough, has put something in the wrong place, has said the wrong thing etc. etc. He is really seriously irritable Like ready to snap any moment, every moment. He's lost his bubble and I can't remember the last time we laughed or had fun. every day is arduous. We have a few days of things being nice and I cling to it, then it deteriorates again.

We were due to start another round of IVF in a couple of weeks and had stopped drinking etc. My husband started drinking again 3 days ago saying he didn't care because he wasn't going through with the treatment as our marriage is a mess. He wants a divorce. I absolutely do not. I have suggested counselling which he has begrudgingly agreed to. He continues to state I'm no longer his problem and he will buy me out of our house. I'm breaking as I just want him back.

Is there any chance counselling will work and we can get back on track?

[NeatFreakMama]

He's accepted the counselling so you have a way forward to talk together. I'm sorry it sounds like you've had a really rough time.

[ValleysGirl72]

@Celerysam, so sorry to read that you are going through such a rough time. Continue with the counselling, maybe your husband needs something like this to help him over the loss, as you know men are notorious for not talking about how they feel.

Go through the counselling together and maybe some seperate sessions too, then at the end see how the land lies. Your husband may feel differently afterwards.

Thinking of you and sending you huge hugs xx

[fingernailsbitten]

I am very sorry for your traumatic loss. It must have been awful.

Definitely go for the counselling sessions. They are very helpful. I too went through 5 IVFs. I wish I could say we now have a child but we don't. Our last treatment was in 2016. Long story but the short version is my marriage is over now. H left me in July. I partially blame the infertility. H does not blame it. My view is that our life didn't go in the desired direction. I accepted that but needed him to be present for me and support me more than he had. Sadly he has done the opposite. He's left me for no obvious reason. I hate him for doing that. He is not 1% interested in counselling for our relationship.

Infertility sucks. I went through it, mostly alone, for over 12 years. It is so very very hard. I still cry at films, adverts, posters, preggers women in shops and on the street. I still cry at facebook photos of kids standing in their school uniform. I sometimes cry when a family friend/work colleague becomes a grandmother/grandfather. It is not something I ever wanted to experience but it is what it is. My H leaving me means there is a chance that I could meet a new man, in the far away future and I might end up a step mother. Who knows?

I feel for you OP. I really really do. The fact your husband has agreed to go to counselling is a big positive. It won't be a quick fix but it does work. It sounds like your H and you both need to express your feelings to someone unconnected with the family/friends/work side of your lives. Impartiality really helps. You'll probably have session together as a 3 and some sessions just you and the counsellor, and your H with the counsellor. Let the tears and anger out.

[Celerysam]

Thank you all. He is saying he is only going to counselling to prove he made an effort when we come to apply for divorce.

I just feel like me life caved in. i just wonder how we got here. I so often think about what would have happened if our baby hadn't died. He would be 1 1/2 now & I might have had a complete life if he was.

[fingernailsbitten]

I totally understand your feelings here.
The what ifs are horrendous. Does H still want to be a father? Would counselling and considering adoption be a possibly? Does H say he loves you? You have both gone through so much already. The depths of despair are dark gloomy places. Perhaps your H needs to fully consider whether he needs more help than he thinks he needs.

Hugs for you.

[Celerysam]

Yes he still wants to be father.

He is more open to adoption than i am. I still feel I want an opportunity to be pregnant and have our child. However, I am open to adoption and if forgetting about further IVF saves our marriage I will do it.

He won't let me touch him, he tells me he doesn't love me & I'm not his problem. I suspect he's just hurting so much his answer is to run away and start again. His family background is to run from a relationship & I think this is what he knows.

[Celerysam]

He was totally broken by our loss and subsequent IVF failures & really wants to be a father. He can't cope with my grief though at all and finds it frustrating that I talk about it and I'm a shadow of myself because of it. I just feel so sad that our whole lives have been ruined by it & that it's taken my marriage.

[fingernailsbitten]

Hi!
I truly think you do both need counselling. Talking about it does help. I hope he comes to see that. The irritability you and he are showing is down to the unresolved issues. My H did not want to talk about anything and he still doesn't/can't. I can't help him. My H doesn't want to help himself. He has walked away from the issue. His father did similar when he left my H's mother years ago. they had grown up children and he walked out after many many years of silences/fall outs etc. As the girlfriend, I only came into the mix after My H's father had already left my MIL. Years of her talking ill of him and his abandonment. History sometimes repeats itself.

I've begged my husband to try and give us the chance to fix us but he does not want to. All mine says when he does speak is 'I don't hate you'. I do not know how to interpret that.

Talk to your husband. And talk some more. It is the way forward. I believe this.

[Celerysam]

I wanted to come back to update. We had 6 sessions of counselling, I thought things were improving. We had even started talking about trying again for a baby. He now tells me that he realises he's living a lie and wants to divorce. He has removed his wedding ring and simply states "I am no longer your husband"

There doesn't seem to be any chance of persuading him to change his mind. He's contacted the bank to book an appointment for discussing buying me out of the house. He's being pleasant and amicable and said he will ensure I get everything I'm entitled to. I don't want to hear it. I just want him.

I keep being physically sick and shaking. I can't imagine a life without him in it.

[Ryah76]

I’m so sorry for the pain you’re going through. I can relate, my husband and I had a miscarriage in March following ICSI and last month on our wedding anniversary he ended our marriage. Unlike your husband, mine won’t consider counselling, but has admitted depression following our loss and states that he can’t go through fertility treatment again- with anyone. He’s also begun seeing a woman at work. The rings are off and if it comes to it the house will be sold.The pain is immense but I think I have to allow him go through this. I’ve done the begging, the texts, the memes, I’ve been physically sick and randomly burst into tears etc, but now I’m leaving him alone. I’m hoping we can resolve things, but In the mean time I’m taking care of me. I’m going to join the gym and re connect with friends. I know how devastating this is for you, but my advice to you is to put yourself ahead of his needs, live your life and leave him to go through this alone. Time apart without thinking about IVF and babies etc, might be what he needs to truly miss you and to reconnect with you. I wish you well.

[lonestar1979]

Hey, IVF destroyed my marriage too so you;re not alone. I find it incredible that they don't offer couples counselling as part of the process. I was very much in your shoes (I'm a guy) and it slowly started to unravel me, though my wife was a little more relaxed about it and buried her head in the sand, whilst i spiralled into deep depression - i couldn't go outside when next door's kids were playing in the garden.
Our sex life died, we stopped communicating and doing things together, she started hanging out with another guy for respite, told me doesn't love me, moved out and now divorcing.The IVF appointment letter dropped last week. Hoping to end this year with a happy family I'm now living alone in the 'family' home.

I feel your pain. You're not alone, even if it feels you are.