Should I stay or go?

[Musthavesbackagain]

I am hoping for some advice as I am very unsure what to do.
I am thinking about divorcing my husband of 10 years. I would not say we have an unhappy marriage, we just do not have a happy one.
We have a child aged 10. When she was a baby, our marriage broke down and we separated for several months (he moved out). But our reconciliation was somewhat half-hearted on my part as I was still very angry about what my husband had done. The intimacy between us has never recovered and in the years that have followed, we have rarely had sex.
My husband works extremely hard doing very long hours, and therefore is reliant on me to provide all the housekeeping and childcare, with very little input from him.
I stopped working when our daughter was born, but in the past few years I have begun building up part time work for myself with a view to increasing my hours and pay as our daughter grows older. Currently though, I only made 6K in the last tax year. Unless I compromise on being available for our daughter each day before/after school, there is a limit to how many hours I can work as my husband is not around to assist with any aspect of our family homelife. Even when he is home, he is working. This is partly due to extremely poor time management skills on his part. But he would not reduce his hours if I told him I wanted to go out and work more hours myself.
I feel now that I would like to leave. There does not seem to be much love left between us. We never spend any quality time together and there is certainly no spark between us. But I know it would be a huge blow to him if I moved away with our daughter. I do not even think he has the emotional capacity to deal with the fall out of looking after himself. But I would put money on us not being married after another 10 years has passed, at the rate we are going.
I am nearly 50. I am very aware of the limitations that my age places on employment and home ownership avenues. I feel like if I don’t do it now, it will be too late. My parents have offered to assist with childcare if I relocate cross country to where they live. Financially, they would also be able to help me get back on my feet.
We have a nice lifestyle here, we have a nice home and I do not have to struggle financially. I am unsure whether to remove myself from this and put myself back into the slog of working full time with (what will be) a young teen to care for. I think that with time, I would be able to get a decent job. I also think that I would be happier and able to manage on my own.
I guess my question is, should I stay for the financial security and not take our child away from my husband? WWYD?

[eastmidsmum]

So have you (both) considered relationship counselling at any point?

[iamthrough]

I can completely understand where you are - I was the same 2/3 years ago. A couple of practical pointers:
A book called Too Good to leave Too bad to Stay is great. It wont make your decision any easier but it helps you focus on important factors.
There are mortgage options out there for your age - some lenders will extend a loan until you are 70 now (terrifying but might make things possible for you)
Your daughter will gradually get more independent. sound like she'll be at secondary school next year so will likely be making her own way to and from school so that may widen your employment opportunities.
A top piece of advice I got from our Relate counsellor was You are not responsible for your husbands emotions - how he reacts is down to him.
Think very hard about this - IF you separate you will both have to accept a reduction in level of lifestyle you currently have. There will be ways to adjust and manage, you may get maintenance, you may be eligible for various benefits, you may get a greater share of any assets depending on how you divide childcare etc but accept now that you will be living on less than you are currently. (sorry if that sounds harsh)
Good Luck!!

[Musthavesbackagain]

Eastmidsmum, I doubt we will go to relationship counselling at this point. When we seperated some years ago, we attended counselling both seperately and together but the purpose of that counselling was to resolve the problem which had caused the seperation. It did resolve the problem, over time, but there wasn't much left of our relationship but the time we were through. But with a baby to care for and a new marriage under our belts, I felt compelled to carry on.

[Musthavesbackagain]

Iamthrough - thank you for your advice. I had a chat with our financial advisor yesterday and she said the same about mortgages. She said lenders are acknowledging that people are working into their 70's, and people are 'starting again' at later stages in their life.

[Hotterthanahotthing]

I left 3 years ago,almost 56 and had no trouble getting a mortgage.In a few years with a full time job you would manage and you have support which it doesn't sound as if you are getting from your husband.
I made the mistake of buying locally to ensure my ex had a relationship with his daughter then he moved 100 miles away!Had I known I would have taken us nearer to my family.
Do what's right for you,never mind the number you are young enough to have a better life.

[MoreProseccoNow]

Have you seen a lawyer? It's good to see an IFA & lawyer before making the decision- knowledge is power!

From your posts, there doesn't seem to be a lot of love lost between you? In that case, better to split now, before highly school, than at the teenage stage.

Lastly - check with your lawyer if you can realistically move away with your daughter & what that means for her relationship with her father. Would he be in agreement?

[Musthavesbackagain]

Hello again.

Iamthrough – thank you for the book recommendation. I picked up a copy and have read it all, and I answered all the questions. On the whole, it did indicate that leaving would be best. Although there were a couple of points that made me realise the relationship is not completely dead (yet).

I visited my parents home town and had a look at the local high school for our child. I was very impressed with what I saw. I feel like I can see a future for us there. I also hammered out some financial details with my parents and we have reached a place where the financial support I will initially need, is available from them.

I have floated the idea of separating to my husband. He is devastated but accepts my reasoning and can see why various things in our history have led me to this. He said he will support any decision I come to, including moving away. I am still not 100% sure that this is the right thing to do but I just can’t see myself staying here in this marriage for the rest of my life.
So now he is moping around with a long face. And making time for our child, which he hardly ever does. And today he sent me a link suggesting a family holiday this summer, that he would like us all to go on. I am not opposed to the idea of a holiday but I cannot remember the last time that he actually took the time to sit down and browse for a holiday that we would all benefit from. And now I feel guilty about that.

[MoreProseccoNow]

So he's making an effort now, after all these years of knowing that you have been unhappy?

Is it "too little, too late", do you think?

Do you have sufficient feelings for him to continue?

Would it be possible for all of you to relocate near your parents whilst you give things a try?

[Nothingmuch]

Sounds like arrows are pointing for you to leave. I know you need to be near your child’s school, but what about a trial separation again to see how you both feel ? Think how your child would feel if you divorce.

I divorced a good man and had regrets afterwards. I wish I had just made my own life whilst he was working constantly.

[Musthavesbackagain]

I would like to seperate. I know that in my mind and in my heart. I don't particularly have feelings for him, no. But I am already finding this absolutely exhausting mentally and emotionally, without even considering all the practicalities. The timing is right for a move regarding our childs education. I think I could and would be happy once I had left and got myself settled. It's the bit inbetween that is holding me back. When my mind is clear, I can see that.
At the moment, he is making lots and lots of effort. But we have been here before and I know that it won't last, unfortunately.
Right now, relocation for him is not an option due to his work. But it might be possible for him to relocate in a couple of years time. And I don't think 2-3 years is a long time in terms of living apart to see how it all pans out.
I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff, waiting for someone to push me.

[Palaver1]

We aren’t going to push you.
His capable of doing the right thing wish you said more much earlier.
His a great provider as in keeping a roof over your head and you want more you want to be loved you want a friend and you want your daughter to have a family.
You have gone this far and I think your mind is made up
Time is ticking but be sure you want to end it be sure
Could you try some sort of counselling.
It’s not going to be easy but be sure as I should have done this years back I’m 53 now with a special needs daughter .massive responsibility but time going and I just know I m doing the right thing by going through this divorce.
Mine is a shit provider and I could say moe yours looks like a saint next to him.
Wishing you well it’s not easy but do what sits well with you .

[Musthavesbackagain]

UPDATE: The Decree Absolute was granted today. I did it. I divorced him.
I made the divorce application on 26 Dec 2019, the decree nisi was granted late Feb 2020. And then there was 11 months of complete screwing around on his part, arguing over bloody nothing. But I have not regretted it for a single second. I realised that he was always going to consider his job more important than mine and that he would never do anything to assist me with advancing my career. Since I made this thread, as the months wore on in 2019, I did start to increase my hours working and running my business and he tried to put his foot down, saying I needed to scale back and prioritise our daughter.
We did take that family holiday abroad in summer 2019. It was dire. His childish, selfish behaviour just contributed to the shitload of wifework I was expected to continually do, even on bloody holiday.
It all came to a head late summer 2019 with one very small selfish act that was just the final straw. I realised he was never going to listen to me and only ever think about himself.
Our family home is on the market now, and my daughter and I are headed to my parents town as hoped. At first, he said that he would also move and live relatively nearby, to maintain a relationship with our daughter. But after a couple of months of separation, he announced that he could not possibly leave his very important job (the one he had bitched and moaned about every single day for the duration of our marriage), and that he was staying put. He also expected me to stay here where we live, just for him, even though I am miles and miles away from both my hometown and from where my family and friends are located. No chance of that.
I was worried about my daughter and it held me back somewhat. But when he moved out, it turned out that she was better off being in a house where there wasn’t arguing anymore. And he had spent so little time at home, around her, that there was very little change in our day-to-day routine. He wasn’t around for bedtimes, for family meals, in the morning when she got up for school, and often not even her birthday. I realised I had been doing this alone since her birth, and I could most certainly carry on just as easily. The house is calm now, and she is settled.

My advice:
Everyone on here is right - get clued up. Photocopy every financial document you can think of.
If you are even thinking about reading that book ‘Too Good to Leave’, trust me – it’s over. You have already left the relationship. Your brain just hasn’t caught up with your heart.
You don’t know the man you married until you divorce him.

Thank you to everyone who replied. It helped me feel not so alone.

[Millshake01]

Thank you for the update. Good to hear you are doing well. Yes I have this book on audible. I think you are right. If you have bought it then it's over already!
My husband is back in the house after a separation. It's not going at all well..
take care

[Musthavesbackagain]

@Milkshake01 I am really sorry to hear that. Thinking of you and stay strong x

[Raver84]

Thanks for the update I started reading this just now didn't read in 2019 and as I was reading your first post I was thinking to myslef, you are going to be fine op!

IT was only when I read you last bit I realised it was old thread and I'm so happy things turned out well.

I'm in the process now and still living together it's so awful and I can't wait to get my consent order approved then my absolute. It's lovely to hear life has hone well for you and you daughter x