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Is this fairly normal or am I over thinking? Warning possibly quite petty

(8 Posts)
FauxJoMalaux Tue 07-May-19 22:01:18


Am currently navigating my separation from my DH and not sure if I am being super sensitive or this is normal?

DC was given a keep sake as a thank you gift by MIL but hasn’t been able to bring it home. I’m not sure why but DC has mentioned it three times now and I’m not sure what to say. DC wants to show it to me. I’ve said that daddy must have forgotten to pack in their things when coming home but I suspect that MIL has instructed it not to come home with DC.

For context a major part of the separation was my MIL interfering and doing something that I had specifically asked her not to. There is no love lost between us which has happened over time.

Currently I am very low contact with DH although he does have DC every other weekend and sometimes after school. The reason for the low contact is because he upsets me, causes me to second guess everything and blames me for the split. As above I see things quite differently. We are having counselling but more to communicate about DC and so, I thought, we could agree how to parent. I can’t ask DH about the gift as it will cause arguments but most importantly I do not want to seem petty.

But is this an indication of things to come? So any toys bought by DHs family will not be brought home here? Is this what I should expect and if so how do I explain to DC who is five and already has said numerous times that if I didn’t shout at daddy he would come home confused - daddy has firmly said on numerous occasions to me he wouldn’t be returning home ever (so can only assume this is what he is telling DC although I did shout a lot the night he left but DC was definitely asleep).

Thanks in advance for what probably seems so trivial but I want to try to help DC make sense of things and also manage my own feelings.

OP’s posts: |
FauxJoMalaux Wed 08-May-19 08:22:19


OP’s posts: |
GummyGoddess Wed 08-May-19 08:26:01

I'm pretty sure that he isn't allowed to say things like that to your child in the first place.

As for presents, it seems normal to leave them at the parents house when the split is bad. It isn't right but some people are petty. I've seen posts where even clothes must remain at the purchasers house.

8FencingWire Wed 08-May-19 08:30:17

When we separated, we agreed that ‘stuff’ belongs to DD, not to us. So she is free to move her posessions between houses as she pleases. However, her Dad run out of options to get to me and started buying her stuff she is not allowed to bring to my house. When questioned it, he told her it’s because she refers to my house as home. Jesus wept.

It’s no reflection on you, let him get on with it. We are now at the stage where DD refuses to see him because she’s fed up with his mind games.

SpringerLink Wed 08-May-19 13:39:13

I can see it both ways, I suppose. But if your DC is desparate to bring it to you, then they should be allowed to show you.

As for things staying with respective households - I would end up just doing a whole load of "wife work" for DH if I did that. He would just send home all their dirty clothes, expect me to wash, mend, replace anything lost or broken at his place... so in the end I have bought stuff for his place (like spare of swimming kits, a jacket, PJs, toothbrushes etc for the DC) that can stay with him. And if it's lost or broken, it's his responsibility. It seems petty, but it's absolutely essential for me to be able to make a clean break and stop being responsible for DH as well as DC.

Maybe your MIL is concerned about things ending up at your house, rather than staying with her DC!!

FauxJoMalaux Wed 08-May-19 15:23:58

Thanks all. God it’s all so irritating.

Springer - what do you mean by things ending up at my house instead of staying with DC? I did say I expect she has instructed that (and to be honest the less plastic tat here the better) but it is DC asking and obviously I don’t want to say Nana said you couldn’t bring it home...

OP’s posts: |
SpringerLink Wed 08-May-19 17:28:41

I was thinking that MIL might still view your ex as a «DC» who needs looking after...

FauxJoMalaux Wed 08-May-19 17:36:24

Ah perfect sense and very insightful!! Yes of course. Makes sense and fits. Thanks.

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