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Ex husband thrives on being the hero

(9 Posts)
bigbaymare Thu 04-Apr-19 08:30:58

I’m wondering if anyone has similar stories and advice on handling ‘the hero’.

We are co-parenting well, the kids spend two nights a week at his and he is actively involved in the kids daily lives; which includes spending time with them before and after school several times a week.

He does like people to see/hear how wonderful he is mind, and how hard he works to be amazing.

To work in harmony with him I simply find that i have to calmly keep his hero status alive and well. He has a tendency to position himself as a suffering victim too, in a ‘look how well I’m doing despite my hardship’ kind of way, something which I know him well enough not to allow myself to get caught up in or fuel - usually!

This month he is off on two weekend adventures and they both clash with his kid weekends. Same month.. he can neither keep his mid week commitment on two occasions.

This isn’t usual, it’s the way things have fallen and I have no ill thoughts. The Easter bank holidays offers chance for him to spend extra time with the kids and I’ve swapped the mid weeks. No stress.

I genuinely don’t think either of us have anything to complain about.

Working through our calendars this week he made very little of his absences but instead he’s chosen this month to give me a hard time about him not seeing enough of the kids and that he routinely wants an extra night a week ‘it’s not too much to ask’ yadda yadda. I’m like, say what?? Are we living on different planets.

Then I remember that I’ve seen this behaviour before, six months ago, when his diary had similar clashes, and he some how turned it on me - when he was sunning himself in Spain!! We had quite a row as he totally made himself a victim when all I’d done was hold the fort, quietly.

This helped me realise that he’s massively deflecting from his absence. If he can’t be a hero by being there, being amazing, then he’ll make a villain out of me to bolster his victim/hero status. I’m almost open mouthed!!

How do you handle this? I’ve opted for not rising to his goading, not taking the chalice on, but venting on here instead as it stands!! Why are some people so... odd? He is Mr Handsome, Mr Charming, Mr Popular (but no close friends), Mr Bullshit, Mr doublelife.

He did naff all when we were together, surfed on my life.

I try to treat him like a good guy, so he behaves like a good guy. If I treat him like a twat I fully expect him to behave like a twat. Then life gets harder for me and our kids. I have to trust him, as we have to co-parent so I focus on his ‘good side’ but shit it’s hard sometimes.

On a good note, least I no longer have to wake up next to him!!

OP’s posts: |
frenchonion Thu 04-Apr-19 18:45:52

I'm rushing out but will come back to you later, although to be honest probably more to have a moan with you than give any constructive advice!

daftgeranium Thu 04-Apr-19 19:01:35

OP, this post says much more about you than it does about him.

IsItBetter Thu 04-Apr-19 19:33:35

So by your own words if you treat him like a good guy he is... a good guy

Might be worth doing that then, lol

slipperywhensparticus Thu 04-Apr-19 19:39:17

Dont swap days with him 🤷‍♀️ honestly if he is ditching the kids and blaming you for not seeing them that's nasty he sticks to the days if he wants to change (and you want to accommodate him) lay it on thick about how you are doing HIM a favour might make him think? disclaimer did not work with my ex

TBDO Thu 04-Apr-19 19:48:03

I get what you mean OP. My ex will arrange things when he is supposed to have DC and then moan at me for him not seeing them enough.

Last summer he didn’t commit to any days to she DC so I had to arrange childcare/family help. Then a week before he decided he wanted them in a week I’d already arranged for DC to visit family - so it was my fault for stopping him seeing DC.

To everyone else he is a good guy as he does see DC twice a week. No one sees the stress he causes me in arranging everything around him all the time. And no one thinks I’m amazing for seeing to my DC the other 5 nights, and for ensuring that I book any time away when I’m not scheduled to have DC.

bigbaymare Thu 04-Apr-19 22:59:29

Isitbetter - well, that’s kinda my point, I do, and it means he gets an easily life. But that’s okay if it works, just frustrates me some times. Hence my minor rant here instead!
I appreciate my situation is quite favourable in a lot of ways. I just feel like he is an unknown quantity sometimes, he tries to work me and I just have try to stay quietly firm - because I know he’d be vile if given the chance.
Trying to pick a fight with me when he’s made a diary mistake is manipulative, he’s trying to take the attention (that I’ve not offered) off his own bad. Yet he isn’t someone people would see as manipulative - he is after all the hero hmm
I often think he and his family would love me to play the ‘crazy spurned wife’ card because it would give them some drama and something to get excited about - feed their victim need - but I’m just not doing it, so every now and again they try to poke a reaction!! I’m forever mindfully coaching myself to just not get involved; not my party. I can’t pretend it doesn’t scare me stupid though. I share our children’s up bringing with a family i can but try to trust. It feels fragile sometimes. But all the more reason to trickle feed the hero I guess!
Thank you for the chit chat and similar experiences! It is reasuring x

OP’s posts: |
Dropthedeaddonkey Fri 05-Apr-19 08:58:16

How old are they? I’ve backed off and let 2 older kids and dad sort arrangements themselves. I’d find it hard to have STBXH around almost daily. Maybe it would be better for 3 / 4 night split as long as that includes the days as well so you each have them part of week and one handover at start and end. it’s his job to sort childcare if he can’t manage his days. My STBXH forgot to tell me he’s away on his days and yes this is always my fault for not knowing and not his for not telling me. I’m thinking of downloading an app for contact and suggesting we do it that way so it’s all in writing. Or you can have a shared calendar and send invites / requests.
He never plans school holidays so I have to make arrangements and then he asks at last minute. It gets easier when kids are older (and really just want one base and to see their friends). But I have one disabled child who will always need looking after and arrangements made for him and I find having set days and separate locations works better than having STBXH in my space constantly. The kids do speak to him daily on FaceTime. I’m not clear from your post if you are doing after school and he just has them at nights so there is constant to and fro? In which case it would be better for you to just have him say pick up from school weds and return them Saturday and then you would only have to see him once a week. Holidays could be 50:50. I suspect if you offer this he won’t want it (as most men don’t want to have the hit on their work / income). And don’t swap. If one of us can’t do our days the other does them with agreement but we don’t swap other days instead we keep the kids in the same routine.

stucknoue Fri 05-Apr-19 21:28:47

Well my h (sitting next to me) dropped the d bombshell last week but thinks he can still hang out at our house --- cake and eat it? The DD's are big enough to deal with him thankfully

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