Am I being too reasonable?

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Long story short:

I’ve not been happy in my relationship for 4 years due to partners infidelity. He says he’s been unfaithful because I withheld sex. Won’t let go of that. I say I didn’t want sex because he was unfaithful to me. He doesn’t accept that.

I’ve now told him I want him to leave and he’s surprised!

We have a DD who’s 6 and we haven’t told her anything yet. Because we both don’t want to upset her we are putting a plan together first and seeing a counsellor so we can be really clear with her about what’s happening.

I am finding it hard this weekend not to scream and shout at him and throw his belongings out of the window. I know that if I’m calm and outwardly reasonable it will be much better for my DD in the long term. But I’m completely raging.

What have people who tried to break up gracefully done to stay sane? When I’m with my friends and family they all say how well I’m handling this but when I am alone I’m a disaster.

[Mumoftwo12345]

Distance yourself from reality. Keep busy, and when you can, have as little contact with him (& his life) as you can. I drove myself crazy in the early years because I wanted to know what he was doing and who with, I wanted to know his life was a mess (it wasn’t) and that set me back. Best thing I ever did was block from social media & block numbers, cut him off completely, more to stop myself from contacting.
Everything i did, that my friends applaud me for, I did with just my child in mind.
I allowed myself to wallow in my own time but never in front of anyone else.
Making things difficult for him would have been a complete waste of energy. He simply did not care.

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Thanks mumoftwo - there’s no easy way of doing this is there!

[AndTheSkyWasAllViolet]

I came on here to post something similar, as I am in the same situation. I saw this thread and it helped me as well. It's so hard to keep going. I do well for days and then bam. Not so well. Today is a day I want to yell and scream.

You're not alone OP. Hugs to you. We will get through this.

Thank you mumoftwo for your post, as it rekindles my efforts thus far.

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Thanks violet -

[Mumoftwo12345]

It’s early and I remember how difficult it was. You’re doing better than you think. This is a good avenue, and journaling if that’s what you’re into. I read back some of my entries now & just want to give myself a cuddle! Lol xx

[Jupiter9]

There's no excuse for infidelity. Stay strong and good luck.

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Thanks mumoftwo - it’s so reassuring to know I’m not the only one and that it does get easier. Writing about it is a good idea.

Tonight we actually talked about money during our initial separation. He’s going to look at a flat close by tomorrow which is expensive but in a pretty ideal location. He said he loves me and our DD and I started crying. He never said that before I said he had to go. I didn’t say that to him. I just kept my cool. Said I had to go to bed.

[Sohardtochooseausername]

I mean we talked about how we will manage money when he moves out.

[Mumoftwo12345]

I see. My situation was a little different to yours, my exh loved the OW and she left her husband for him. He did not tell me he loved me, and our newborn at the time, well he didn’t have any feeling for either way I’m sure.
Have you concluded that there is no way for you other than to get out. If so, getting a clear financial plan while things are still amicable would be best, including full disclosure of his income if you do not already know. I had no idea of exes debts which were insurmountable! A heavy lesson learned for future relationships!

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Mumoftwo it’s the second time he’s been unfaithful so THATS IT even if he does love me. I don’t think he does love me in the way I want to be loved. He’s said he sees me as a ‘friend’.

I am fortunate because I do earn a lot more than he does and I manage all our money - but I mean more I will be eating a lot of pasta to make sure ends meet and I can make mortgage payments!

We are still going on holiday this weekend because we haven’t told DD yet.

The good news is he went to see a flat and has applied to rent it. So he is leaving. Eventually.

[Sohardtochooseausername]

PS I wonder whether the OW will leave her H for my stbex - apparently they ‘bonded’ over how unhappy they both are in their relationships. Doesn’t sound like the most positive start to a Romance!

[Mumoftwo12345]

Yes it’s pretty unforgivable. I found out there were many others before the one that decided she wanted them keep him.
It’s not a strong foundation to build a life together no. You’re better off out & your daughter deserves to see you happy. Best of luck x

[AnnUnderTheFryingPan]

I found counselling really helpful OP, just chose someone from the Counsellor Directory who was nearby. I took a of lot of support and strength from those sessions - as well as somewhere to go to cry/rant.