Feeling alone and scared

[Lifeunexpected]

You’re not here. My Mum is lying in bed with me and you’re not here. You’ve left. You had a relationship with another women for two years and she’s now pregnant. You’re building a relationship with her for the sake of the baby. And you’re not here. I moved out of our house for 18 months because I thought you were ill. Too anxious and too low to cope with family life and our 7 month old. I made a commitment to look after you. Give you the time you needed to get better. To take things slowly. God it was slow!!! Only to finally moved back in for four months, have our little family back, to find out you’ve been having an affair.

Who are you? Where are you? Are you hurting? How are you getting through each day?

How did you do what you did? How much did you shift, manipulate and fool me to spend time with her? How many times did you say - “I don’t feel ready” or “I can’t do this weekend” or “I’m feeling funny” or “I’m having a wobble” in order to change plans to ensure that you saw her. How often did you use our son? Prioritise your needs over his? Be having sex with her, whilst I sobbed in my room at my mum’s house? Sent me hearts of love whilst pouring her a drink? Said ‘I’m going to bed now’ so that you could get me out the way and continue exchanging messages to her? Do you know how hard it was to walk away from my house whenever I came to see you? Walk away from our son when you needed me? Tiptoe around your anxieties when inside I wanted to scream? I was travelling over 80 miles a day. Looking after a 7 month old. Responding to you whenever you felt anxious and coping with you shutting me out when it became overwhelming.

Do you have any idea how you made me feel, every time I questioned your intentions or whether you’d been in contact with her? You called me names. You got angry. You accused me of trying to push you away. You questioned whether I wanted you! You would swear on our son’s life. You would ask me how I’d think you could do that to me. You would retreat. You would have a wobble the following week, explain that you couldn’t ‘do it’. That I couldn’t stay over. That the plans we made, I had to change. I had to go and stay at my Mums...again. The guilt that I felt for putting you through that and the frustration for knocking back our progress to get home.

Even with being able to contact her now I believe you’re lying. Lying that you ‘accidentally’ forgot to put your wedding ring back on at work. Lying that you never went straight from her to me or vice versa. Lying that the sex was average. Lying that you never bought underwear or sex toys - despite the receipt that I found. Lying that she never came to our house. Lying that you don’t love her now. Lying that you have no plans to be with her, but you have to support her.

How are you the man that I’ve been with for 17 years? The man that I trusted 110%. With everything! Yet for the last 2 years you’ve been putting me through hell. Making me feel like we were working towards something- building our relationship. That me and our son were everything. That you wanted to be with us? It doesn’t make sense. A man who wanted to be a father, who wanted to be a family, who loved me and everything I am - would have begged her to get an abortion. Would not have offered his support on any decision she made. Yet you make it sound like you’re finally stepping up. Finally being selfless.

People ask if a suspected. Did I? Yes. I suspected that you had more than drinks with her. But you were so convincing. The tears, the declarations and panic attacks. You screamed “don’t you dare accuse me of that - I’m falling apart and it’s the one shred of dignity that I have left”. Yes I suspected, but every time I found something you twisted things and made me feel ashamed for asking. I never suspected that when I left our home, for 18 months, that you’d lied to everyone at work and to her. I never suspected that you’d go to the lengths you went to convince other people that we weren’t together. Why? Because I thought you could see the sacrifices that I was making. The turmoil you were putting me through. You told me you loved me everyday, several times. You wrote poems, emotional messages, made promises, spoke proudly of what we were working towards, bought sentimental things that encouraged me to believe in our family and in our marriage. I never thought you’d have it in you to do what you did. Telling me that you couldn’t face getting up early to see our son because it was too overwhelming. But having the energy and drive to get up early before work and drive to her house for sex. I never suspected that. It’s unbelievable. It’s enormous. I trusted you. I believed you. You made me believe in you.

I feel like my life has fallen apart. My family are encouraging no contact with you. Yet we have our son. You want to see him. I’m relieved that you do want to see him. However, I’m angry because now you feel you’re able to cope with him for a whole day. Yet over the last two years you’ve only looked after him alone on a handful of occasions for a couple of hours- and that was a big deal! Yet now, your anxiety has gone? What was real? It seemed so real at the time. You say that you did get better and felt more and more able to cope with seeing and caring for him. But how am I meant to make sense of it all? What was for the affair? What was guilt? What was post natal anxiety? Is there a clear line?

I’m trying to cope with what you put me through over the last two years. To manage the guilt of putting you first, over our son. I’m trying to make sense of what was real and what wasn’t. Of me being alone for the first time in 17 years. Of our separation. Of the idea of being divorced in my 30s. Of meeting solicitors who are challenging my views of you. Talking about emotional abuse and whether our son is safe with you. Of moving out of our beautiful house. Of having to change our son’s surrounding again, after he’s already had to live between two houses. Of sleeping with another man after I’ve only ever slept with you. Of never being a family or spending time together again. Of dating. Of trusting someone else. Of you being a father to another baby - yet you were absent for ours. That she will be carrying your baby. Of not knowing where you are, who your with, if you’re hurting or if you care at all. Of getting through each hour.

My future looks so different to what I expected. Our son will be from a broken family. He will have a half sibling. I’m not going to grow old and grey with you. Who are you? I miss you. I hate you.

[justsobloodysad]

I'm so sorry this has happened. It's heartbreakingly unfair. And it's a rollercoaster of emotions. I really feel for you.

[Tiddleypops]

So sorry OP. What a completely horrendous betrayal.

[eve34]

I am so sorry to hear the heart break you are going through. I know it is so very hard but he is not the person you thought he was. He is a lying arse. And doesn't not deserve a single second of your thoughts or time. I know how impossible this must seem. I have been there. Just take each day as it comes. Look after yourself. Talk and let people be there for you. Seek professional help if you think you need it and go as low contact as you can. Leave him wondering. Stay strong. You will come out the other side at some point although it doesn't seem like it right now. You deserve so much better.

[jaycee7]

Hi.

I don't post on sites but felt I should.

So sorry to hear that. I went through similar only didn't have a child at that time. So far easier for me but I did have a big mortgage to pay on my own.

I struggled for some time with the whole situation but someone said to me he doesn't want you get over it! It felt harsh but those words were so important and true. That said my ex kept asking me back but why on earth would I do that. I realised my worth. There is a lot more to my story but I won't bore you but I have after many years now met and married a great guy. He is amazing with my child and they have a special bond. Also Unlike my ex's family my husbands family are amazing. I know it's hard and (sometimes) it's hard to understand but things do happen for a reason. Although I know it doesn't feel like it now.

I wish you every happiness x

[Xenia]

Do you have to move out of the house? Could you afford to buy out your husband's share of the house? Might you not have a right to stay there?

[feistyfifties]

This is one of the most powerful pieces of writing I've read. I understand the betrayal - although it was nowhere near the scale of yours.

All I can say is that when you're ready, take hold of your ability, your articulacy of writing and use it as your strength. When all's said and done, you have this. This skill. I realise you're devastated and don't, in any way, want to minimise that - but what struck me from your post is the power you have in voicing how you feel. That strength, that power, it overrides everything. I wish you well and it will get better, believe me x

[Lifeunexpected]

Thank you for your caring and thoughtful comments. They mean so much. They really do. I had to post it somewhere, otherwise I would have sent it to him!

I can’t believe this is my life. My life has never been drama filled. I want him to see the pain and confusion that he’s caused. He’s thrown what we had away. I’m still trying to make sense of his actions and perhaps I’ll never understand. I just wish that he’d let me go over two years ago. I just want to fast forward the pain I’m feeling. I want to enjoy things again and be there 100% (in body and mind!) for my son. He’s still taking things away from me and depending on me to be amicable, reasonable and the ‘better person’. He doesn’t understand the magnitude of his behaviour. He says he does, but he has no idea. He’s not been on the receiving end of lies and manipulation. I never showed him how hard the time at my parents was. I shielded him as I thought it would affect his emotional health!

He says he’s ‘stepping up’ now. He’s left the family home and he’s paying a ‘fair’ contribution to the bills etc. I can’t stay in our house long term - it’s just not financially viable for me.

It’s just so hard having all these raw emotions, yet I have to stay in contact (via my sister) to make arrangements regarding our son. Every message from him seems so practical and.......cold. Every messages hurts me. He says he’s not going to beg my forgiveness because he doesn’t deserve me. If I’m being honest, I’m desperate for him to tell me that he misses me. It’s like he’s gone into practical mode and switched off his emotions.

[Xenia]

In that case I would not rush any important financial decisions and keep things as they are if he is paying eg the mortgage as you are not surprisingly very upset by all this trauma and it would not be a good time to decide about money issues.

Is it possible to put in place never changing rigid contact arrangements so you never need to see your ex? We didn't discuss contact once actually as my ex chose no contact or just about none but he just came at the same time to take the youngest for a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon (having said he would never see any of us again originally) and once they were about 4 he could ring the bell and then they could take themselves out to the car so there was no email, no phone calls and no even seeing him when he arrived. Then once one was about 7 as he was quite good with email his father would communicate just with the child which is ridiculous (he never paid a penny and I had them all 365 nights a year and he rarely saw the older ones) but if it worked for him that's fine.

[eve34]

Life.
Just do what you can to get through. I would make sure you get legal guidance so you know what your options are.
You will get a reduction in council tax if you are the only adult in the house.
Start making a list. Life insurance pensions etc. That you might want to change.
Agree a set contact arrangement days and times.
So communication is kept to a minimum. Only to be contacted if anything needs to change.
It is so hard. I am four months down the line and each text or phone call leaves me tearful.
Hope you have good people around you. Let them support you. They will want to help.

[Lifeunexpected]

I feel so low and lost. I've been signed off work and have anti-depressants (but I haven't chosen to take them yet). I'm struggling through each hour. Whilst he is managing to go to work, go to his guitar lessons and add pins on Pinterest! How is he managing to cope after we've been together for 17 years!!? What's the matter with him?

I keep returning to the question of whether he loves me or not. I know that it should be irrelevant. I know he's acted with no respect to me. But I'm keen to know if he has loved me for the last two years and whether the two weeks after I found out everything - if he was still lying. He said he wanted to be with me, he begged for my forgiveness. Yet he's now telling his friends that he wasn't sure what he wanted. When we were talking things through, I asked him if we were to separate, whether he would end up with the other women. He said that he couldn't say either way, because 'who knows' what the future could bring. After all, 'we do have to build a relationship for the sake of the baby'. He said that he was thinking 'practically' and almost suggested that she was his Plan B. Like he was weighing things up. Checking out the probability of a) me forgiving him with a baby on the way with another women OR b) her forgiving him with a baby to think of. Does that sound like someone who knows what he wants? Or really wanted to be with me?

I'm going round and round in circles. Questioning my sanity. Whether I'm making up all the declarations of love and promises.
My friends make it sound so easy- he's confused and it doesn't sound like he loved you enough. But they weren't there and haven't heard everything he said to me. I guess he didn't make me FEEL loved. His words seemed meaningless - especially as he gave mixed messages.

I guess I'm denying the reality. He didn't love me enough. He didn't respect me enough. It just hurt so much.

Thank you for your advice. I know I need to think practically. It's just hard. I want to keep one step in front of him so that I feel like somethings in my control. But I don't feel ready.

I've agreed for my husband to see my son this Sunday for 3 hours. I've specified that my family member will drop off and collect - so that I don't see him. I've also told him that 'we'll' review the arrangement on a weekly basis - particularly given his apparent anxiety with our son (that's somehow disappeared!).

What a mess!

[eve34]

Life. It is only natural to feel so lost. You weren't prepared for this. He checked out long ago and distracted himself from your life slowly over time. For us this is new news. For them they have been planning and organising their new life for a considerable while.
If you have been given meds I would urge you to take them. They will at least help you sleep more soundly and hopefully help with the lows.
It is such early days. Be kind to yourself. He is not the man you thought he was and that hurts. It is good that you have family helping and supporting you with contact. It is good you have some practical things in place. Take it piece by piece.

[Lifeunexpected]

Thank you, Eve.

Four months on and you seem so strong. I hope to be where you are. How have you kept going?

[eve34]

Thank you. There are many days I'm not. I still wake and cry for the the life I thought the children and I had. And the man I thought he was. I can give a list of reasons that we are better off without him. But I am bereft. I loved him and the family we had and the future I thought We had. I now have to miss chunks of time with the children. And of course he had as much right to be with them as I do. But it is a kick in the teeth that he and ow are playing happy families with my children. Whilst I am in limbo trying to piece a new life together for me.
My rational mind tells me she is welcome to him. He has narc traits and is a bully. But he can also make you feel on top of the world.
I took the meds and did the counselling. I still am consumed by the whole thing some days but I know it will pass. It is just going to take time. And I'm in no hurry. I want to pause and enjoy the children and the peaceful life we have now. IIt helps that I made it absolutely clear I want no contact other than about the children. And I have been blunt and to the point when contact has to be made. He is not my friend. He has destroyed mine and the children's world. Because family life got dull and predictable and boring. And for completely selfish reasons. His action are unforgivable in my eyes.

[Lifeunexpected]

Oh, Eve. I feel your pain. I'm amazed that you're in a place where you're able to reflect upon such trauma and offer words of support to others. Thank you. I hope you can see how far you've come.

I know it's grief. I agree. I work in mental health (perhaps that was the problem! I was too keen to see everything as a mental health issue). I know that these feelings will pass and it is temporary. But it doesn't stop the pain of knowing the life we could have shared if he'd not made the choices he did.

People are keen to disregard our relationship - like he oppressed me the entire time. He didn't. We had such a good thing. Even over the last two years, i felt like we were reattaching, not moving apart. After talking to the OW - he did reduce his time with her. He had too - I was gradually moving back in. He finished it with her several times. Yet they ended up back together. He couldn't and didn't want to let her go. That's why I'm so confused.

I questioned him, "we're separating, why do you seem so calm?". He said, that I'd been hit by a truck. But he'd been the one driving it - so he knew what was coming. Like you say. He's had plenty of time to prepare for this moment.

Where's the fast forward button?

The range of emotions I have is enormous. I woke at 3:30am this morning and I couldn't get back to sleep. I want to write to my husband. I want to write and tell him my side of the story. I want to show his family. I want to show the OW - especially the promises he made me and what he said about her after I found out.

I want to ruin his chances with her. Save her from his lies. But then do I want to destroy his chances of being happy, if it means he's alone, miserable and turns to alcohol (just like his Dad did)? I think of my son as I write this. I don't want him to have that Dad.

Would it be easier if I was just filled with hate? Or if it was just 'an affair' and not attached to the shit he put me through over the last 2 years?

My friends and family think I should write a book. Not to publish. But just because.

This is so crazy!

[eve34]

I think it helps to write things down. Get your thoughts in order and get it all out. I have written many e mails and letter and not sent them. I am sure it does his head in that he has no idea what I think or feel. That door is well and truly closed. Although I am sure he rarely thinks of me. And only wants to be friends to ease his guilt and to show everyone what a great man he is.

I have thought of approaching ow. I have no malice towards her. That changes though the more she becomes part of the children's lives. She has not betrayed me. And no doubt has been fed a pack of lies. But ultimately she is not going to believe me over him. I fully expect that I have been painted the bitter ex. So she will find out in time what he is really like. And she will decide what she will tolerate. She is not my concern.
It is a roller coaster ride. I hate it and I hate how the future looks for the children and I but I have just got to make the best of it. There is no changing it. And although I absolutely know he will never come back. if for one remote moment he tried I would laugh. The betrayal was too big. The lies and deceit too great. And I have my pride.
I hope that you got some rest. Eat when you can and keep talking. Although you know all that. If I can give you one pearl of wisdom. It is to go as low contact as you can. Don't let him know what you think and feel.
Hope you have some nice plans for the weekend. Summer needs to hurry up now.

[Lifeunexpected]

You're seeing our son today. I'm feeling uncomfortable and on edge. My family are doing the handovers and liaising with you.

My friends are concerned that you're having him by yourself. I don't know what to think. My gut is that you'll keep our son safe, that you'll love seeing him and that you miss him. You're an intelligent man. You won't let our son be affected when you're with him. You took time, with my help, understanding and patience, to build a relationship with him (whatever the reason - guilt, anxiety, shame!). You barely looked after him on your own across two years. But I never doubted that you couldn't. It was more that you didn't have the capacity to. So I'm giving you a chance. To keep your promises. To 'step up'. But please don't think that it makes you a better person or absolve you of what you've done. Your behaviour has already let our son down. You have broken our family.

Although I'm on edge, I'm looking forward to our son spending time with you. It's been two weeks and I know that our son will be excited to see you. That he'll enjoy it. I have to try and keep our son as the priority. It's hard. I want to hurt you.

How are you able to make jokes about little things on messages? As though this is the easiest thing in the world? As though we're going to be friends? As though you haven't abused my trust and used my kindness against me for 2 years? The things you did, you wouldn't do to a best friend. You've broken our romantic relationship, friendship and our family.

You're able to carry on with life, compartmentalising your emotions. I'm concerned for you. Aren't you concerned? I hope you're seeking help, for our son's sake.

[eve34]

Hope you manage to relax for those few hours. I know it is neither what you want or need.

I am sure you son will have lovely few hours with his dad. It is time he stepped up and parents.

As for him being so normal and joking. He wants this awkward stage to pass he wants you to be ok with everything to ease his guilt. Don't engage with anything above contact for ds. Tell him he can expect to hear from your solicitor. Stay strong.

[Lifeunexpected]

The entire experience was heart breaking. My son asked if I was coming too. I could see that my Mum cried after she'd dropped him off. My husband spent the morning with our son, with his family. My mother in-law messaged me to say thank you. My husband sent me photos- which wasn't part of any discussion we've had. He's meant to be making contact through my sister and using the handover book. Then, as I put my son down for a nap - he asked for Daddy.

I was on edge the whole time. I still am. This is so painful. I hope it gets easier!

[eve34]

It is heart breaking. I wish there were some easy answers. I have asked for ex not to make contact with me when he has the kids. I am sure he thinks it is reassuring but actually it is just a kick in the gut. showing me what a great time they are having. I don't want or need it. And unfortunately for him it is not reciprocated. He made his bed he can lie in it.
It does get easier. I am still in the early days. I don't like it. But have arranged to do some volunteering that I wanted to do on the weekend the kids are with him. And have made some new single friends. Although I have good friends they are all in couples and don't really understand what it is I'm going through as much as they try.
It is early days. Just pace yourself.

[Lifeunexpected]

There's been a family bereavement and I've been thrown back into seeing him and having communication with him.

I'm so confused - on top of grieving for a loved one I'm a mixed bag of emotions. I've needed him and he's needed me. That's felt good and so familiar.

He's saying he wants to be with me, but won't beg because he knows the right thing is to let me go. He worries that he can no longer make me happy. He's saying he loves me still. That he'll never be able to move on. That if he could rewind the clock, it's me and our son that he wants. That it's my decision. To ask me would be cruel. All the things that I hated him for over the last few weeks, I've found out that I've misinterpreted them. He's hurting. Really hurting. It makes it harder to leave.

We both recognise that we're living in a grief bubble because of what's happened. There's still another women having his baby- and he's maintaining contact. Yet, I'm not as sure as I was about ending it.

I wish I could grieve in a 'normal situation'. That we were together when this happened.