What can I do?

[3sleepingchildren]

I am trying to separate from stbx.

I am initiating divorce.

He is financially controlling, emotionally manipulative/abusive. Our marriage has been dying for years, and last July I finally told him I wanted a divorce. He is refusing to leave the house.

We have 3 dc, who all have ASD. Eldest has severe autism, the other two are allegedly less affected, but this merely means no cognitive delays, as their needs are high.

Eldest (age 13) has huge issues with stbx. Doesn’t trust him (he doesn’t stick to routines, regularly ignores her, claims he doesn’t understand her when she speaks to him, then tells her off when she gets frustrated and shouts (in meltdown)). He has hurt her before now, when trying to restrain her when she explodes due to him not following routines. She disclosed this at school, and so social services are involved, but nothing seems to be coming of that. He regularly ignores her boundaries (eg if she asks him to leave her room, or asks that I help her with personal care).

He refuses to leave the house, despite the distress it is causing the dc (eldest is generally distressed when he is around, and the knock on effect of this for the rest of us is huge - I get hurt, dd2gets hurt, even ds (only 5) was targeted over the weekend - this is in no way acceptable, but the onus cannot be on a severely disabled, vulnerable child to control and modify behaviours instantly, instead of he fully functioning adult). He says he doesn’t believe that it is any calmer when he isn’t here, and presents the situation as inevitable.

It has become a he-said, she-said situation. Today we attended a parent meeting at eldest’s School. I highlighted a situation which I believe had a detrimental effect on dd1 last week, whitewash began. He claimed it didn’t happen that way, has sent an email outlining the ‘facts’ (which actually contradict what he initially said happened anyway, and are not accurate in any case). I suspect he will start on dd1 this evening, telling her his version of events, presenting it as fact.

He often relies on things like ‘dd1 didn’t tell me she didn’t want that/wanted something different’ when it isn’t possible for dd1 to do this - she cannot stand up for herself, especially if she is regularly told she is wrong. But of course, this then backs up his version of events.

What on Earth am I supposed to do now? I have no money, as he is financially controlling, so I cannot move out. He will not go, and legally there is little I can do to make him currently.

The dc are all stressed (they do not know we have separated, because dd1 (in particular) would not cope with the knowledge that at some point he/we will move house, but without an end point. She cannot deal with that kind of uncertainty.

We have attended an initial mediation session, but he is currently not arranging the next session (ball in his court: I have said when I am available). Initial session was beginning of November, so this is really rolling on now.

He is stalling every step of the way, and it is having an awful effect on the dc. Dd1 is permanently stressed out, dd2 is old enough to be in the middle of it all and regularly asks me why stbx won’t stick to dd1’s routines. Ds is he leat affected currently, but he is caught up i it all in a Completely different way because stbx spoils him, and lets him get away with murder (including encouraging him to disrupt dd1’s routines) - he damage he is doing to their sibling relationship is huge.

[MrsBertBibby]

Has your petition been issued?

[3sleepingchildren]

It is just being issued now.

Delay due to me (stupidly) initially believing he would behave in best interests of the children, and then trying to get ‘unreasonable’ reasons that he would not contest (he has said that if he doesn’t agree he will contest; I believe him).