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Divorce process - what to do first?

(24 Posts)
Skibunny1980 Wed 14-Feb-18 09:02:31

What do I do now? Been to see solicitor. She wants me to file for divorce now.
Husband wants to go to mediation to agree childcare and money before the divorce.
What’s best? I don’t feel I can agree childcare/money without a solicitors advice.
I’ve read everything I can but stuck here. Please help.
Also do we have to live together until the finances are agreed?

fusspot66 Wed 14-Feb-18 09:38:42

Have a look at the government website
www.gov.uk/divorce
It's all explained quite well and might be easier to take on board. Don't let the solicitor rush you. Usually finances and children need to be settled first. Mediation is ok as long as you are both motivated to do the best by your kids.

Skibunny1980 Wed 14-Feb-18 10:27:47

We both absolutely want different things for the kids. He wants 50/50 but I don’t as I do all the childcare now.

Skibunny1980 Wed 14-Feb-18 10:29:56

Can I use her for advice on mediation if I’ve not started the divorce process? Sorry for the questions and thank you.

Ilovecamping Wed 14-Feb-18 10:34:03

How long have you been apart?

Skibunny1980 Wed 14-Feb-18 11:50:30

We decided to split in January. Still living together. We’ve not made any progress although we have talked about what we want to happen. I just need to find the strength to move forwards now.

NaiceBiscuits Wed 14-Feb-18 12:16:34

I'd absolutely get the advice of a solicitor. IME Ex's who pull the no solicitor's line are usually trying to pull a fast one. And you can file and then mediate, no problem

MrsBertBibby Wed 14-Feb-18 14:31:56

Yes you can use the solicitor during mediation. I often have clients coming in between sessions.

Your solicitor is right to want to get the divorce under way. It takes Bury a month to turn a petition round, and I have been waiting 2 months and counting on a decree nisi application. Once you have a financial agreement you can't send it to court until you have decree Nisi, so why would you want to build in another 4 -6 months hanging around?

You don't have to live together until divorce but you do ideally need to sort child arrangements before separating.

Ilovecamping Wed 14-Feb-18 15:59:06

You don't have to divorce straight away, my ex and I waited 2 years. Let things settle first then look at long term options.

MagicFajita Wed 14-Feb-18 16:06:59

I was advised to file immediately and work everything else out along the way.

I decided against mediation though as there was abuse during the marriage , I took the access issue through family court instead.

It all took about 18 months iirc as absolute couldn't be issued without everything being settled.

We lived apart during the process as I left then filed for divorce from a safe distance.

MrsBertBibby Wed 14-Feb-18 16:10:22

Waiting is fine for some, but most people can't afford to wait 2 years to resolve things like mortgages and so forth. I never recommend it. Divorces never get easier or more straightforward by being sat on.

Skibunny1980 Wed 14-Feb-18 16:53:12

I had a chat to another solicitor today and he said I need to start the process to get full financial disclosure. So, what’s stopping me? Why can’t I do it?
I know it’s over. He’s being horrible. I just can’t bring myself to do it 😢

MrsBertBibby Wed 14-Feb-18 17:08:06

Because it's quite scary!

MagicFajita Wed 14-Feb-18 17:19:08

I filed about three months after leaving op , I was scared of many things...escalation of anger, being alone , admitting that I'd knowingly married an abusive man. The list is endless.

MyBoysAndI Thu 15-Feb-18 08:55:09

Dh and l sorted out childcare between us. I understand that he wants 50/50 but you need to ascertain how he is going to acheive it. I suspect it's financially driven.

Keep everything in writing between you. Email or message him and say before you agree 50/50 you want to know how he will achieve it. Also if that's what he wants then it needs to start immediately.

May find once he is actually doing it he isn't as keen!

MyBoysAndI Thu 15-Feb-18 08:56:12

Also full financial disclosure can take weeks so better to make a start now

Skibunny1980 Thu 15-Feb-18 13:41:32

Thank you myboys. He was so horrible today I just want to be rid of him.
He’s carrying on life like he’s not bothered. He’s like a stranger to me.

MyBoysAndI Thu 15-Feb-18 14:38:44

My stbxh is so emotionally detached - he moved on to another woman long ago so he doesn't care. For us though it's a shock. In 6 months time you'll be just as detached.

MyBoysAndI Thu 15-Feb-18 14:40:01

That bold was meant to be crossed out

MyBoysAndI Thu 15-Feb-18 14:41:20

Need to start being hard yourself. What is the currant set up at home re: chores etc

Skibunny1980 Thu 15-Feb-18 17:00:40

He’s is the back bedroom. Not doing his washing or cooking. He is coming and going as he pleases so I feel like a babysitter at times.
He refuses to leave.

MyBoysAndI Thu 15-Feb-18 18:22:42

Good. Glad you're not doing wife work anymore.

Next thing to sort out is the childcare. I think you need to have a solid plan of who's responsible and when.

What are yours and his working week?

Skibunny1980 Thu 15-Feb-18 18:24:36

I work full time but flexible hours. His are all over the place (own business).

MyBoysAndI Thu 15-Feb-18 19:24:18

That's your starting point on discussions.

If he wants the children 50/50 then he needs to have more regular hours. As much as it's awful you are going to have to have this discussion.

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