Partner won’t leave, affecting kids and me

[Jessy78]

Hello,
I am new to this so please bear with me as it’s quite long and complicated, I’ll try to scale it down.

I have been with my partner for 9 years and have two children aged 2.5 and 14 months. To cut a very long story short I don’t love him anymore, or like him as a person, and living together is becoming intolerable. I asked him months ago to find somewhere else to live, on two separate occasions, but he refuses to move out as it’s his house as much as mine (joint mortgage) & he says he’s not letting me ruin his life by taking his kids away. I’m not trying to ruin his life, if anything I’m trying to save both our lives, our kids lives and all our happiness. There is absolutely no respect left in our relationship. He professes to love me in his own bizarre way but his actions say very different. He is emotionally abusive and very passive aggressive. We have had times where we have literally gone two weeks without speaking and when I’ve tried to speak he is hell bent on giving me the silent treatment, even turning the tv up to drown me out. When we do speak we argue constantly, I hate to say it but at times in front of our very young children. The oldest at 2.5 is picking up on everything and the atmosphere you could cut with a knife. It’s got to a point where we can barely have any conversation at all without it turning nasty and the the effect this is having on me, not to mention our children is starting to make me ill. I am not in a position to start again somewhere new and won’t uproot my children from all they know in their home. It’s bad enough for them the change in dynamics losing a living parent will be let alone moving house and I am in no financial or logistical position right now to do this. I work part time and there is no question the kids would live with me however my partner (ex in my mind although he won’t acknowledge this) could have as much access as he wanted, I would never stop him seeing his kids and they adore him, especially my eldest who is all for his Daddy right now, which is a whole other issue. I also know (pigheadedness aside), my partner wouldn’t want custody, he wouldn’t be able to work full time and he is self employed, he needs to keep his business afloat and it is already affected by the weather so there’s no way he would have his kids in the daytime week days. He also loves his social life and would not give this up which as much as I love a good night out and seeing my friends, my kids come first and always will. He could possibly suggest shared custody but knowing his working pattern and how often he goes out + the fact he struggles with two of them this wouldn’t work. I can just see him suggesting it as he wouldn’t want to pay me anything but he also couldn’t not work whereas I’m off 3 days a week. The trouble is my partner has been married before and has a daughter at 24 & had years of paying maintenance for her which he hated. He has said in the past there is no way he’s going to end up in that situation again giving money to the mum of his child/children. It’s as if he thinks it’s for me, it’s a pittance what I would get compared to the cost of raising them both and what that fully entails. He is known for being very tight with money anyway and hates the thought of having to pay to live somewhere on his own + give money for his kids! I work part time and would be in a much worse financial situation as a single parent but with help from tax credits could just about keep things afloat, for now anyway. Although how long I can keep working for with the stress this is causing I don’t know, I feel close to a break down some days when things are really bad. I have some great friends but they all have their own lives and families and right now I feel so negative and down that I don’t want to put myself on anyone coz I know how draining that can be.
I know in the long run that him moving out and seeing his kids a couple of nights a week and weekends or alternate would make us all far happier, save a lot of heart ache, and suit his lifestyle much more, but getting him to see this is impossible. I have tried everything to do things amicably and if we split and he moved out, I would want it that way for the sake of our children and ourselves but he said months ago that if this happens he will do everything to make my life hell. I’m not sure what he means but I know it’s not an empty threat. On top of this I am trying to deal with the fact that my mum is terminally ill and I am more than likely going to lose her this year which terrifies me. I’ve already lost my dear dad and the thought of having no parents in my 30’s in almost incomprehensible. My mum’s health is deteriorating and although my partner showed a brief spell of sympathy, he still wasn’t in any way shape or form ‘there’ for me recently when she got ill and was more bothered about what time I’d be home from the hospital so that he could go out to the pub!

My other issue is my 2.5 year old. I know he is picking up on the tension and the atmosphere. I think my partner thinks this is all just silly and that it doesn’t affect them at this age & they won’t remember etc but it 100% does & is, he just only sees things his way ever. My son is testing the boundaries which I know all children do regardless of their parents situation, but I don’t feel it’s helping. ATM all he wants is his Daddy. Again I know all children prefer one parent to the other and swing between the two back & forth in phases but right now it’s all for his Daddy and that would be a bit of a kick in the teeth even if we were happily in love but the fact that we almost hate each other is making it heartbreaking because my partner is playing on it and enjoying it and there’s nothing I can do. I would never badmouth him (my partner) to my children and I try not to show that it bothers me but it can be hard when it’s blatant and in front of us both. His Daddy has started asking questions like - who do you want to take you to bed mummy or daddy, knowing full well the answer will be Daddy. He then proceeds to take him with a big smile on his face and says something like - ok Daddy will take you. He is a great dad, I can’t fault him in that way. He loves his kids and I’m glad of that, I know that’s a good thing, but it hurts to feel like we’re in a competition for the love of our 1st born. My youngest is too young for any of this thank god and is all for me which is keeping me going. He cries if I’m not in the room and is very attached to me, although our eldest was once the same, maybe not quite as much but as a baby he definitely had more of a bond with me. My partner loves them both but definitely shows more affection and gives more attention to our older son, as they have more of a bond. I just feel like if my partner wised up and left, all this negativity and tension would eventually go away. I know it wouldn’t be easy at first, it never is, but he’s keeping us in a horrible miserable situation and we both deserve to be happy again and move on with our lives. He has had months to be able to find somewhere and has friends that rent houses out that would do him a cheap deal, it would be far easier for him to move than us. There is literally no sitting down and talking, he is not interested at all, if I try to talk about us or the situation he gets very loud and shouts, it doesn’t get us anywhere and he can become quite intimidating, although I don’t think he would physically hurt me, emotionally it’s taking it’s toll. There is no chance of mediation or anything that costs any money or involves him having to sit down & talk about things so I’m at a loss.
I just don’t know what to do. I know there is no magic answer I suppose I’m just wondering if anyone else has had trouble with their partner/ex leaving and what they did? X

[SandiKo]

How long have you been living as separated under the same roof? Have you actually met a meditator to invite him to mediation?
Sounds like you need to speak to women's aid and get proper legal advice from a solicitor too.
I was in a very similar situation to you (except we weren't married) and because he refused to leave and refused mediation, we had to go to a refuge.

[Jessy78]

I first told him in August last year, and then again in November but I’m in limbo to what our relationship status is. He knows I don’t want to be in it & my feelings have gone so he’s under no illusions yet we haven’t ‘officially’ split up either. No one knows except my friends I’ve confided in but family etc don’t know & tbh as much as I don’t want this or him, I think (as hard as this seems coz it’s already intolerable) if we were living together as officially broken up my life would be much much harder. Like I said it’s awful now but he would have no regard whatsoever. So currently we are still having to share a bed. We don’t go near each other at all & we go to bed at different time’s but for instance we’re quiet & keep the light out (so I suppose there is some respect left) as to not disturb the other, but if we were properly split up I can imagine from knowing him inside out that he would do horrible things like wake me up turning the light on & being loud, and he’d have no regard for our current childcare arrangements such as him picking our kids up from childcare when I’m at work etc & having them for an hour while I see my mum or run errands etc. As it currently stands we clearly don’t like each other but we do reluctantly do things that may make the others lives easier, that wouldn’t apply if we were living together officially as exes, but it isn’t because I haven’t told him how I feel, he is just choosing to ignore this. He also wouldn’t let me take the kids away, it’s like the house situation, everything is 50/50 so he sees it as his right to live with his kids (I’m not saying it isn’t) & his right to stay in his house etc...
The only way I would do that to our kids is if he was violent which he isn’t, and the way he treats me aside, he is to everyone else a nice decent bloke, it’s just me he’s turned on and become like this in front of because of years of resentment and arguing that’s built up. I know there is no way at all he would see a mediator, he isn’t interested in reaching an amicable resolution, he just isn’t interested full stop in splitting up or leaving but will happily keep us in this situation. I will look into getting some legal advice as that may be my only option. We’re not married either. We were engaged but I’ve removed my ring and he’s too proud and stubborn to say anything although I know he knows I have. Thank god we never got that far! Thanks for your advice.

[teaandakitkat]

Would you consider moving out with your kids? Honestly, they would be fine in a new place, especially if the atmosphere was different. You would all be so much happier. I know he should move out if you are going to be caring for the kids but it doesn't sound like he will so you need to consider something else.

[Jessy78]

I wish it was that easy but it’s not logistically or financially possible at the moment. Renting somewhere would cost far more than my mortgage which is on a good deal and he would then not sell the house to allow me any equity. I would have to take him to court which I don’t have the money, strength or time to do. I need all my energy for my kids and my mum. There’s also no way he would let my physically take the kids away, I’ve little chance right now but have more chance however small of him leaving but leaving them settled in their home than me leaving with them. As he’s never physically harmed me and would never harm our kids (he is a good dad to them), I don’t have the grounds to do anything or that’s how it feels. I think I need to speak to a solicitor or citizens advice maybe and see if they have any other take on it. Thanks for your reply.