Accepting it is over

[Ilovecrumpets]

Firstly apologies for starting another thread.

My husband recently told me he wanted to separate ( he had had an affair). We are waintjng until post Xmas to tell the kids. In the meantime he is sleeping in the attic.

I’m really struggling with truly understanding and accepting my marriage is over. My husband is doing this weird thing of being very friendly and chatty and acting like nothing has happened. I find it very difficult knowing how to respond to this and I think it is just adding to how unreal it all seems.

I will end up having to sell my house, buy somewhere much smaller, change childcare and most likely move my kids school - basically I am losing my life and my children are going to be devastated. In my head I understand this and at times and devastated - but still there is a small part of me that can’t beleive it is real and wishing something would magically happen to make it ok.

I really want that bit to go - I hate myself for thinking it when he has been so awful to me. How do you move to fully accepting everything is over and your life will change so fundamentally?

[MrsBertBibby]

Have you seen a solicitor about the financial outcome? It might help you see more of the options, and make it more real.

It can be tough getting an appointment this time of year, but if necessary get booked in for January. We can get pretty inundated after New Year!

[Dozer]

He is being like that because he wants to play happy families over xmas and pretend he’s a nice guy.

Get good legal advice, seek financial info, copy documents and don’t agree to anything about the future pending time to reflect (once he’s moved out) and legal advice.

IMO it’d be better to tell the DC asap: if you wait til Jan they will likely know something is off and will think that christmas was a lie.

[happygolulu]

Unsurprisingly you are finding things hard to accept. You must take a moment at a time and most importantly make sure to take care of yourself well so that you can deal with whatever you need to and be there for your children. Don't be tempted into a false security that things are going to be ok just because H is being nice. You need to protect yourself. You maybe need to make a list of things that you need to think about and address and start to tackle these a bit at a time, getting information, facts etc. I appreciate you still have to find the strength to give the children a nice Christmas which will be hard I know. But keep a strong head, keep focused and also make sure you really do take care of yourself. One moment at a time. You deserve to be happy 100%, nothing short of. So make sure that during this time, you spoil yourself in some way, do little things that will put a smile on your face. You are the best friend you will ever have and now is the time to really invest in yourself so you can be prepared for whatever the future holds. Take your time, take control, don't let yourself be forced into anything without your agreement. Slowly slowly you will begin to accept. Sending love.

[Ilovecrumpets]

Thanks mrsbert yes I saw a solicitor this week luckily. That is why I now know for definite my options are very limited ( he has spent 8 years not working and following his dream, I am the higher earner - savings spent on childcare whilst he was non working).

I think it is the fact that I have to change my life so completely - it’s like my brain can’t take it in. All that I have worked hard for for years is going and I am back to the beginning. I will have to move to a different area to be able to afford to buy anything. I can’t leave the city because he is here and my kids need a relationship with him so I am stuck somewhere where buying on my own is so difficult.

I could cope with the affair and my marriage ending I think - it’s just everything else that comes with it. It feels too much to cope with.

[Ilovecrumpets]

Thank you everyone.

My husband has been away with work but is back tonight - I think that is why I am having a low.

You are right about him wanting to seem the nice guy and play happy families ( and make me look unreasonable).

I hope it will feel a bit easier when he leaves - I am trying to work out if I can afford to cover the house bills etc to stay here for a bit. I feel like I need time but the finances are terrifying me.

He hasn’t thought of anything so I am having to work out practicalities. Sometimes I feel so frightened about my future I can’t breathe.

[happygolulu]

Try not to feel frightened. You can only put one foot in front of the other at a time. Hopefully things will be very gradual giving you time to get a plan together and be able to make choices. It won't be a case of here today gone tomorrow. And you are not alone. We all wish you well and will be willing you along in spirit.

[Dozer]

You can do it.

[Wintersnow17]

I'm in a similar position. I hate that he's had an affair and continues to see OW ( other words in my head to describe her too harsh for here!) but actually he is a self absorbed idiot - I see that now and it's not them that causes me worry and stress it is the fact that I've got to give up my lovely house and move to somewhere less salubrious it seems so unfair. Also he tries to be normal as if we can carry on in the same old way. So self decieving and typical head in the sand- I've told you so let's just be friends- they're all little boys- having cake and wanting more.
You are not alone. Situation is hideous. Big hug to you.

[Ilovecrumpets]

Thanks is everyone

winter - yes that is exactly my husband as well. Doesn’t even seem to think about the kids. I’ve also realised he is doing what he did in our marriage - when I tried to get him to engage with family life and prioritise is he always made out I was some kind of unreasonable/crazy person. It really made me doubt myself ( and justified his actions). It’s the same now - he is being so reasonable and I will be the crazy one if I’m not.

Hugs to you too.

[Bradybounce1]

winter & crumpets

I'm going through something similar.

The affair is also being minimised to me and has always been. I have gotten to the forgiveness stage and wish them both happiness.

I'm glad this was done to me now, as it would have always happened one day.

They think they aren't impacting the kids but I could describe countless examples of how they are.

Such a shame but my ex was always like this - I was silly enough to think - I could fix their issues.

[Wintersnow17]

Hi all how are you doing? I'm getting stronger all the time and hope you are too. Initially DH saying it was his fault now trying to justify his actions with what I've said or done.
What an idiot. He just makes himself look foolish and makes me despise him. If only he could be honest.

Any way hope you are all managing to have some joy over Chrustmas X

[Ilovecrumpets]

Hi winter hope you are having a lovely Christmas!

Similar here - at first seemed to have some remorse/guilt (not much!) but now being unpleasant and blaming and criticising me.
I also feel a bit stronger - just want him to move out now so can deal with the next stage. Also to tell the kids as hate pretending to them.

Hope you manage to enjoy the day - and here is to this time next year being better!

[Wintersnow17]

Hope all went well for you. I had a good day with family.
Here's to a better 2017

[Wintersnow17]

Arghh 2018!

[Ilovecrumpets]

That made me smile winter - a way of time travelling and having a better 2017 would have been good

I’m finding it hard at the moment - really mourning my relationship with him that I used to have. Wondering how we came from being so very happy to this.

I go with the DC to see my family tomorrow for a couple of days though so that should be good.

Here’s hoping 2018 is a better year!

[crimsonlake]

Be very careful here, although you say you have taken legal advice. He may want to separate, but if you are the high earner how on earth is he going to afford a place of his own? You may be expected to fund it, or he will be under the same roof as you for a very long time.

[Ilovecrumpets]

Thanks crimson

Yes ultimately we will have to sell the house and I will have to give him half my pension . At the moment I am just trying to buy myself some time as I won’t really be able to afford something in our current area but need some time to think about where to move ( as will affect the kids and school). Plus in 6 months mychidcare costs will reduce substantially so I would be able to get a higher mortgage.

Currently trying to work out if I can take over most of the outgoings so he can rent a one bed place and I can stay in the house for 6 months to a year. Means he will have to see the kids here and in a short while I may have to move out every other weekend. Far from ideal but I will find a way to deal with it. I just don’t want to rush into anything. If it doesn’t work out thoughnand I have to move sooner then I will just have to deal with that.

[Wintersnow17]

Hi all, ilovecrumpets- that mourning is awful isn't it? I hate him for what he's done but am grieving for what we had. It wasn't bad! That's why it seems so surreal. This time of year when you would normally be doing things together makes it worse. Hope you've had a good day everyone. X

[Ilovecrumpets]

Hi winter Hope you are doing OK.

Yes it is surreal! I hope it will start to feel less so once we have told the kids and he moves out. Although anticipating that will bring a further grieving. I wish I could fast forward a year! My dad died very suddenly and horribly late last year so I feel like I was just coming out of that grief and now have this. So very tired of being sad!

[Wintersnow17]

Yes - sad. Even when upbeat, having fun with friends and family, lurking close behind it all is the sadness ( anger, frustration etc as well) all just waiting to break through in those alone moments X You think you've cracked it and you're ok then whoomph , it all comes back again. Best to keep busy I think X hope all ok X

[Megthehen]

Hi crumpets - seems so unfair that you have to share your pension with him - one he wasnt able to accumulate for himself as he was "following his dream" - almost like you have subsidised his future potential earnings??

You sound remarkably restrained and understanding....especially if you are now being devalued and criticised. My cheating husband did this to me too - it's very common - google chumplady. He also said that our two DC would "get over it". I could have ripped his heart out at this point. The lack of kindness and caring is evil. I knew he was selfish but astounded at this. Any love I had for him shrivelled up and died at this point. Some people's advice is to get angry? You deserve better than this halfwit. Hoping you can find small moments of calm and peace.

[20thCenturyGirl]

Hello everyone, until last night I was in a similar position.
My DH announced about 3 months ago that he wanted a divorce. He remained in our home and was planning to leave today. During that time we acted like a normal family (though we are empty nesters). When I went to bed he joined me, he sat drinking wine with me and watching television and making love, shopping, going to friends, going out to dinner. He doesn't want to tell our grown-up kids until we are further along with the process.
He continually gave me signs that he was conflicted and confused. Last night I just snapped and threw him out.
I was sick of him telling me how considerate he was being making the situation so easy for me. I am absolutely heartbroken and so sad that anyone has to go through this.

[Megthehen]

You must have been going slightly crazy...tiptoeing around this prince. At least now he can tell whoever has caught his eye what a mean woman you are. Hope you are feeling some relief and normality. Take care.

[Ilovecrumpets]

meg thank you for your reply. Funnily my h also said the kids would ‘get over it’ ( actually what he has always said when he has let them down over the years, his other is ‘I have 18 years to be a parent’ as if this means what he does now doesn’t matter). It isn’t that I want him to stay for the DC but I would like him to acknowledge the impact on them.

I think I am relatively calm at the moment because I have spent the last few years waiting and believing he would change and prioritise his family ( I k ow writing it how silly that now sounds) and getting increasingly fly resentful/frustrated at his dismissing any concerns I had and just acting for himself. So, in a way, now I don’t expect anything from him I at least don’t have any hope and it isn’t the constant hurt and disappointment? I’m sure the anger will come at some point. I also feel I have wasted so many years waiting for him I don’t want to give him anymore.

We tell the D.C. this weekend and I have been away for a few days at my mums withthe kids ( she and my siblings live the other end of the country) and I’m dreading going back to my reality.

[Wintersnow17]

Hi all . It seems so common that they try to carry on as normal and totally dismiss the years you've had together in an instant. The years and effort put into the relationship are thrown away just like that. As you say 20thcenturygirl they try to show how considerate and reasonable they are to make out that you are the unreasonable one, they mess with your emotions and thoughts, but they wouldn't have had affairs or acted in the way they are doing if they really cared. They want to put on a public show for others as if what they've done has not caused utter devastation,they try to justify it. My Ex DH has said really hurtful things to try to justify what he's done despite originally saying it was his fault and just happened. As more people become aware of what has happened he's trying to cover what's he's done and come out as mr nice guy, it really makes me sick to think of him coming out of this Scott free and peope accepting him and the homewrecker when because of this I've got to move from the home and area I love. Sorry went off on a bit of a rant there but I've had a really nice Christmas with family and friends when I've put everything to one side and now reality has hit and the sorting out finances etc resumes.
Good luck with the future all and I wish you all a better and happier new year xx