How best to initiate separation just before Christmas?

[jeffinghell]

Hello all. It's been a long long time since I've been on mumsnet, but I've been reading the threads and you still sound like a sensible bunch to give me a sense check.

OK, me and H have been together for 17 years, married for 14, have DS nearly 10 and DD 8; moved to Australia 6 years ago, love it here. H works overseas (small island in the south Pacific) on a 3 week on, 3 week off roster. The work is boring, long hours, but extremely well paid. I work full time for a lot less money, but still good money.

Mine and H's relationship has been deteriorating for years if I'm honest, but nothing that bad until just before DD was born. Since then, H has had issues with drugs, a slightly odd sex toy addiction (no other way of describing it to be honest), gambling our house deposit on the FOREX markets (lost us £30,000 - two years worth of house deposit savings), an emotional affair (I assume it didn't get physical, but who knows), and a LOT of porn. I've always "taken him back" after discovering most of this shit, partly because we didn't have a choice (due to lack of money), but mainly because I believed his lies, especially the ones about how it was my fault.

Last week however, I noticed a hotel bill on the credit card. I'm guessing he assumed I'd forgotten the login details for that card; (I wanted to check that we hadn't been double billed for something as I'd received two invoices). So anyway, this hotel bill was for a night where he said he was visiting a friend, then said he was going to stay over with said friend. I thought nothing of it at the time, but looking back, his behaviour, cageyness over his phone, and overall niceness to me should have raised alarm bells.

So anyway (sorry, I'm a rambler) I discovered about the presumed infidelity just after he'd gone back overseas for work, and that's it, I've had enough, it's over, he just doesn't know it yet. He comes back from overseas on the 21st December, and will be going back in the middle of January. I will need to time our separation talk very carefully to not fuck everything up for the kids, but also to give him a moment to settle and recover from jet lag before I dump his arse. I also don't want to have to have any intimate contact, so it needs to be before Christmas or he's going to be (even more) impossible to live with.

I'm going to propose that we separate, but stay under one roof, I'll move into the spare room, and don't tell the kids until after Christmas. Because he's away so much, and because of our home situation (two kids, two dogs, one car, not enough money) I'm fairly optimistic that this will be bearable, at least for the first couple of months, then we can review. If I'm right, then he might already have someone he wants to move in with, but we'll see. I'm seeing a relationship counsellor by myself next week to get some professional advice, and I may have a chat with a lawyer friend of mine as well.

I would love to hear your advice on how to make sure this goes as smoothly as possible, and what roadblocks / banana peels to look out for.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

If there is any way in the world that you could separate but have him move out that would be infinitely better. It sounds so stressful to be separate yet living in the same house. What about if he's going on dates?

[SparklingSnowfall]

Sounds like you've really thought it through and made the right decision, I'd go with your plan, good luck.

[HelenUrth]

Good idea to see a relationship counsellor. I just wonder why you feel you should be the one to move into the spare room? Given his behaviour should he not be the one to be "demoted"? Being moved into the spare room would be a consequence of his own actions. I think you moving implies you're at fault in some way! But if you feel you moving is the best way to handle it then by all means do that.

[Zoomaa]

You seem very sensible and grounded.

My DP stayed under a roof with his ex for months during a horrid divorce. It was very stressful (kids didn't notice) but with your STBEXH working away I think it might work.

Good luck.

Just one question - would you stay in Aus?

[jeffinghell]

I'd much rather he move out, but he's stated many many many times that it would be over his dead body etc etc. I asked him to leave twice before, and he refused.

I won't leave Aus, and I doubt very much he would either.

As a side note, I've just found his Plenty of Fish profile, with a fairly recent photo, so I guess that confirms some of my suspicions. Turd.

[jeffinghell]

I'm guessing that the last thing I should do is raise the issue while he's away?

Like by sending him a screengrab of his PoF profile?

[cheesypastatonight]

You could make your own profile up, with someone else's picture and see what he says about himself and arrange a meeting? Then you could actually turn up!!!