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Split of time for older children (secondary school age) - what works well?

(7 Posts)
digitallyremastered Mon 04-Dec-17 13:42:46

Inspired by the other thread from a mum to little ones, what works well for people with older kids?

My dc is in secondary school. I work PT from home, Stbx works full time but could start to work at home a bit more. He also works away now and then - maybe four nights a month on average. In the past during the holidays he's said he'd take two days a week off but it ended up being one a fortnight typically.

In school hols I really don't think dc would be happy loafing around alone and likes us being around. After school a couple of nights a week dc could let themself in if dh is back later.

I have in mind 60:40 (split the weekend) but in reality am wondering how practical this is and how it could work?
Do you let the older dc decide for themselves? How much of a set routine is needed versus ad hoc 'oh you're working away so I'll have him tonight' type flexibility is possible especially given this can impact child maintenance?

OP’s posts: |
wobytide Mon 04-Dec-17 16:01:46

"especially given this can impact child maintenance?"

Are you interested in what works best for the kids or how much you get paid?

Once you get past that then it all comes down to how much of a routine or travelling will be needed between the two homes but if they are close by then I guess it's fairly simple. Has the child said anything about what they would prefer?

digitallyremastered Mon 04-Dec-17 16:26:47

No I'm more interested in the money. CLEARLY I'm more interested in dc, my point was merely that it does influence the settlement. Perhaps I chose my wording badly.

yes we intend to live close by to each other to make moving between the two homes. I think perhaps we need two versions of how this works - one for school holidays and one for term time. I'd like it to be all quite flexible e.g. if stbxh is away for work I could swap. That is what dc would/ will want I'm sure as they want to spend time with both of us.

OP’s posts: |
Secretsout Mon 04-Dec-17 19:03:30

My teens are 17 and 15 and im allowing mine to decide when they want to see Ex. He is a controlling abusive narc to us all so it's really up to them. I will be NC.

Starlight2345 Mon 04-Dec-17 19:08:54

How young though 15 and at secondary school is very different to 11.

At 15 I would give much more choice than 11.

Have you talked to Ex about how he can see it working.

digitallyremastered Tue 05-Dec-17 17:56:39

Yes agree quite different ages. I'm unsure whether two consecutive nights works better mid week ie. Mon/tues with one parent, then weds/thurs with other then split the weekends maybe.
We'll need to be flexible I think - it will be so much better for dc and generally for us. As long as dc doesn't favour set patterns.

OP’s posts: |
heidiwine Tue 05-Dec-17 22:40:44

Please try not to get hung up on precise proportions.
I suggest that you sit down as parents and work out together what would work best for your child. Forget everything else. As parents you are in a much better position to know that.
IMO while the ability for both parents to compromise and flex around the edges too much flexibility is not a good thing.
I also wouldn’t involve the child too much in the decision making - children don’t know what’s best for them but their parents should.
I think an ideal arrangement would include:
Overnights with both parents
Enough weekend/holiday time with both parents to do the non-work/school stuff
Some weekday time with both parents - including (where appropriate) school drop off/pick up
Enough time spent in both homes for it to feel as though there are two homes

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