Recent separation & feelings for another man.

[McBounty]

Hi everyone.

Kick my ass if I need it. I won't pull out the bottom lip, I promise.

I decided to end things with DH last week. We have been married 8 years, together 11 and have a 9 year old DS.

We got together when I was 15. He was 17.

I was absolutely miserable. DH was making me miserable. He was doing drugs, got violent once (all in recent months) and it got too much.

Earlier this year, I became a born again Christian. The community I have found is incredible. I have never felt so happy and at peace. I feel like I am finally finding myself.

Anyway, I have become friends with one of the guys at my church. He is 15 years older than me, so it was an unlikely friendship.

We have both started to develop feelings for each other. I had started to develop a little crush before my separation, but this wasn't the reason I separated with DH. However my feelings are now becoming stronger.

I asked this other man to give me some space as I wasn't sure if it was preventing me feeling what I needed to regarding my marriage breakdown. I feel ok. I don't want DH back and I want to move forward.

I miss speaking to this other guy a little. I really shouldn't message him should I? Haha! I need you all to tell me that it's a bad idea and to stop being silly.

Any help or advice surrounding my issue would be very much appreciated.

[MrsBertBibby]

One relationship at a time OP. You need to get out of your marriage first. If this guy is all that, he'll still be there is a year.

And if not, then I think you can write him off as an opportunist looking to capitalise on your current vulnerability.

[Goddamitt]

I'm coming from the other perspective here. I finally split with my husband after many unhappy years 18 months ago and immediately met someone and had a ridiculous love at first sight thunderbolt which I never believed in. He lived 200 miles away so we just talked on the phone for a few weeks. I tried to talk myself out of it, telling myself it probably wasn't what I thought it was and it was just me running to the first man I met after years of being unhappy. It didn't take long for me to decide I couldn't fight it anymore. 18 months on it's still what I thought it was. I'm so glad I listened to my heart.

Only you know if you're ready to move on though. My ex cheated pretty much constantly and it took me years to leave. I was ready to move on much quicker than I imagined. When I was trying to leave I never thought I'd ever want another relationship. The universe had other ideas though.

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

I think your son really needs your attention right now. A shitty dad, a divorce and a newly religious mother is a lot for a kid to take in. Keep this guy as a friend but hold off on a relationship for a while. That's also for your benefit.

[Goddamitt]

my children didn't meet my new partner for 8 months and even then it was in a group of friends as a friend of a friend. When he started spending time with just us it was very gradual and still as a friend. I've never actually felt the need to tell them specifically that he's my boyfriend, they obviously know 18 months on but it wasn't a big thing.

I didn't see him often at first. My children are with me all the time apart from every other weekend, so it was just when they were with their Dad.

Sorry if that sounds defensive. I worked very hard to do things slowly and judge when the children were ready.

I completely disagree with jumping in quickly and bringing another man into children's lives as a new partner too soon. I've seen people have them move in after a week and it's all peachy for a couple of months then they get to know each other and it all goes tits up. But it is possible to get to know someone slowly and privately and let things develop naturally and at a pace you're comfortable with. My boyfriend lived 200 miles away for the first 8 months so our relationship developed over phone and message and seeing each other every 2-3 weeks until he moved down here. Even then he rented a flat which he still lives in after almost a year. Although he stays here now and will probably move in next year.

I don't know you or your emotional health, it might be a terrible idea for you. I don't know. I know what I did was right for me though and I'm glad I did what I did.