Divorce and access

[Littlesticklebrick]

Hi, I'm probably going to drone on so many apologies!!
Firstly I have a 4 1/2 year old.
My husbands announced in September he no longer wanted to be with me and wanted to 'live his life how he wanted to live it'. To set the scene in childcare before this, I did all of the childcare. He's a good daddy but at what I'd call the nice parts. He could never commit to when he'd be home from work and we had to fit around him at the weekends.
Anyway I buried my head to what he said until November. I then spoke to a close friend who said I needed to go to the solicitors. He continued living with us until April this year. It was so very, very hard as he continued exactly as he wanted and this messed with me. I then found he was going on a few dates, by this time I was a mess and I told him to leave, he's now at his mums.
We are going through a lengthy divorce and it's taking a long time to sort financials. My almost 'ex' has been earning quite a lot of money over the last 4 years to which he didn't share. It's not about money but my 'ex' will soon receive a letter saying things financially are going to court. This I'm dreading as he really won't be happy.
That's set the scene, kind of! So he's at his mothers house. He has bought a house which I'm not supposed to know about but I do. I imagine for financial hiding he hasn't moved into it.
So when my little boy was at nursery my ex came round to what is still 'our' house tues &thurs eve, to do bedtime although my little one still wanted me around. He also did a Saturday or Sunday.
Now my little one is at FT school. So my near 'ex' has miraculously committed himself to doing school drop off and pick up mon- weds. So at the moment as he doesn't live in his own house and I work mon-weds he comes here at 7.30 each morning and I leave for work. I then get home for about 5. My near 'ex' has said he wants to do 2 bedtimes on top of this. I didn't like the idea but I've said yes.
I want to make that 2 of the days he's already with my little boy? Then we are still doing a sat/ sun until he has a home.
Also he's said he's going to get 50/50 access which makes me so emotional as I'd feel like I'd had my right arm cut off. My view, not that I've shared it is that my little boy is better at the same house during the school week for stability.
So what is fair access for when we have our own individual homes. I know the every other weekend business. I am v unsure of what to say for the week.
Even when he's supposed to stay later with my little boy he tends to go early.
Basically he dictates and I want to be assertive in things now

[GreenTulips]

What do you want?
You do get a choice and opinion even if the courts decide differently

He could do pick ups stay for tea and be dropped back and then one night either Friday or Saturday

How come he can suddenly do pick ups?

[Littlesticklebrick]

Thank you for your reply.
The fact he can do drop offs and pick ups has actually spun me out, such a difference. He works for himself so can do what he likes. He said that some of the days he may not be able to do on occasions. I asked him to let me know if he can about those days to which he said it's got nothing to do with me and he'll sort. I feel like the one thing I had control of has now gone!
I would like him to have the little one until 5 2 nights and then do tea the other night. I know weekends will have to be alternate but would I have to say 1 or 2 nights?
It's silly but I want to try to sort now before my ex gets his letter about court proceedings with finances

[GreenTulips]

Your choice is either 1 night every week or 2 nights every other week

That's fair - courts will be looking st fair

But - you need to be careful - the main parent has the child 4 nights of the week so suggest watch he doesn't want 4 nights pickups turning into 4 sleepovers which is the pattern emerging here 'much easier if he sleeps as indoong drop off - if it's 50:50 he won't have to pay maintenance. He may decided on Cubs or Karate on those evenings

Apart from that you need to think about

Christmas
Holidays
What your child will need for school
Residential
Shoes
Uniforms
Who buys clothes
Books
Extra curricular activities
Childcare in the holidays etc


Yes if has your child on a Monday pick up its for him to arrange childcare on those days - same as you'd have too on your days

Your need to speak to your solicitor about the finer details - if you're seen as unreasonable you won't get what you want

[Littlesticklebrick]

I don't want to look as unreasonable at all and I certainly want to be fair to my little one. Much as it's so hard I just want to know what is reasonable
I did think every other weekend for 2 nights. Then I thought he could do until bath/ bed 1 night in week. Maybe I should make it 2 nights? Then the other night he has until 5 anyway.
I'm cringing at myself for droning on.

My solicitor has already listed all the financials on my side.

[Littlesticklebrick]

As much as I'd like longer, holidays will have to be 50/50 won't they to be fair?

[fusspot66]

Watch him OP
He's up to no good re the 50:50 residency