Plea for courage and children advice

[NewBee3]

I'm on the verge of telling my DH I want a divorce and I'm just feeling horrendous. I'm sure it's the right decision long-term, but I feel totally overwhelmed by the shitstorm I'd unleash if I went through with this. We have 2 young DC who would have their lives tipped upside down, we'd have to sell the house, my ageing parents would be devastated, etc etc. I'm sure it's the usual dilemma many of you have faced but I feel SO guilty and selfish. Any advice on how I can cope, practically and emotionally? I'm sleeping terribly, crying a lot. I've started the practical planning for life after but it seems terribly complicated with paperwork and finances in particular. Also any hopeful stories about children or advice on how to look after them? I feel frozen with horror but inaction isn't an option, our current home life is grim. And I just can't pick up the pieces again, I've spent too many years trying to sort things out without success, including couples counselling. Thanks in advance...

[NewBee3]

Anyone out there?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Sorry you're having such a hard time

Have you talked about splitting up/divorce or will it be a surprise? Have you spoken to a lawyer and/or looked into the practicalities of starting the divorce process?

I can't help with how to deal with the children as I didn't have any when I got divorced but on a philosophical level, they'll know things aren't right if it's been difficult for a long time and in the long run they'll have beer lives if their parents are happy. The younger they are the more resilient they will be as well, which is a good thing. There are loads of books out there now on how to tell them you're splitting up and ways to handle questions they have. Have a look on amazon for recommendations.

Filing for divorce is very easy and you can do it yourself. All the forms are on the gov website. If you have assets or debts and childcare arrangements to sort out you'll need legal advice as well and will probably have to do mediation (unless there's been domestic abuse in which case mediation is a bad idea).

If it's feeling overwhelming start with making lists. What do you need to do, what can you do now, what can you put off for a bit. Do you have copies of bank statements, do you know about pensions he has, do you have the children's birth certificates and any passports. It's just good to be organised and have your hands on as much information as possible.

Look for recommendations for a local solicitor. You can search for one on the resolution website which will give you somewhere to start.

If you need to end it then that's what has to happen. However much you're dreading it and however hard to seems, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Be methodical, prepare for a new life. Lean on the people around you if you can. Seek legal advice. Keep lists and copies of paperwork. It'll be okay!

[NewBee3]

Thank you, that's very kind and most helpful. I just spoke to the Citizens Advice Bureau and they are setting up an appt for me to discuss my rights regarding the house and finances, so that should help me get my head around some of the implications. And they're directing me to mediation services too. I've also bought a new file for my financial docs, new stationery always helps in a crisis...

I still feel grim but you're right that there does seem to be a faint light at the end of the tunnel, even at this stage. It would be worth a lot to not have the feeling of dread as he comes through the door each evening. Thanks again.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

You're very welcome and I'm so sorry you're having such a horrible time of it. You sound really well organised and taking the right steps with citizens advice, mediation and working out what the future looks like with housing. You might qualify for benefits which will help.

There's loads of help on here and so many useful resources online these days. Reach out to people for the help you need. It might get worse before it gets better but keep your eye on the brighter days ahead! Your children will be fine. They need a happy mum.

[thistoosha11pass]

I was in your position for ages, frozen with fear. Then I made the first step, then the next, and carried on. It was terrifying but I feel so much better. My soon to be ex is still living here but we are kind of on the same page at last. There is still some nastiness but we are managing to share a space without too much drama now. When we told the kids, they guessed! And so far they are coping well. However they don't have to move house so that helps.

I suppose what I am trying to say is, if you are sure and it's over , just start, start somewhere, a small step then the next. Keep in mind you are moving towards a new life, for all of you. It won't be easy but it's a whole lot easier than the misery of a lonely dead marriage. Good luck

[CaptainM]

Just echoing what others have said - take it one step at a time. I'm a year into divorce proceedings, and we have two DCs too - a 4 year old, and a 6 year old. Of course, they've been impacted, particularly as it's been a messy one...but I don't regret ending my marriage. Children know when things are not right, and more importantly, I firmly believe we're their strongest role models for what to expect and give in a relationship. It's important for me that they not only try their best but that they also know how to set boundaries, ask for what they deserve and insist on selfcare. I'll say that the main reason I have no regrets is that I firmly believe I gave it my all - counselling, was explicit about what I needed in a partnership, how I was feeling, then mediation etc. My advice to you at this stage is to get some support - perhaps coaching to help you start to build your vision of what you would want your life as a single mum to be. As much as we hear about how tough it is, is also incredibly rewarding. Stbxh picked them up this evening and I am so excited about my lie-in, Netflix weekend etc! I have also reconnected with friends, go out for dinner with friends that I have not had time to see before, weekends away, books that I've missed etc. It really has been a journey of self discovery, and my DCs have shown me just how resilient and adaptable children can be! There are lots of lessons for them here too, and though we have less time together, the quality of our precious time together is tons better! I was exhausted in our marriage and I believe having time to take care of myself actually makes me a better mother. No two experiences are the same. Try to stay out of courts, if you can but also be prepared, regardless of how amicable things seem at the start. Good luck. Know you'll be fine and lean in to MN and whatever support network you have. ...xx

[SnugglyBedSocks]

Just starting this journey myself after husband ended it when I confronted him about another woman.

Solicitor told me that I don't have the automatic right to stay in the house till the boy's are 18yrs. I have to prove I can afford to.

Decide on what you are divorcing for - i.e 2 or 5yr seperation or unreasonable behaviour. This will then decide the next step. Or your DH could divorce you for unreasonable behaviour to speed up the process.

It doesn't matter how you're getting divorced as gone are the days when you could take everything as you had the children or they had committed adultery. The court's aren't interested in the reasons.

Everything is assumed to be split 50/50 at first but the solicitors will negotiate once Form E is submitted. This is where I am currently.

[iammargesimpson]

Hi op, no advice to give but I am at the same stage as you, dreading telling him as I have no idea how he will react but I know deep down its the right thing to do. I am gutted for my dc as my parents separated when I was young but I'm determined to handle things better than they did. Good advice from pp re taking it one step at a time, I'm going to the citizens info centre tomorrow to get info so I can start seeing how this will work out practically. Best of luck to you op, hope it goes smoothly for us all

[NewBee3]

Thank you to all of you, I really really appreciate all of this support and advice. It is just horrible carrying this weight of worry around with me. And I feel worse because DH is panicking and has been a model husband and father in the past few weeks, he even just asked me out on a date night for the first time in forever. I'm just trying to focus on the long-term and that I'm sure this is the best decision for all 4 of us including our 2 lovely DC. And getting myself organised. It seems as though mediation nearby is all carried out by law firms, so do I need a separate solicitor for myself as well? Thank you for the positive vision of the future, CaptainM! And good luck to everyone in a similar position