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Help for dealing with deadbeat X

(12 Posts)
morewhine Sat 25-Feb-17 11:36:10

How do you help your child deal with perpetual disappointment of the deadbeat X (father in this case) who fails to turn up on time for custody visits and when child is in his custody on Saturday fails to take him to his designated activities eg swimming and tennis etc? During half term, X told our DS of 7Y at 8am that he would collect DS at 5:00pm from his drama school at the opposite end of London from home. At 5:30pm the drama school phoned me at work to say DS had been sitting there for 30 minutes. When I called X to ask what had happened? He said "It's not my job!" X had changed his mind, didn't inform anybody and doesn't give a F about anybody but care about himself. X is on a 6 figure salary in the NHS and pays zero for DS and won't take him on holidays or expend any effort parenting him on a day out. DS is very affected by the acrimonious divorce and pretending daddy is lovely doesn't cut the mustard when he can't be arsed to collect you when he doesn't feel like it. My lawyer said there's nothing legally I can do apart from pursuing a 10k claim that he's an unfit parent.

rightsofwomen Sat 25-Feb-17 16:13:44

Why 10k?

rightsofwomen Sat 25-Feb-17 16:14:16

Do you have a contact order? Is he breaching it?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sat 25-Feb-17 16:17:11

Flogging a dead horse springs to mind. . . Put all your efforts into being a fab parent to compensate for his df being a useless fucker. One stable parent is better than a stressed one pissing in the wind imo.

morewhine Sat 25-Feb-17 18:53:32

Rights my solicitor said it would cost 10k once the legal merrygoround starts. I don't have a contact order.

Wish, thanks for the advice. I know you arr right.

EnormousTiger Sat 25-Feb-17 19:26:22

I have had to accept my ex never has the children ever and pay for care accordingly or take them. These men who don't do their bit are utterly sily and very unfair to their children never mind their ex spouse.

There seems to be a right to a parent to apply to court to see a child but no right for a child to force a parent do spend any time with it even 1 hour a year.

morewhine Sat 25-Feb-17 22:07:46

Enormous my DS said tonight he doesn't want to see his dad and the only reason DS didn't want me to look after him on Saturday afternoon is becayse I'm tired from working FT all week. Bless his soul!

Has anybody had a deadbeat X go to court to secure access then not do anything with the child but plonk them in front of a TV?

EnormousTiger Sun 26-Feb-17 12:06:33

I'm sure that's very common. Some men use the court system as a power mechanism. In fact some want the children 100% of the time or not at all and all kind of weird things or they fight hard to get a lot of contact and then never turn up. It's ridiculous. All I can comfort myself with is that given I pay everything, he pays nothing and I have the children 365 days a year (their father sometimes takes 2 of them to a lunch but that's it_) at least I have the simplicity of no fights over money or contact.... and now my youngest are teenagers it's dead anyway even if expensive.

What I will never understand is how women can date men like this and indeed marry them. Why does my ex's second wife (who is very nice by the way) not think it is weird? I have not had second dates with men who have disclosed they don't see their children from choice or show off about how they avoid paying for them! One who worked as an accountant for the private office of a shipping family spent the dinner telling me all about how he hid his money off shore. Why would that make me like him?

donners312 Sun 26-Feb-17 13:49:39

My ex was exactly the same.

I tried for over a year to sort out contact but you are just wasting your time.

Just ignore him and any attempts he makes to contact you. block him on everything.

If he is that bothered to see his son let him pay and take you to court. He won't!!!

Good luck and just focus on your lovely boy.

Hermonie2016 Sun 26-Feb-17 16:34:11

Can you claim child maintenance through CMS?

morewhine Sun 26-Feb-17 18:39:51

Thank you Enormous and Donners for excellent advice.

kittybiscuits Tue 28-Feb-17 22:26:17

If your ex has a six figure NHS salary it should be very straightforward for CMS to secure regular maintenance payments from him. If there is no contact order, you are under no obligation to make your DS available for contact. You need to carefully log all issues with screenshots and emails which evidence your documentation. All arrangements, if any are made, should be made by email.

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