Woman's Perspective Needed Desperately On My Marriage

[user1466809602]

Hi Everyone.

Forgive me if this rambles and jumps all over not in a great place at the moment. Been married 15 years and have 2 great kids. Love my wife to bits and that is the problem, i need someone neutral to get their opinion as i do recognise I may not be thinking logically in considering leaving her.

Started having problems 3 years ago and trying to just stick with it but last week it just hit a new low. I was sitting close to my wife at a school event and i accidentally noticed she had messages from guy called Rob. I asked he who he was and after what felt to me like an hour long pause i was told 'just a guy i know'. I just felt totally sick, and after 5 mins of just hyperventilating in the end had to get out of there so made my excuses and quietly left the room. I didn't ask to see the messages or anything like that but maybe i should have.

I then just broke down later that night with her and said that from a point in the past where she admitting letting another guy feel her breasts on a night out to see who had the bigger ones between her and her friend i have just been struggling to cope with it all, just trying to smile, carry on and not bring it and other incidents i know of up in case she thinks i am always throwing it back at her. I dont want to be that sort of guy but its so damn hard keeping it all in your head and smiling on the outside.

She had a number of really wasted nights last year coming in being sick that i had to clean up at 4am and i am terrified what might have happened whilst she was out. She also got really drunk and was nasty to me over Christmas which is the only time i really get off work and that still hurts too. She said she did have a time with an old set of friends she described as 'toxic' and she is so glad she is out of it and recognises she hurt people in that time.

We dont have any real love life anymore either despite me begging and trying my hardest to make her feel special but its still dead. Making love to her was the best thing in the world bar none and to have lost that leaves another gap in my life. It wasnt just a 'shag' it was so much more. Its not like i want anyone else i want her. The worst thing is she looks more beautiful now than she ever did but i have put on 2 stone so maybe thats me who needs to sort myself out in that area.

She promises nothing has gone on at all and nothing will but my trust is just not there, before this time i would have trusted her 100% no problem.

When i ask her about it all the main problem she says is my work. yes i do have a very demanding job and she is right i dont get that much time off with her or the kids but i am sure other couples have to work hard to keep things afloat too and dont get that much time together.

I feel i cant be with her because of everything but hell i cant live without her or the kids! Am i being a bit of an male idiot? Should i just get on with it and stop moaning? Be more supportive to help her stop drinking? They say time heals but for me its a daily/hourly struggle for years now. If i left her then i know it will be a million times worse. She also mentioned me going to counselling but i cant imagine talking to someone i dont know face to face and explaining it all - maybe on here is a better idea.

Please be honest! Sorry again if its all mixed up.

Stuart

[Hotwaterbottle1]

I'm really sorry but I think she has checked out. She sounds like me. I went through a phase of drinking a lot, going out. I wasn't cheating though.

I would ask her exactly who Rob is & to see the messages. If they have been deleted you have your answer.

Why does she feel you need counselling?

I'd also ask mn to move this to "relationships", more traffic there.

[SandyY2K]

Go to counselling, as it will help you gain some clarity on your situation. Do you have access to your wife's phone?

Why can't you work less and spend more time together as a family? If she's doing all the child related stuff she'll quickly become resentful from what you say that's already happened.

Looks like she's having an emotional affair at a minimum, but from her allowing another man to feel her boobs, she's a bit of a flirt and a high cheat risk.