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Is abusive Ex about to break the Law/flout Court Order?

(6 Posts)
SafetyStirrups Wed 29-Jul-15 21:41:27

(Under Scottish Law for clarification)

Abusive and manipulative STBXH is planning to take our DC on holiday (never managed to arrange so much as a day trip by himself during the long marriage but that's by the by). We only communicate by email as I am NC with him. I only found out about the holiday and the location through DCs. Ex himself has not made me aware of any details.

We have been separated for over a year in which time he has changed jobs to work abroad for weeks on end. I therefore have our DC for the majority of the time so I'm not opposed to a holiday for them and a break for me per se.

Ex sought a Court order for fixed contact (prior to this contact was at his request and 99 times out of 100 I would facilitate this - only said no if it clashed with already arranged plans for DCs, Birthday Parties, clubs they attended etc.) Contact is now the standard EOW and one midweek after school when he is in this country and is far less than he had before. This order was sought to suit him, and his family, not DCs.

Ex was sexually abused as a child by a close relative. While Ex denied this in Court, the Judge thankfully saw fit to rule that our DC were to have no contact with this relative. The relative lives in England, a driving journey of over six hours so to date this no contact has either been explained away by Ex or avoided due to his being abroad much of the time.

The location of holiday is approximately a one hour drive from abusive relative.

My concerns are that Ex will allow contact between his relative and our DCs. He will plead ignorance if challenged about this by me. I have not given 'permission' for him to take our DCs to another (legally speaking) country as he has not informed me personally of the location or even dates thus making it harder for me to raise my concerns or object.

Is the current Court Order even enforceable in England? What can I do to ensure that our DCs are safe?

I no longer have any Legal representation as Ex has run through all my funds with innumerable petty letters from his Lawyer and Court Hearings.

Any advice or guidance gratefully received.

Newbrummie Thu 30-Jul-15 19:46:47

I wouldnt let him take them if there's even a slight chance of contact, let him take you to court if he wants to snd them you can see what a judge makes of the situation.

SafetyStirrups Fri 31-Jul-15 10:32:31

Newbrumie Thank you for your reply, it's appreciated.

Of course he's going to allow contact, or at the very least this holiday is designed to provoke a response from me (I'm strictly no contact except by email with him).

I'm torn between my concerns and DCs who are excited about their 'holiday' - the concerns take priority of course, but will leave DC disappointed and blaming me. Usual win-win situation for my Ex.

Thank you again for replying - feeling alone and sad watching the DCs being manipulated.

Newbrummie Fri 31-Jul-15 14:58:53

What keeps me going is knowing the kids will get it when they are older, what they won't forgive is if I let them get abused knowing I could have stopped it if that makes sense

SafetyStirrups Fri 31-Jul-15 18:55:23

Newbrunnie It makes perfect sense. I know that day is coming, a long way in the future but it will come.

Even if the chance of actual physical harm is low, there is a very high risk of emotional abuse and manipulation from this relative - neither is acceptable to me. With Ex playing 'happy families' and using our Dcs to project a normality that doesn't actually exist.

I'm still none the wiser though regarding the legal situation and have to tread carefully as Ex is litigious (has endless means for this) over the smallest thing.

Oh, and another thing. Rather than discuss and plan holiday with DCs i.e. where they might like to go, do etc. Ex presented it to them as a fait accompli - all booked before they knew they were even having a holiday. This means it was entirely his choice, and provocative in respect of the current Court order.

Thank you again for your reply.

SafetyStirrups Sat 01-Aug-15 22:29:41

I emailed Ex about my concerns re: holiday location. His reply?

'I only want me and (the Dcs) to have a few days away without being made to feel bad about it. I thought they would enjoy it and if there was one closer I would have gone there instead. I intend to spend time with them at (the resort) with me on my own'.

Note his use of 'intend'...that's his get out clause should his relative accidentally, on purpose, just turn up out of the blue, while they are on holiday. Never his fault.

And as for 'being made to feel bad' comment - his usual classic denial, minimisation, rationalisation, diversion, and playing the victim role. Twunt level: Expert.

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