Heading for Separation

[aldomodo]

Hi all. I'm pretty sure I want to finally make the break (although surely it's normal to still have doubts.)OH doesn't want to split. I know he will be more isolated when this happens as he doesn't make friends easily, but I don't want to be with him anymore. One child has already flown the coop and the other is 16 and I think could cope with the change. I've spoken to OH re wanting to split, but I don't think he's taking me seriously (due to me saying this many times over the years then relenting). I presented him with some options: I'll move out into a rented flat right now, I'll stay till we sell the house, or we go for counselling and he wants to go for counselling. Wondering if I should scope out a lawyer just now.

[sourdrawers]

I'm sorry to hear about what you're both going through. No easy answers here of course. I know 2 women who broke it off and regretted not giving counselling a go, especially if he's willing. But if you really don't want to be with him - no amount of talking things out will alter that. Do you? Is there just no attraction at all?

[aldomodo]

Attraction, as in sexual? Definitely not. Probably doesn't help that I'm menopausal. I've been threatening to leave for years due to incidents of bad behaviour on his part. I feel guilty and sorry for him, as I think he'll find it much harder to be alone than I will. But that's not a good reason to stay is it? I'm currently putting feelers out for counselling - have contacted my employer subscribed counselling service but its going to take a month just to get an initial consult. Does anyone have any idea how much rleationship Scotland or Relate charge hourly for their services?

[sourdrawers]

In that case I'd get a solicitor on board soon but give the counselling a try is my advice. Sorry for the blandness of this post!

[aldomodo]

I guess sound advice doesn't have to be entertaining!

[conway]

I am in a similar situation and have been unhappy for many years and also threatened divorce a few times. We did have counselling about a year ago and it did help a little. However a year on I still want a divorce and have started divorce proceedings. My hubbie is still in denial so it is a battle. I still have counselling on my own. It might be worth you trying counselling but it may not help.

[aldomodo]

Thanks Conway. I've made an appointment for an initial consultation with a lawyer next week. Haven't told OH. Counselling also pending. I feel very guilty. He doesn'tt want change and im feeling that if I start to progress anything ill be the bad guy.

[Cristina27022008]

Hi All,

I am so glad that I found this website it is so helpful. I just started divorce petition, I want to do all the paper works myself and have a lawyer to do just the financial issues, as I do not have much money. I live in Wimbledon and I work in the city. I would appreciate if I could meet up with some one whom went through the divorce to talk. I am so lost and scared. As I know for sure my husband will not be honest in his financial disclosure. As he always been hidden everything relative to his finances.

I am looking forward to hear from any one.

Kind Regards,

[TuppenceLister]

I have been reading up on these relationship threads for moral support.
I now feel brave enough to share-
After many years I am ready to leave and am looking at houses, I have told him I want to move out- 4 days ago and he is now being model husband.
I have been here before but never got beyond saying it. I have been defeated by the logistics.
I am now working full time DD is 12 at HS and Ds is 10. I can do this! I think!

It is hard when he is being so nice- it is a low-grade situation of neglect, passive-aggressive behaviour and no emotional or loving support. Everyone thinks he is a nice guy- but I get the grunt end- and have done for years.

I know he is never going to change. He is promising this now but I still feel I have to move out to be sure. We are having counselling- next Monday will be the second visit. In counselling I am not able to really say how I feel because he always argues with me and makes it my fault-' I am emotionally needy and immature' his words.

I am hoping for success stories and support- I feel isolated and more scared than ever before...but we have to do this don't we? ( addressed to all those currently in this situation)

Aldomodo I am just concentrating on getting out and renting and leaving the divorce discussion until I am stronger!

[Sandybeach2]

Hi, I have been reading these threads as I am so unhappy but needing the reassurance that other people have gone through this, and come out ok the the side. My husband is emotionally abusive, mood changes, controlling, lies about financial issues, and generally lacking in any emotional awareness. I am aware that I am not a saint, but I walk on egg shells in attempting to prevent a change in mood that affects us all for days. Husband is " friends "with 19 yr old DD and 17 yr old DS who has Aspergers and adores the ground my husband walks on. I want to leave but I am scared of the impact on my loving children , as well as the financial cost. I sometimes look at him and think life would be so much easier if he were not around. That frightens me. I'm not sure what I am asking or looking for, just can't bear to think this Will continue to be my life, due to my fear and insecurity

[STIDW]

Even if a relationship cannot be salvaged relationship counselling can help keep communication open so that couples can separate and divorce with the least acrimony. Usually one party is emotionally further along and if the other party is given time to readjust to the emotional realties of divorce constructive progress can be made more quickly.

It's a good idea to see a family solicitor early on to find out where you stand and what options there are in your particular circumstances. If you move out before a financial settlement is reached you may be disadvantaged because living in two homes is more expensive than one, it can be difficult to move back in again and the party sitting comfortably in the former matrimonial home may lack any incentive to reach a settlement.

Starting negotiations from a fixed position can be problematic because as the negotiation advances, the party's become more and more committed to their positions, continually restating and defending them. That makes it more difficult to reach any agreement. Any agreement that is reached will only reflect splitting the difference between final positions which will most likely leave both parties feeling dissatisfied.

On the other hand if you start negotiation or mediation identifying each others interests and aspirations it is possible to find a solution that works for everyone. For example two children wanting a whole orange would be disappointed when an adult moderator cuts the orange and gives them an equal share each if one wanted to eat the flesh of the fruit and the other wanted the peel to bake a cake. Had the adult had taken time to find out their interests the children could both have both gotten all of what they wanted, rather than just half.

Because counselling assists with positive communication you are in a position to understand where the other party is coming from, what their interests and aspirations are so there is more chance of finding a win-win solution. Experience show that couples are more satisfied with arrangements agreed between themselves or with the help of a solicitor or maintenance. Generally mediation is quicker, cheaper and less damaging to long term family relationships than emotions becoming overheated and one or other party starting court proceedings.

[Sandybeach2]

Dear STIDW, thank you for you thoughtful and constructive post. I had not even thought of mediation, anticipating a hostile and aggressive response, once I voiced wanting to separate. I know my husband well enough to know he will want to crush me, and I am slightly fearful of that. The two areas that worry me the most are our children's reaction and subsequent feelings towards me, particularly my son, as it will be made clear it is me wanting to break up the family. I am also so very worried about money. I am 53 year old part time worker.I am not concerned at going into full time work, but of the bottom line of having enough to put a roof over our heads and food on the table. I am also aware that the children would not want to leave our home, as it's been their home since they were born. I have turned a blind eye to so many different things over the years, but feel I am surrendering my soul if I do not stand up to him. I am also beginning to hate him. I will begin this long process by seeking legal,advice and taking it from there. Thank you for your calm words.

[FlowerFairy2014]

Sandy, you may be able to keep the home to house the children particularly if as you say you go back to full time work. I was particularly glad to be able to keep ours (with a new large mortgage). in our case the children wanted me to divorce their father so that was easier than for many women and for those thinking about divorce in our case it was absolutely wonderful - every day is Christmas now we are free of him. Much better than I thought.

If you can reach agreement which we did without court hearings that can work well too but not everyone's spouse is prepared to do that. Conceding things on both sides and compromise tends to bring about quicker solutions.

[Sandybeach2]

Dear FlowerFairy,thankyou for your post. Your comment that every day is like Christmas is how I think I will feel once I am free of him. I know I will not be able to afford to keep the house even with full time work, but I'm okay with that, I just want enough to make our ( me and the children) new place, feel like home. My husband is on a good salary but works from home, so I know he won't give it up. However, I will fight for what I am entitled to, as much for the children as for me. I wish I could fast forward 1 year and see where we are, but maybe the process will also strengthen me in a weird sort of way! I'm scared but probably more scared of staying and knowing this is it. I think my husband is also very unhappy but just ignores the situation.

[CalicoBlue]

My ex and I did mediation and it was brilliant. He was very controlling and stubborn, the mediator was excellent. She could see when he was bullying me and would manage the meetings very well. This was 7 years ago and many of the agreements we made with regard to the children are still in place now.

[Sandybeach2]

Thankyou CalicoBlue, where do you find mediation? Is this part of the divorce proceedings, or is it a private arrangement?

[FlowerFairy2014]

You e to pay for mediation if instead as we did you can each agree what is to be paid etc you don't need to bother with mediation and the cost of it. Also the mediator does not impose a solution so unless you are both willing it may not work. I do think it works very well for many however if they want to throw money away rather than just reach agreements between the couple. Cheaper than going to court IF you reach an agreement.

[CalicoBlue]

Yes, you do have to pay, worth every penny as far as my situation was concerned.

This is who I went to, www.midmediation.org.uk/ they were suggested by my solicitor.

They will also see the children too if needed.

If they are not near you, ask your solicitor who they recommend.

[Sandybeach2]

Dear FowerFairy and CalicoBlue, thankyou for your advice and information. I am going to see a Solicitor and start putting things in place, ie finances and information gathering regarding pensions etc. my husband will not disclose finances and actually lies about bonuses and actual salary. Everything is kept on his laptop and password protected. I now feel more calm and having a plan makes me feel a little more in control. Thanks againfor your support.

[Handprint1]

Hi! I'm in a relationship that I don't want to be in and have felt this way for a few years. We now have a 2 year old and my husband says everything is my fault. I feel totally alone and know I wld be so much happier with just me and my daughter. Sadly I cannot financially support myself and her and my credit rating isn't great due to my husbands actions. I feel trapped and miserable and don't know who or where to turn to.

[FlowerFairy2014]

Hand, you can definitely leave. Even if your husband never pays a penny the state will support. I don't think money should ever be a reason to stay in a bad relationship. The only thing that would have made me stay would have been if I would have lost the children had I left.

Sandy, doesn't his employer give him a paper P60 each year you could see? Most do. we had only joint accounts and I did our tax returns we each knew 100% about the finances of the other which I suppose it easier to settle the finances without mediation or court hearings. Not everyone has that advantage.

[Handprint1]

Thank you so much for your reply! I knowi should not stay for money reasons but what if I can't pay the mortgage or childcare fees? I don't want my daughter to miss out and it totally scares me, we've been together for such a long time, what if I can't do it? Was thinking of talking to citizens advise?