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Need some advice about stbexh visits with children

(7 Posts)
Nomorepain Sun 09-Dec-12 10:06:36


I'm after a bit if advice. Exh left us after cheating when I was pregnant. I thought we had a loving marriage. affair was a complete shock to me. He walked out on me and ds when dd was 5 weeks old. He had shown himself to be a mean character that I don't recognise at all. We were together for 16 years.

Since leaving his visits with children have been erratic. Always turns up late and sometimes not at all. My little boy is hurt at his dad not turning up and I am running out f ways to manage the situation. Yest he text 15 mins after he was due to tell me he ha to go into work. E works over 3 hours away so he would have known from early in that he wouldn't be visiting. My little boy had been waiting in the window all morning for his daddy. So sad. I called up ex and said it wasn't fair and ds was upset his response was that I had annoyed him and he wouldn't be coming at all.

I am so upset that he can do this to our children. I have no support with the children and have them on my own constantly. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I had plans for yesterday and today that I was looking forward to but have now had to cancel. He dictates to me when he sees the children and then still let's them down.

Please can someone help me. How do I change this horrible cycle? I am desperate

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 09-Dec-12 14:20:54

You don't say how long it is since he left, but have you sorted out all the "stuff" that goes with splitting; finances, child maintenance and so on? If he won't agree to regular contact with the dc for whatever reason (erratic shifts, for example) you need to make sure you have a Plan B if he doesn't turn up. Don't put your life on hold for him.

olgaga Tue 11-Dec-12 09:46:06

My little boy had been waiting in the window all morning for his daddy. So sad.

Heartbreaking. Like OldLady I'm wondering about the other "stuff" - it can help to concentrate minds.

Take a look at my blog which has lots of advice and links regarding separation, divorce, and useful info and advice re contact arrangements.

All I can suggest is that you try to impress on him the need for reliable, regular contact as anything else is bound to be upsetting for your son.

Nomorepain Tue 11-Dec-12 11:28:45

Thanks will look at your blog.

He left in April. He has manipulated 3 out of every 4 weekends since then. I feel like it is sending me mental. We are fine when he isn't around but it always turns sour when he is. It feels like he is doing whatever he can to make life unpleasant for me.

I'm going to docs tomorrow to get referred for counselling. I'm also waiting for call back from solicitor but really will a contact order make any difference?

Just remembered finances are ticking along. I've not got much money in maternity pay but he is paying bills and food as long as I don't upset him. He is also meant to pay for my car and petrol but car is bein taken off me in jan (day I go back to work but have sorted a new one out for myself) and refuses now to put petrol in because I've upset him. He also promised to pay half towards childcare surplus after tax credits so I arrange everything and now he says he won't pay. Feels like 2 steps forward 10 back at every conflict. He is paying out but he is living in a flat paid for by his business doesn't have any outgoings at all apart from us. His business pays for food, entertaining, cars, petrol, mobile phone etc etc.

I feel trapped!! He won't even reply to solicitor letters!

olgaga Tue 11-Dec-12 11:39:59

When you say the finances "are ticking along" I'm guessing there's no formal arrangements at all.

If you have no back-up at all re childcare is it possible you could move to be closer to family or friends?

What is your housing situation, and where are you with the divorce process?

I'm not sure there's any point seeking an order at this stage, if he isn't going to co-operate at all.

It sounds as though you have to take the bull by the horns here and start organising your life the way you want it. Yes it'll be tough on the kids but if your ex isn't coming back, the sooner you organise your new life the better.

Come back or PM me, I'm sure we can point you in the right direction for the help you need.

Nomorepain Tue 11-Dec-12 12:20:39

Thanks will PM you in a bit once I've fed and watered the little ones

titchy Tue 11-Dec-12 12:41:35

Tell him he can have contact EOW and one day a week, plus half of school holidays. Say these are the dates you will have them, if you don't reply I assum your are happy with these.

Do NOT tell your ds that his dad will be coming to see him. If he does it's a bonis, if he doesn't then at least ds isn't upset.

Call CSA and make sure you get the 15 or 20% of his income you are entitled to. Claim tax creedits and everythig else you can. Don't assume he will continue to pay for anything over and abpve thje CSA minimum.

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