How to deal with dementia when everyone seems in denial?

[DumbledoresPants]

Hello all,
After a bit of advice. My DGFIL (DH’s grandfather) has been showing signs of dementia for a few years now. He forgets how to get to places, forgets appointments, forgets recent conversations he has has and most recently he has forgotten my name (he has known me for more than 12 years) and the names of our two DSs and is refusing to take his medication for arthritis. The problem is we (the whole family) don’t think he would accept it if we suggested he may well have dementia and he should go to the GP. The furtherest any conversation has gone is that he has said “my memory isn’t quite what it used to be”. My MIL (his DD) said she was going to “work on him” about a year ago but nothing seems to come of this (and I am 99% sure she wouldn’t have tried the “straight to the point” approach).
He is now not bothering to do any washing up or other basic housework, MIL is constantly finding mouldy food despite clearing through it herself most weeks.
MIL has now told us all that we need to be going round there regularly to do their housework. When it was mentioned about seeing if they (GF and GM) would be entitled to some help due to his dementia it was said that “it would upset him and probably send him over the edge because he would probably lose his driving licence which is his last bit of freedom”. Whilst I understand their point I feel uncomfortable NOT reporting him as I believe he is a danger to himself and others when behind the wheel. What can we do?/what would you do?
Also, to anyone wondering why GM can’t do the housework- she is wheelchair bound after breaking her hip over a year ago, she has very little energy and needs help dressing, washing etc. She sleeps in a bed in the front room as she can not get up her stairs to her bedroom. GF is essentially her carer despite suffering with arthritis himself.

[AstrantiaMajpr]

This is a situation that is all to common. It is also unresolvable. No-one can force another adult to accept help. SS will not step in unless the help request comes from the person themselves. Frequently, even if SS do recommend help, the person refuses and you are back to square one. Usually what happens is there is some sort of crisis, a fall or a hospital admission. Then the help is offered and sometimes accepted.

Please do not be guilt tripped into helping. That may sound hard, but years of running around after people has taught me that you can’t fix the unfixable. There is a thread, that has been going for years about Elderly Parents. It is a life saver for lots of people. You will find practical advice, a hand hold and friendship in what can be a very lonely experience.

[AstrantiaMajpr]

Also do report the driving. I did this about my stepfather and also my 90 year old neighbour who was driving without a licence and insurance. He boasted about it, saying , “I only go to the shops and the bingo”. He could barely drive straight in our quiet turning.

[thesandwich]

Astrantia is right- unless they seek help it cannot be imposed. But you should not be forced into helping. Could you talk to mil about introducing a cleaner or home help type person without mentioning dementia? They may be entitled to attendance allowance which could pay for it.
And do come across to the elderlies thread- loads of wisdom and empathy there.

[thesandwich]

Yes and do report the driving. How would everyone feel if he caused an accident? A community police officer went to see mil to tell her she could no longer drive.

[DPotter]

Report the driving definitely - it’s the only thing you can do.

DP’s father has dementia and lives in absolute squalor - I jest not. He agrees to have carers and cleaners and then refuses to let them in and if someone else is there to let them in, gets very verbally aggressive. So the sad thing is, we have to let him to live in his squalor. It is heart breaking. You have to let this happen and it’s awful, but please don’t let yourself be guilted into helping more than you can.

[vitaminC]

I'm not in the UK, but doesn't their GP make regular home visits? I'm surprised s/he hasn't referred them to social services for an assessment. Surely they must be entitled to a home help, at least, if the GM is wheelchair bound and her husband has arthritis?

[PurpleWithRed]

Report his driving - you can do this anonymously on the DVLA website. B-all you can do about him and to be honest having a diagnosis isn't gong to help that much if he's not willing to accept any help.

You can help GM - does she have any help from carers? If not has she had a care assessment? Does she get Attendance Allowance? Check and see if the local Age UK people do a Help at Home service (domestic help).

[DPotter]

Even with GP and SS fully involved if the individual refuses assistance their preferences are respected unless they are in direct danger. The individual’s right of autonomy is given precedence, irrespective of family wishes.
If the person is actual danger they can be forced into supportive accommodation but the bar is set high. For example Incontinence, forgetting to eat, blowing up multiple microwaves are not viewed as reason to force help on to someone.

[Hebenon]

Please report the driving. My mother has fronto-temporal dementia and one of the features of this type of dementia is that she has no insight at all into her condition and like your DGFIL just thinks she is a bit forgetful. We have managed to get her to see a specialist (she was not keen but we persisted) and this specialist has advised us that we absolutely MUST inform the DVLA of her limitations. Until recently she's been living in a very quiet place where she only drives ten minutes down the road at twenty miles an hour. However she and my dad are moving to London to be near all of us children where she will certainly not be able to drive in the traffic conditions and roads locally. Like your DGFIL she is a danger to herself and others.

I would call and speak to anyone you can (SS, GP, dementia charities) to get some advice. What does your DH think? Can he speak to his mother?

[noarguments]

Can you not have a conversation with the GP - obviously GP can't give any info, but can listen to concerns and might be able to call him in for a "regular check up", and then there might be an opportunity to discuss any memory issues - s/he might even do a basic memory test which could at least start the ball rolling. Sometimes a person will tell the GP things they won't tell their family (and yes the opposite is certainly true, I know!).
Getting a diagnosis isn't an immediate thing, and also doesn't resolve anything, but it might open some doors to conversations, and depending on what the diagnosis is, there may be medication which helps....

[Neolara]

Having a dementia diagnosis does not necessarily mean he will loose his driving licence straight away. It will depend on how well he is functioning..

[Lovesagin]

Report the driving by Op means but be prepared for nothing to happen. A family member just carried on driving and there was nothing we could do to stop them, how their licence plate was never flagged up on those reg plate detection things I'll never know.

It's so hard op. we spoke to their doctor who sent an appointment for a general health mot and it was pure luck while they were at the appointment that clear evidence of dementia showed, but even then it took us a very long time to get them to go to follow up appointments due to the denial. All the while they were still driving.

It's very stressful and a long miserable road sadly.

[DotCottonDotCom]

With my Gran, it was getting to a bad point. My aunt booked her a docs appointment and then forged a letter from them asking for her to come to a routine check up. The ball got rolling from there.

This was desperate measures but it DID get the help she needed. I only wish we did this sooner because we lost her this year.

[DotCottonDotCom]

^ btw my gran didnt ever "know" she had dementia

[paintinggreyskiesblue]

We've recently started thinking that it might be time to get my DFIL some help around the home and i was doing some research into options and found this article really helpful. Can definitely relate to the points about forgetfulness and an untidy home (have always put it down to him getting older but it really is getting worse recently) similar to you OP. I think that in your situation your family might be in denial about dementia as that is quite a hard thing to accept but maybe suggest a housekeeper carer to be there to take care of the home and keep an eye on things if necessary which is what I'm going to suggest to my DH - Im sure they would be able to help him with driving as well so you dont have to worry about him putting himself and others in danger .
www.guardiancarers.co.uk/care-news/when-you-need-a-carer

AgeUk have some great stuff on the different types of care too! www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/find-care-support/how-to-find-help-at-home/

[chrissie28]

You can go to your GP and ask if the GP will see him to do a 'general check up' but give details of the daily difficulties with a view to a referral to the memory clinic. Most GPs will listen - more particularly as they get paid for every dementia diagnosis - unbelievably

[sprinkleyumnut]

It is very difficult for loved ones to come to terms with this vile disease. In time they will come to terms with it, they are already acknowledging it slowly 💜