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Things to make you feel like a real man

(35 Posts)
Flashman Thu 26-Jun-08 20:15:42

Some old but gave me a smile

25 things that make you feel like a real man

These are pinched from somewhere but you may have some of your own.... [Wink]

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are **ed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".

harleyd Thu 26-Jun-08 20:18:21

grin lol

BigGitDad Fri 27-Jun-08 11:37:54

Good post!grin (from a blokes perspective of course!)

Triathlete Wed 02-Jul-08 21:55:33

Top stuff, you c*nt [manly punch]

WideWebWitch Wed 02-Jul-08 21:58:39

Just read these out to dh who laughed a lot.

greeneyedgirl Mon 07-Jul-08 15:32:58

These got me tittering (and seeing my name you can guess I am not of the male persuasion). However, even though I am just a lowly woman, I do know when to use a Phillips. Ooh and I have a facial scar, not quite a knife wound, but I was attempting to be Tarzan when aged 5 and put my tooth through my lip!. Now worried that I am butch! Bum!!

mum2bean Sun 24-Aug-08 16:41:30

lmao, BF found these highly funny, and has now begun to call me bint, thanks lol.
agree with greeneyedgirl, i know when to use a phillips, and can drink my bloke under the table, have a few scars (none facially) feel totally butch!!!!!

Pan Mon 25-Aug-08 23:02:46

yeah, sorted.

Trouble is, even the most liberal, aware, pro-feminist, lentil weaving angry women I know, and have known, still go all squelchy when I do, or have done, any of the above!! And yes, a friend of mine need her concreted-over garden breaking up..and I DID do it, with a pnuematic drill and a rolly hanging out of my gob at one stage.....she thought it drools-worthy. Funny, but oh-so-funny.

SilkySilky Sat 04-Dec-10 20:23:34

worth a bump as a funny original post

BeenBeta Sat 04-Dec-10 20:35:11

Missed this first time round.

Very grin and also very true.

SummerRain Sat 04-Dec-10 20:39:00

I knew i was a tomboy but i ticked a few too many of those for comfort blush

Rollmops Sat 04-Dec-10 21:00:05

Mr Rollmops here,

Giving the throttle a blip as you switch off the ignition.

Using a huge cordless drill and slipping the clutch so it sounds like an F1 tyre change.

Taking a rugby ball out with the kids, doing a Johnny Wilkinson crouch before kicking a goal and then pretending to fart.

Opening a bottle of wine in 5 seconds from cutting the foil to cork (real one) hitting the bin.

Giving the kids a big beardy cuddle, three days worth of stubble on their bare tummies while they scream and giggle.

Drinking beer from a jug and not a poncey pint glass.

Running around with your pants on your head and making the kids laugh as you are so silly !

Thinking "my work is done" when your 2 year old asks you to draw a 911.

Beaming with pride when the kids demand "Daddy Porridge" for breakfast (I'm a proud Scot).

Mrs Rollmops giving me a knowing wink when I go out on the river for a row in my lycra gear.

BeenBeta Sat 04-Dec-10 21:04:28

I have a ragged scar on my inner thigh right over my femoral artery which people bleed to death from in minutes if it is severed.

DW doesnt know I caught myself on a barbed wire fence chasing a sheep. wink

LifeForRent Sat 04-Dec-10 22:02:57

My husband laughed at these. Of course he's too manly to use MN himself. Still he peers over my shoulder to throw his 2pence in.

maltesers Tue 07-Dec-10 18:51:36

Now my DP has got a much better paid job, he feels like a real man again. . . .oh, and I think the usual bit of hanky panky makes him feel like a man too !!! lol lol grin

BelfastBloke Wed 08-Dec-10 09:57:02

Does not weeping when i get a paper cut count?

thesunshinesbrightly Thu 16-Dec-10 00:58:56

Love it!! nothing better than a manly man -yum.

darksideofthemooncup Thu 16-Dec-10 01:06:48

That is hilarious, just read it out to my DH and he agreed with all them. grin

BitOfFalalalalaa Thu 16-Dec-10 01:15:47

I feel that at this point I need to share this song with you...

MrsRhettButler Thu 16-Dec-10 01:17:28

love number 17 grin

VFemme Thu 16-Dec-10 02:15:43

LMAO my DH really ROFL'd and called me a bint

VFemme Thu 16-Dec-10 02:16:15

(sorry DH just made be write that!)

BelfastRingingOutForXmasBloke Thu 16-Dec-10 08:51:40

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

When I was at the tip at the weekend, a bloke actually smiled at me, because he was clearly so happy to be there, and he thought I was too.

TrillianAstra Thu 16-Dec-10 08:56:18

Loving the logic of Schumacher has no reverse gear, so he can't do parallel parking, so I am better than him.

eeore Tue 25-Jan-11 18:19:26

Having a hobby that requires reading catalogues and drawing up lists.

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