Ex partners and kids

[jimbob1980]

Hello, not sure if anyone has any advice.
I have 2 children with my ex partner (boy aged 4 & girl aged 7). We split up over three years ago.
I met my current partner 2 years ago (due to be married in 2 weeks). About 18 months ago My ex asked me to take our daughter in because she couldn't control her and she didn't want her living with her anymore so we reluctantly agreed, i say reluctantly because we didn't want to split the children up. Anyway for the past 15 months my daughter has lived with us and at weekends we have our son and everything has been fine. Over past 4 months my daughter has stayed at her mum's on a few occasions, well last night we picked her up and she was upset saying she now wants to move pack to her mum's. My daughter proceeded to tell us that her mum was crying and said if she wants to move back she should ask us to which she did, it was so difficult to explain to my daughter why this wouldn't work but the truth is that she was not doing well i'm her mum's care, the social services were involved and her personal hygiene and education was suffering. Well over the past 15 months she has improved dramatically, she has moved up 4 reading grades in the first 6 months alone & She did seem happy up until last night.
We really dont know what to do for the best, do we just ride it out and hope she cheers up and do we give in and let her mum take her back.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated.
J

[r1kd]

I am separated and have two daughters. Mine are 12 and 15.
I know it's impossible to see it when you're the one having the impact on them, but kids are resilient and can adapt to change.
My advice is to do whatever you think is best for your kids, even if they don't understand it properly. But I also advise you talk to them to explain what and why. At least this way it removes any major surprises.
As they get a bit older, this constant engagement with your kids about more grown up subjects will pay off. My teenage girls are far more adult and sensible about their parents situation and than we are.

I let my kids stay with their mother against all my instincts because i knew objectively at the beginning of the break up it was better for them to have stability and consistency.

Do what's best for your kids, until they're old and smart enough to make their own calls.

[jimbob1980]

Thanks r1kd
You are right, i think i should maybe explain more to my daughter because she is always asking questions and although i do answer them i sometimes think i don't do with much explanation.

[IHRL55]

@jimbob1980, how is your son doing in terms of his development? Is he getting the support he needs or is it that your ex-partner simply copes better with him? What were the reasons behind her handing your daughter over to you?

You say your daughter stated her Mum was crying and then you go on to say your ex-partner told your daughter if she wants to move back in with her, then your daughter should speak to you. Do you know what the conversation between your daughter and her mum was?

What is your ex-partner's current living situation? You say this has developed over the last 4 months...

I have a 7 year old daughter myself and while as parents we want to always do what is best for them, I feel at this age in order to thrive, your daughter really needs stability, continuity and security, all of which it seems she is getting with you. The upheaval of moving her back in with her mum should ONLY take place if her mum can offer her the same environment and continue to nurture your daughter's development.

I get the whole 'speak to your child as an adult' but your daughter is only 7 and not emotionally equipped to tackle all of the smaller very complex issues that are encompassed within the wider issue, which in your daughters mind is that her mum is sad. Perhaps your daughter believes that moving back in with her mum will make her mum happy?

I would take advice from your daughters school regarding her development, perhaps seek counsel from a trusted GP who would be able to sign post you to services that may be relevant in helping you to decide what is best for your daughter and helping your daughter to understand why you are making the decision that you are.

Ultimately, please trust your instinct as her parent, if you know she is better off with you then you have your answer.

Also, please think about the situation with your son and how he is being impacted by his upbringing and the fact that he and his sister are growing up in seemingly different environments, apart. This will have adverse effects on their relationship as they grow into adults.

Best wishes.