Concerned stepmom -help!

[AnglianAngel]

Ok so here's the situation. My husband is a brilliant dad to his four kids. We see them regularly, he calls/face times them all the time etc. But his oldest (17) hates him and is abusive and violent. He is now influencing the youngest who was a little angel but is now turning nasty. Their mother will not stand up for my husband even though she knows he hasn't done anything wrong. She just adds fuel to the fire cos she is spiteful. How on earth does he keep the youngest safe and stable when he only has limited access and influence? It's heartbreaking to watch. Any suggestions?

[xxRedxx]

I find it funny, how the ex is always spiteful!!

If your husband is such a good father why does his own son "hate him"?

Are you saying your husbands youngest son isn't safe? Strong accusation!

[AnglianAngel]

thanks for the message which was neither helpful or useful. Im more interested in suggestions on how to help a child. Anyone got anything nicer to say?

[Lookatyourwatchnow]

I don't think that anybody will be able to provide any useful information without a more comprehensive overview, OP. What's the background?

[AnglianAngel]

Everything was fine until about 3 months ago. the oldest was involved in a gang and tried to bring them back to his house. My husbands ex asked him for help and he stood up for her and told the oldest it wasn't appropriate for the gang to be round the house. That's when it escalated. Then because my husband couldn't fix the problem for her straight away she was p*** off and things have got worse. The gang bit has calmed down but it's left a lot of hatred. The oldest is now in charge of his household.

[OpheliaM71]

My husbands ex has never let me spend time with my husbands kids. She laid down the law when he met me he was only allowed to spend time with them if he was alone and stayed at her place ( she lives a distance away) it used to upset me at first especially when we were courting because the times when he was allowed to see them always fell on my birthday, valentines and when we married, our anniversary also. This was usually after we’d already arranged something special for us. I found out later that these times were specifically chosen by her in order to cause arguments between myself and my husband. I used to get upset to be truthful but he always agreed with whatever she demanded because he was afraid that she’d make it difficult for his access. I realised that she had a powerful bargaining tool and as he reminded me I was low in the pecking order of things when it came to her and the kids. It took a while but I came to terms with the knowledge that I’d never have a relationship with them and that he’d never try to get her to accept I was part of their lives. She sent me a message telling me that I’d never be part of their lives and that she’d make sure of that. Eventually I stopped caring about trying to be in that part of his life.
Last year things changed. His ex is now in a relationship. Last year she wanted to go away for a month with her new man and suddenly decided that maybe it was convenient for her to suddenly say I good enough to spend time with the kids. She planned a months holiday and arranged with my hubby for them to stay with us at our place. It was a surprise as I was only informed about the plans after it had all been arranged between the two of them and the kids.
They came and stayed and one of the kids played up a lot and made it clear they didn’t want to be with us. It made things a little unpleasant. The youngest behaved terribly towards my hubby and he allowed her to do so. When I asked my husband to take control, he didn’t because he wanted to be more the best friend than the parent. When I told them to behave themselves my husband became aggressive with me and refused to speak to me for days. He told me in no uncertain terms that no one tells his children off.
Now I’ve just been told that the children are staying again this year and I’m dreading it. I haven’t been given the opportunity to establish a bond so I don’t know what to do to help make the stay pleasant for all. According to my husband the ideal stepmum and wife should keep her mouth shut and let his kids run riot if it makes them happy. Any ideas?

[FlaminYon]

AA sorry, not enough information. How is the child not safe?

Ophelia, that sounds like a nightmare. Do you work? I’d be booking myself a break away and let him see how he handles the bad behaviour when he hasn’t got you around to be ‘bad cop’. Can you stay with family? I know that sounds like a terrible upheaval for you but I’d do it and leave him in his dream world with the kids. He won’t last long and maybe he’ll appreciate your help next time.

[OpheliaM71]

Thanks for the reply, the visit went as planned, again a confrontation, bad behaviour and spoiled kids with ‘I want...’ every 30 seconds but I took your advice and booked lots of night shifts and slept during the day. This gave me time away and time for him to not have me ‘interfering’
I spent a lot of money on my days off with them taking them out on day trips with picnics, clothes and gifts etc. I really put in the effort to show I was a good step mum. He repayed this by cheating on me with an ex sending sex messages while I was at work, intimate photos arranging meetings to hook up etc etc so now I have a whole new problem.

[SandyY2K]

@OpheliaM71

Your DH doesn't respect you. If you put up with it...he'll do it again and again.

You might want to start your own thread in 'Relationships'