partners son

[btp54]

I invited my partner and her youngest son to move into my house in 2009, not knowing what a nightmare I was letting myself in for.
he at the time was 6ft 3in and almost 18, he was still sleeping with his teddy and having a comforter, I found out quite quickly he was and still is an attention seeker and a drama queen, if we took him shopping he wanted to hold mummies hand and if we went out to dinner without him he would get the hump.
it didn't take long for him to cause trouble with such things as his lies, disrespecting the home, he threatened me with a glass tumbler and I still don't know why, but his father was supposed to be making threats towards me about attacking me with a base ball bat, I assume because of another one of his lies , and wrecking his newly decorated bedroom, he went off to university, thank god, saw him a few times when he came back , but by this time I didn't want anything to do with him.
in 2016 it was finally admitted he was trying to split up myself and my partner with his behaviour, it was obvious to me from the start but she claimed she didn't know, I understand she was in the middle of it and she felt guilty towards him because his father was a bully, even after a year I still have not had an apology from him, he has now moved back into the area , I still haven't seen him as I won't have anything to do with him as his behaviour was hurtful and very upsetting, it has also been made worse by being told none of his family care what he had done to me as he is family, even though I have been with my partner 11 years i'm still the outsider, he is the only thing my partner and myself argue about and I am now under pressure to get on with him as I refuse to go to any of her family events because of him, I have said I will for my partners sake ( I wouldn't care if I ever saw him again) but I want a genuine written apology from him, It is now getting on for 4 weeks since this apology was promised, after all this time I very much doubt that I will get any sort of apology, but why should he when his family don't care what he has done or the hurt and upset he has caused to me, I believe every one should be accountable for their actions.
it is me that is missing out of the family events, I had thought about going along and making him uncomfortable, i'm more afraid of losing it with him.
any ideas of what to do next will be appreciated and am I over reacting

[harrypotternerd]

I think you are overreacting, this is your partners son, honestly you come across as quite mean about him (the teddy for instance) if my partner had that attitude then i would leave him. Why does it have to be a written apology? can it not be a verbal one? of course your partners family are going to forgive him and still have him at family events - that is what a decent family does.

[Atenco]

He sounds awful, but then not everyone takes to having step-parents.

And you sound awful too, frankly, because no matter how badly our children behave, as mothers we love our children and I don't know how your partner can cope with your intransigence to her child.

Maybe you have never had any children, OP, but my dd is 32 and can be quite unpleasant to me, but I will never stop loving her and would not have someone in my life who was constantly harking on about how horrible she is.

[btp54]

I am not over reacting, the attention seeking and drama queen is how his own family describe him, he was jealous when he met my grand daughter when she was a baby. the written apology is to see how genuine he is to his past behaviour, I tried the verbal apology previously but within the hour he was trying to con me.i just don't think it is acceptable to be threatened with violence or lied about by anyone family or not

[INeedNewShoes]

Wanting a written apology from a family member (or friend, or any individual really) is unusual and does make it sound like you are overreacting and that even if the son was to change his behaviour you're not going to allow anyone to forget the last few years.

[btp54]

I have 2 sons who I raised as a single parent from the ages of 5 and 7, they are now 32 and 34, my youngest son has adhd and his behaviour is very challenging so I have plenty of experience of dealing with problematic people, I just want to be treated with respect

[ElspethFlashman]

You will never ever ever get a written apology, ok?

It ain't gonna happen. You'll be lucky if you get a verbal one, in 10 years time "yeah, I was a dick back then, sorry about that".

So the question is, what do you do for the rest of your life?

Cos this is a stalemate you are losing.

Do you never clap eyes on him again as a point of principle, and never go to family events again? Continue to bitch to your partner about a written apology and make an atmosphere at home where she feels she can't even mention her son in her own house?

Who would that be hurting? Certainly not him!

You are cutting off your nose to spite your face. You are alienating yourself from your in laws and the only one looking obstinate you.

Yeah, he was a cunt. But he doesn't live with you and never will again. Don't let his poison corrode the atmosphere of a house he doesn't even live in anymore.

So announce you're going to be taking the high ground as you know no apology will be forthcoming, and you're going to live your life in its entirety, and go to these things. And ignore him by all means, but on no account allow it to upset your day with your partner. Stand your ground but say very little (cos speaking about it will turn into a spat).

[LineysRun]

When you met him his parents were divorced and he'd have been doing his A levels to get into university, and his mum's decided that she (and he) are moving in with you.

His behaviour sounds what some people might think of as 'clingy' but could well spring out of a bit of emotional turmoil.

I don't think think the letter is a good idea. I would maybe text him and say, 'let's move on'. And be distant with him if you want, but civil. Otherwise you risk creating drama yourself, and sucking your partner into it.

By the way, what do your partner and her ExH think of the situation?

[HerOtherHalf]

My stepkids are well into adulthood now. My simple rule for myself when raising them was that I would treat them as I would my own children but not feel entitled to them reciprocating in kind. It all worked out well. It doesn't seem like you are treating this boy/man as anything other than an unwanted intruder in your life.
Teenagers can be troublesome, kids adjusting to marriage break-ups can be troubled, kids with dysfuntional or bullying parents can have issues. As disruptive as his behaviour was it is not hard to understand.
Now to you treating him like your own. I bet you would be far quicker to forgive your own flesh and blood, I also doubt you would hold your own to the production of a formal written apology (seriously?). You are both in the wrong here but you appear to be the one refusing to let things go and move on. Get over it, have a chat with him and try to clear the air. You share your lives with a woman you both love, as long as you have her in common you need to find a way to get along.