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daughters wishes

(12 Posts)
marshall1 Wed 29-Jan-14 20:05:06

My 8 year old daughter has decided she wants to live with me. Do I honor her wishes? I also have a 3 year old son and I don't want to split the siblings up, I do not know what to do for the best.

shushpenfold Wed 29-Jan-14 20:06:44

Gosh - how difficult. I honestly don;t know what I would do in the same situation but didn't want to read and run. What does your ex think? Are you on good terms and can you sort it out amicably?

Basketofchocolate Wed 29-Jan-14 20:11:30

More background?

I would say really consider it as she's obviously asked for a reason. It may be because she doesn't want to be with her mum - so trying to escape, or because she wants to spend more time with you and get to know you - so trying to go to something positive.

If she wants to spend more time with you, is there a way to do that without upsetting the living arrangements? I.e. going out one evening a week with her and her staying holidays?

marshall1 Wed 29-Jan-14 20:12:42

We have been apart for 3 years now and apart from a handful of times I have had my kids every weekend. We are not on good terms but we are civil, I know as soon as this excrement hits this huge fan it is going to be very messy and nasty. I left her as she is a very unreasonable person. The thing I am scared of is the repercussions of it. will she let my son come and if not will she stop me seeing him altogether as well as my family, as we are all heavily involved with my kids day to day life's

WelshMoth Wed 29-Jan-14 20:18:41

How about going for joint custody?

Do you live close in geography?

It worked for my DH and his ex. They drew up a plan and, apart from a few times, stuck to those days. DD stayed with her Mum on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, with her Dad on Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Bedroom in both homes. Clothes, toiletries and hair driers etc in both.

It worked and DD has grown up a really solid, and well rounded lady.

The catch is though, you must try and get on as parents. No resentment on either part because it's the overall sense if fairness that kept it working so well.

WelshMoth Wed 29-Jan-14 20:19:50

Overall sense OF fairness.

Not if fairness

shushpenfold Wed 29-Jan-14 20:21:24

Agree with welshmoth - if possible, work it out. Hug for you and kids....v difficult.

Basketofchocolate Wed 29-Jan-14 20:21:39

what are the motives behind your daughter's request?

Girls fighting with their Mum's is normal.

marshall1 Wed 29-Jan-14 20:35:56

that's the thing she really clams up on my when I try to delve deeper she has 2 teenage brothers as well and I don't think she gets on with them to well either, Its a very hard thing to try and think about because I know she will use my son as leverage as well

Basketofchocolate Wed 29-Jan-14 20:50:04

My suggestion would really be to find a good time to talk directly (face to face) with her mother.

Make sure you couch it nicely and tactfully - expect her to be really hurt and upset - DC's can be so harsh and ungrateful for all the things that Mum's do for them - esp the things that they don't like as they usually are the ones telling off/setting rules, etc. Sorry for generalisations.

Having a child together means continuing contact and a need to be civil, as you say. And, don't forget this is for years to come - think what happens when your DC have DCs - your ex will be there as a grandparent too, so this is a really long relationship you will have to work on.

Plus, your daughter's not even a teen yet and that could be tough too.

Anyway, yes, talk to the mother as grown ups. She may know the answer, if not, she'll hopefully appreciate you trying to make sure you parent together as adults in cahoots, as you would if you lived together. Never decide these things with the kids directly, that's not fair on the kids or the other parent.

Tackle it together, the right way by cooperating and presenting a united front.

Whatever is up, is really important to her, so don't ignore it, but there might be a way to tackle it without changing living arrangements.

Living arrangements might be the best way to change things, but if she's just trying to escape the other home, it would be best to fix the problem (if poss) first.

Sorry if this is long and rambling.

BoneyBackJefferson Fri 31-Jan-14 06:46:30

Much as the advice about working together is good it does overlook the fact that it is your ex that is in your terms "a very unreasonable person".

As I see it, if you accommodate your daughter you risk losing your son.
If you don't accommodate your daughter you risk losing her.

I have no advice to give but you do have my sympathies.

pancakedays Sun 02-Mar-14 14:07:13

You need to be certain that this is in your daughter's best interest. From experience, children do play parents off against each other.
For instance, if she was living with you she may be saying the same to her mother!
Maybe the best way forward is to increase contact.
Are you having regular contact with both of them on weekends? It would be very unlikely you can go from this to full custody!
Joint custody usually only works if you can work together with her mother, and you live nearby.
My advice is to request more time with both your children, maybe a weekday tea time, and after this has been regular for a few months, increase it to overnight.
Never discuss your Ex's being 'unreasonable' or in any negative way with your daughter. This will go against you if you ever have to seek legal advice.

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