Trapped by DV/gaslighting/control, need advice

[Butterflygurl]

It's taken me some time to gather the courage to discuss this publicly but I think I need to now, please don't troll.

The father of my teenager and baby on the way has become extreamly abusive within the last year and I am so exhausted with his new trick - gaslighting

It's like he's been through every other type of abuse and because I'm strong and he's never fully broken me, he's resorted to this now and it is making my life hell, all I can think of is leaving because there is now absolutely no way I can work anything out with him, I can't deal with lies!

In can't stand liars and I'm such an honest person that being called a liar is the most brutal this he could say, and he knows it so this works perfectly!

Thing is he's now gaslighting my teenager, luckily we sit and talk through what happened so they don't feel like their going crazy but this is terrible now

He's lost such control he has to deny everything, lie about everything and talk over/shut down any attempt at trying to highlight the truth.

I have very strong values and belief, my profession also shares some of these, now here comes his control, because I've smoked a bit of cannabis and raved a bit in my youth ( I won't apologise for experiences I've learned a great deal from, good and bad!) he says he will report me for this which will bring my carer into question

He also (intentionally setting traps I'm sure) pushes me into finally breaking my silence to call him as cunt, usually after hours and hours of every vile atomic bombs he can drop on me, then tells me he's going to ring the police and report.my psycho ass.

in fact he tells me him his mum Nd the police have a decade old catalogue of the calls he logged - now this is gaslighting at its height as nothing I've done it said should have warranted the police - 'please don't do, this, please stop, can you just leave me alone, your being too aggressive/violent, please stop in front of our child, and maybe a 'your a really vile cunt you know that'' where as he will drag me round by hair, smash me into mirrors and chase me with a chainsaw, all of which he would deny, but remembers the two times I defended myself and slapped him as he charged towards me violently,

you know the natural fight or flight mode, when he backs me into. Corner and there's no where to go n he squares up to my face forcing me to look at his wild eyes while he's spitting in my face with the worst agression ever, it's kinda dropped into self defence mode and I lashed out, wish I haven't lost it that way because it's not right but also he tells everybody I'm the violent one now...

Anyway, hopefully you kinda get the gist, suppose my sarcastic approach is one of the many coping mechanisms I've had to develop but I need some external advice now, my friends are sick of saying something and me getting another beatdown....

The reasons I need to do something now is this, the week before I took my pregnancy test, he chased.me round the living room with his chainsaw then dragged me onto the front doorstep by my hair and threw me and my bags into the streeet, since I found out I was pregnant things calmed down for a week or two then escalated to the max

This baby's given me strength and I'm very honest sonnoe I'm not taking no crap, but he denied chasing me with a chainsaw and that's like, are you for real, that totally happend? And if you'd have got.me, it would have been baby you killed too, he hates this but this is the reality of his actions,

He could have carried on with.me a little.lomger but now I'm pregnant I'm super defensive and protective Nd determined I'm having standards n expectations for my child, is that so wrong?!

Also he speaks lies about.me to cover his own affairs, now his vile sister has told everybody my baby may not be his and he won't even do anything about it all, I'm furious, can't even defend me

I pay all bills as I'm in a career while he 'establishes himself (at 34) with no solid work history

Everything is tit for tat, a competition or one upmanship With him, I can't say a god dam thing without it turning back on something historical I've done, Jesus I've had to endure girl after girl (friends neighbours.and family, sometimes in my own house while I'm in it!!) of his 'revenge' for some dude that was trying to get with me through uni, which I didn't pay very much attention (not even friends just lab partners sometimes) and shut down all contact one partner saw some of his messages ...he was flirting not me!

There really is just so much more, I could write a book! I just need help to try and get out as he tells me if I try and leave he will.destroy my career, my life ect

I'm strong but I'm lost, he's taken my self esteem yet I can't live with a lying cheat who can't take any responsibility for his vile behabiour, ever please advise what you think I can and should do?

I email everything to myself and have done since Feb now so I've got all records!

[DepressedOtter]

If the house is in your name, which it should be if you pay all the bills, wait until he goes out and have the locks changed.
If you're not confident enough to do it yourself can you have a family member on standby who can do it for you? I would if I knew you. Failing that put a chain on.
Then text or email him stating something like.
We are over, but you may keep your belongings*, I'll leave them with X mutual friend at X place by X day.
Leave them with his mum if you have to, but try not to come in contact with him again.
Ring the police and report him, even if you don't want him arrested, just so they'll put a "flag" next to your name and address, so if you have to dial 999 you'll be priority.

I gave up my career within the NHS, but if you were accused of possibly doing drugs as a teen, with little to no evidence (hell, even if there WAS evidence) it would be unlikely to go further than a quick chat and we were pretty hot on this kind of stuff. Please don't worry about it, I find it hard to believe anybody would actually care unless you were handing out 10 bags to your clients.

[Flisspaps]

Who's name is the house in?

Contact Women's Aid for advice in the first instance. You are so not wrong for wanting more.

You can have a happy and safe life away from him, you've got this x

[Butterflygurl]

Thank you, I have been escalating the threats in my head something alrming, so it's nice to realise it's been given far too much energy than it needs, I'm in my 30s now and built anavery good to but never hide where I've come from or my experiences, he just uses this honest trait against me.

Unfortunately it's a council house so it's a difficult one without involving them and being honest

I just can't keep living the life I'm living because not a single bit of it is anything like I want, I have my career, family friends all sperate from the are I live on, it's a horrid culture here and my life's so far removed (probably who I get so much shit) but I have to get out of it now, baby can't live this!

Thank you for advice, appreciate the technicals with police too

[Butterflygurl]

Thank you x luckily although he's stripped everything else away from me

I've got my strength still, confidence and I'm building some secrets funds...he takes everything from my main account x

It's nice to read that things could get better, I just want peace and to be happy in a nice home environment, I don't want a million quid and a mansion, just a happy home for baby

[DepressedOtter]

But if he's not on the lease you don't have to involve the council to get rid of him, you just kick him out

[Flisspaps]

Definitely call/email Women's Aid You can do this x

[Butterflygurl]

I wish it was that easy, sometimes.if I ask him to go he will happily say

I'll pack my bags and go, I don't want to live with you nyway, but never actually goes

Or he will dig his heels in and use the house as a control mechanism, trying to sit pretty and force me out

Thing is all his family and friends live round here so it would be very awkward although I could get. House swap maybe, it's just getting him out

I could go down the legal route but again, he is going to say all sorts about me to try Nd tarnish me even further
I'm just glad I have friends and family who know me and judge me on their experiences with me and not the nasty vile low level scum that jimnaand his people say to assassinate my character

Last night I went to his family party

He ended up going back to his cousins with a girl until 2am, happily slept on the sofa and probably texted her all night

Yet few house earlier he was getting congratulated by his family on the baby he has tried to disownm....honestly this is just horrible to live with now x

[DepressedOtter]

That's why you need to lock him out once he's out, and leave his stuff elsewhere (with a friend, his mum, or your mum etc). Do not ever let him back in once you've done this.

If you're not able to get the locks changed while he's out (either by doing it yourself, getting a friend to or hiring a locksmith and having them on standby until he goes out) then you can call the police and he will remove him.