Help, in such a financial mess

[TheFutureMrsBellamy]

I'm so ashamed of this but I don't know where to start. I'm a terribly impulsive spender anyway but last year my mum asked to 'borrow' a credit card of mine. Between us we've racked up £15k in debt, all in my name.

Whenever I try to budget I work out that I should have £100 a week disposable income but I genuinely don't. I'm forever living hand to mouth and having to put food and fuel on the credit cards. Now they're maxed out and I'm just in such a muddle I don't know where to begin.

Please no judgement, I know I've been bloody ridiculous but no amount of berating will change anything. I've tried to get loans to consolidate the debt but can't.

I live in a shared ownership property, the owned part is in trust to my children so I can't release any equity from that, not that I would anyway, I wouldn't want to risk our home.

[Aquamarine1029]

You have to stop using credit and debit cards completely. Cash only and write down every single purchase you make. It's the only way you will ever get a grip on what you're doing with your money.

[purplecorkheart]

Have you something like MABs in the UK? They are probably the best source of advice. They will can help you talk to your lenders and also look at your outgoings and help you budget properly.

[TheFutureMrsBellamy]

What's a MAB? Is it like the Citizen's Advice Bureau? I've looked into them but I'm currently on holiday (which has been another financial nightmare but I'm not going into that right now).

[blackcat86]

£100 a week is a lot of disposable income. Is that after food, bills and travel? Can you go though the card and work out what your mum owes you to see if she will contribute at least? I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Citizens advice can be very helpful regarding finances. Also check out Dave Ramsey who's methods have helped people out of huge debts.

[purplecorkheart]

Mabs is money advice bureau in Ireland. I am sure the UK has similar. More specific to financial affairs that Citzens Advice

[SavoyCabbage]

Do you know how much of the debt is yours and how much is your mother’s?

You are putting food and fuel on credit but are you buying clothes/takeaways/coffee etc with your £100 disposable income?

I’d start with trying to bring together all of your paperwork and see if you can see where all your money is going and this week don’t spend a penny without writing it down.

[TheFutureMrsBellamy]

My trouble is, I get stressed about money and the two things that make me feel better are shopping and eating...it's a vicious cycle and I don't know how to break it.

Plus I have a rather unhealthy relationship with alcohol and drunk me loves to shop.

I know, I know...I sound like a complete nightmare, I guess I just need a bit of a cheering squad/kick up the arse/accountability partner so that I actually DO this rather than just talking about it then carrying on as usual.

[AdaColeman]

Is it possible to allocate to each of you, exactly what you and your mother spent on your credit card? Then ask your mother to pay her share?

Have you thought about contacting a debt-help charity such as StepChange?

Many people can cut their cost of living to help pay off debts, you need to do a review of what you are spending your money on, then see where you can make savings. Have a look at Money Saving Expert for help with that.

[TheFutureMrsBellamy]

And thank you all for not judging and condemning me.

[NoSquirrels]

Whenever I try to budget I work out that I should have £100 a week disposable income but I genuinely don't

The trouble with "should have" is that it usually never ever takes into account all the things you really spend money on.

Christmas - how much does it cost you every year? You need to save for it and put money by monthly for it.

Birthdays (gifts, but also kids parties and entertainment etc) - same thing, you will spend money on these and I bet you don't know quite how much.

Clothes, shoes - set a realistic budget of what you need to spend in a year for you and DC. Divide by 12, save up. Do not spend more.

Food - add up ALL your food spending in a month - cafe visits, big supermarket shops, top-up shops, eating out, takeaways. You will be shocked. Try to spend less!

Other things we spend on infrequently but happen enough that they shouldn't catch you by surprise:

Subscriptions/annual payments e.g. Amazon Prime
Insurances
Replacing things (computers, household items like kettles, whatever)
School trips and dinner payments etc
Hair cuts, toiletries and make-up and 'personal care'
Holidays...

There are so many things people usually don't account for in their monthly budgets and then of course it goes tits up when the "unexpected" happens.

[dementedma]

Payplan helped us a lot when we were in the shit. We owed more than you do and had no disposable income. Now the only debt is the mortgage. It took a bloody, long painful time but it can be done. If you have a history of credit cards and loans, check for PPI. A windfall from that could pay some of the debt off.

[NoSquirrels]

You also need to be realistic.

If you know you spend a lot on food and alcohol, it is almost certainly not going to work for you to pare this budget back to the bone, because you will feel deprived and then you will rebel.

Once you know what you spend now, you can try to cut down by setting a sensible/generous limit on this, and then shopping back in areas that will cause you less stress. Maybe you're happy to keep the wine but you don't care if you get a haircut so frequently, or whatever. You need to set your own priorities.

If you shop drunk online then please go in and manually disable any saved passwords or one-click type payment options. Make it really hard for you to spend the money by having to type in your card number and password and account details each and every time.

[mycatisblack]

You need to see a debt adviser who will help you to draw up a realistic budget and sort out a sensible repayment schedule. The sooner you acknowledge the scale of the problem and start to take responsibility for resolving it, the sooner you will feel more able to cope.
Citizens Advice should be able to help you take the first steps.
It might also be sensible to look at visiting an AA meeting to curb your drunken spending sprees.

[AdoraBell]

Delete your cards from any online sights where the card details are saved. If use the cards when you drink then shred them.

Get the card/details back from your mum and don’t let anyone use it again.

Then get the help suggested up thread. Good luck.

[NotStayingIn]

Hope you are able to make use of the great advice given so far. But coming back to your mother for one sec; I do think you need to work out what is her debt and agree a payment plan with her. Raking up debt on your daughters credit card (even if they allow it) is disgusting, she’s actually making me quite angry. You shouldn’t be solely left with this mess.

[ThighThighOfthigh]

I used to have a bad online shopping habit but i now find i enjoy it just as much without making the actual purchase. Now I still do the comparisons and read the reviews and pop it in my basket. Then take it out again.

I also used to drunk shop and had to hide my surprise when 2 microwaves, a suitcase and 2 Deep Purple tickets turned up.

I've found baking is quite therapeutic, the more processes the better. You can't worry and pipe icing at the same time. Don't go buying loads of baking equipment though!

I went to Consumer Credit Counselling Service after I got in a mess with consolidating debts.

[Totaldogsbody]

Can you change your cards for 0% interest cards and transfer your balances over when you get the new card cut it up so you won't use it and close the other accounts. It will be tough going but some of the 0% interest deals are for 2yrs and you could just keep changing when they run out, but make sure to do this cos some have quite high Apr when the 2yrs are over. Make sure your mum pays you the amount she ran up.

[hannahnr]

Visit your nearest citizens advice and ask to be referred to a debt advisor in your area. They can help you with your options including a debt relief order

[RaiderGirl94]

OP can I ask what you buy online? It’s easy to say stop but if this is an addiction. Perhaps only 1 day a week do online shop with a certain amount. Cutting it out completely will make you spend more when you crack. It sounds silly I suggest getting a money jar & saving a little every week to pay off debts x

[PooWillyBumBum]

Ring Christians Against Poverty (you don’t need to be religious - I’m an atheist and think what they do is fab) and have a chat, get it all off you chest.

I also echo others that you need to delete the credit card details and cut up the cards.

[FurryDogMother]

This is possibly a rather silly suggestion, but it works for me - I have a terrible (well, I had a terrible) addiction to online shopping - it cheered me up - Amazon stuff, mostly. Now what I do is just add stuff to my ever-increasing wishlist but never actually buy it. It seems to satisfy the shopping urge and doesn't cost a penny. Worth a try whilst you're working out how to reduce your debts?

[grafittiartist]

Definitely have a visit to the money saving expert forums. Lots of help there.
One way we reigned it in a bit was by getting cash for the week out each Friday. Cash felt more real.
Good luck with it.

[78percentLindt]

Tell your credit card company that you have lost your card and ask for it to be stopped and a new one issued. Then don't let your mother near the new one and don't use it youself.
Work out how much she has spent and ask for repayment - either immediately or at least your minimum payment monthly and then pay that off your card and also pay some down yourself. If she gives it as a lump sum, pay it off the card straight away.
Only pay for items in cash, and as others have said, do not allow any on line shopping sites to save your card details. I don't have my details saved for sites or very rarely.
Then approach CAB or Christans against poverty.

[IAmBumblebee]

Also may I suggest finding a local AA group or similar? Even if you get a grip on your spending, you implied that there may be an underlying issue with alcohol which could damage any financial progress you make. Don't be afraid to seek help (if you need it). x