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Nerdygalwithabook Sun 17-Apr-16 14:27:07

Hi, I'm slowly writing a book/story and wondered if I could post small bits as I write them, like instalments and see what you guys think?

runyoucleverboy Tue 19-Apr-16 23:03:15

Yes, please do! I love to see what people are working on. What is your book about?

I'm sure you'll get some great feedback on here smile

CocktailQueen Tue 19-Apr-16 23:06:55

I'd love to see as well!

Nerdygalwithabook Wed 20-Apr-16 00:09:44

Yay thank you guys!!!
It's about a Manor House and a girl that moves in to it with her grandpa. She discovers secrets / it uses flashbacks and character change. But some ideas for plot would be useful!
I had given up hope of people replying ! When I get to computer I will post it 😀

Nerdygalwithabook Wed 20-Apr-16 10:13:49

There it stood, almost Luminous in the soft rose glow of the setting Sun. The slabs of stone shone silver as if the Moon itself had graced them with its ethereal touch. The bricks stood shimmering gold, merged in to a fascinating picture of divine colours and beautifully highlighted countryside.
The Manor its self, stood proud and unflinching against the unwavering stares it bore. Its grounds were carpeted in lush grass, manicured to perfection, with colourful yet somehow elegant flowers lining the edges of the grass that framed the front of the Manor.
“Come now Marie dear”. Said the kind faced lady taking her hand. The gentle touch soother Marie and she moved towards the lady automatically.
“I know it seems scary but it’s really not, I have known your Grandfather for a very long time and he truly is a wonderful man. The Manor itself has had all sorts of wonderful people live here and many of the rooms are just shrouded in mystery!” enquired the child petulantly.
Sighing the kind face momentarily flashed downcast. “Because they are so so very busy that they just couldn’t spend the time with you that they think you deserve.”
Marie remained silent but her face smoothed in to a passive one. As they approached the large wooden doors, Marie started to stumble, the thoughts in her head started to go wild, shrieking and howling like a temperamental gust of wind. The Lady knocked on the door, and even though Marie had not long known her, she suddenly felt like she was the only constant left in her life, and gripped on to her tightly whilst tears stung her eyes. With a gust of cool air, a welcome sensation after the long train journey, the door swung open to reveal a stately yet welcoming, fair and kind looking man. His face although mapped with wrinkles had a certain youth about it.
“Do come in my dear Ladies, let me escort you to the cloakroom and then we shall get comfortable!”
He lead them through the entrance porch, which was large and cold with brick walls and stone floors, in to a small room that adorned it. It had pegs with names above them lined around the walls of the room, and then a coat stand labelled `visitors`.
“Marie” He said kindly pointing at the wall.
“I had a name tag made up for you, you have your own hook and a shoe stand below it”
“Thank you” She whispered, not quite finding her voice. He looked over at her with a smile and gestured towards the door. Out she walked and he led them in to a large living room style room full of ornate sofas and heavy, tall candles.
“This is the downstairs sitting room, generally we only use it for house guests. The young uns have their own living room just on the second floor. Actually the second floor is essentially yours to run around, you see we have the living room for guests here, though there is the staff kitchen and the personal kitchen and further on are conference rooms and such. Upstairs there is five bedrooms and 4 bathrooms, an art room and a living area as well as a couple of other old rooms you are free to explore in.”
Marie looked up, intrigue crossing her face.
“Finally, a GIRL my age!” Shrieked a girl as she popped up, wild eyed from behind the sofa.
“Bernadette ... one of these days you’re going to knock me off of my feet with fright you awful child” said the gentleman smiling warmly at the girl.
She grinned back at him and then bounded over to grasp Maries hand.
“Oh how old are you? I`m twelve!”
“I`m twelve too” Marie smiled

runyoucleverboy Thu 21-Apr-16 22:20:48

Your writing is very descriptive! I couldn't work out who was speaking in the 3rd paragraph, I thought it was the lady but it ends with the child enquiring petulantly, is there a bit missing?

I love the idea of your book, have you got a rough plot mapped out or are you just writing as you go?

Nerdygalwithabook Thu 21-Apr-16 22:42:10

Oh there is a bit missing! Dammit it's about her parents. I will update it. I have only a tough plot line. Was hoping to gain some Inspo here. So you think it's ok?

Nerdygalwithabook Thu 21-Apr-16 22:42:27

Rough **

Nerdygalwithabook Thu 21-Apr-16 22:46:06

The line reads.
"But WHY can't I just stay with my parents?!"

runyoucleverboy Thu 21-Apr-16 23:46:11

Ahh that makes sense now, I read it over and over and couldn't work out what I was missing!
Yes, I like it. It's got a nice sense of mystery, you want to find out what's going on with Marie's parents and why she's there and it seems like it will be a lovely setting for a story.
The only couple of points I would say is to take 'kind' out of the man's description as you've used it twice for the lady so could get too repetitive. Also my brain wants to skim over the list of rooms so you could maybe just mention a couple of them and let Marie discover the rest as she goes along.
Not sure I'll be much help with plot, I read a lot but haven't written a thing! Hopefully some of the more experienced posters will come along to help with that.

FelicityR313 Thu 21-Apr-16 23:54:53

It reads very like Enid Blyton! I am intrigued!

FelicityR313 Thu 21-Apr-16 23:57:02

I would have started off with the dialogue between the child and nanny first and then moved onto the description of the house from the outside.

Are you writing for an intended audience? I think little girls always love a good story about an orphan meeting a friend etc..

Nerdygalwithabook Thu 21-Apr-16 23:57:14

runyoucleaverboy
If I write that there's several rooms she can explore would that be better?
Also can you think of better words than kind lol
Thank you all advice is good!

felicity
Thank you!

Nerdygalwithabook Thu 21-Apr-16 23:58:23

See I'm sort of going between two angles. I want a bit of real life thrown in there. Maybe after the first chapter it skips to a few years later. Real life problems with a hint of humour ?

Nerdygalwithabook Thu 21-Apr-16 23:59:27

So maybe late teen to adult. I dont know sad the setting of a major might be completely wrong for that age group

Nerdygalwithabook Thu 21-Apr-16 23:59:42

Manor**

FelicityR313 Fri 22-Apr-16 00:03:44

I'm not sure late teens to adults would identify with 12 year old children.
If the child isn't going to be the protagonist, I would open with her at the age that you intend writing about her at.
So, you could have a twenty year old, having inherited a manor, coming back unwillingly or something (though that sounds a bit Mills & Boon).

I actually think though, that if you focus on the relationship/perils/strifes/rivalry between the two girls (and perhaps a mystery as to who the girls are), then you could be onto a winner in book terms.

Nerdygalwithabook Fri 22-Apr-16 00:10:08

So if I started it at her age which could be twenty or whatever.
I like your ideas! Moreeeee!

runyoucleverboy Fri 22-Apr-16 00:23:05

I like Felicity's thinking. You could maybe shorten that bit right down and use it as a prologue if you want to keep it at the beginning and then have the two women maybe having an acrimonious battle over inheriting the manor but with flashbacks through the novel of them as girls, growing up in the manor, best friends but maybe some rivalry over the Grandad's affections?

FelicityR313 Fri 22-Apr-16 00:30:42

A bit of DNA evidence and disputed inheritance, secret family scandals.....

Nerdygalwithabook Fri 22-Apr-16 16:11:54

Ohhh thats good! Wanna see the update?

runyoucleverboy Sun 24-Apr-16 22:51:16

Yes!!

Nerdygalwithabook Mon 25-Apr-16 14:48:06

Marie smiled thinking back to when she had just met Bernadette, the swirling emotions of being so young and so far away from her parents and the life she knew. Not that she regretted it now. In fact she was happy with how it had turned out, she couldn’t say she thanked her parents for their selfless decision because they hadn’t actually thought of her at all whilst make the said decision.
She felt the anger begin to rise up inside of her, hot lava that made her fingers tingle whenever she thought about her parents and how selfish they were. She hadn’t had proper contact with them in a few years now, occasionally she received a birthday card with a fifty pound note in it but she knew that was just their way of compensating their guilt. The reason they never came back for her was because they didn’t want to have to hire help for her Granddad so what better than to put her there as a young girl and she could grow up to help him out for the rest of her life.
Luckily for her she was not expected to do so, her Granddad was still sprightly and happy and seemed to dislike her parents just as much as she did.
“Marie, It`s time” called Bernadette. She sighed and pulled herself upright. Today was the day she was due to meet Ernie Earlsworth again. He was the most vile, smarmy excuse for a man she had ever met. Somehow his know it all and rather up herself Mother had taken it upon herself to decide that they were destined for each other. Bernadette found this situation enormously funny and she took great pleasure in watching Marie struggle to send him on his way.
“Bernie please just tell them I`m out, go to the restaurant and tell them I am on holiday!”
“One problem with that…” Laughed Bernadette.
“What?” Marie cried.
“They are already here.”
“They were meant to meet me at the restaurant, oh Bernie you know she’s going to go shopping around everywhere, she just thinks I am ideal for her stupid son because she thinks I am keeping this huge blimin house!”
She stomped off down the stairs, deliberately pausing in front of the mirror to ruff up her hair and make sure she had no traces of make up on her face. She grinned at her mucky reflection in paint covered dungarees. She had just been painting one of the rooms whilst drafting a poem in her head.
“To cry is to release
The pain held within.
To drop your burdenous leaves
Like an autumn tree.”
She recited lightly as she stomped down the stairs in her odd socks. Is Burdenous even a word she pondered?
“MARIE, MY DARLING HOW LOVELY TO SEE YOU!”
Mrs Earlsworth’s screeching voice echoed around the living room.
“Mrs Earlsworth, why are you in here? My Granddad has expressed his feelings to you several times. You should be in the dining room”
“Oh Marie don’t be a stick in the mud, it’s such a lovely room. Plus I wanted to look around and see what we could change, and possibly sell for a bit of extra cash. I could use a comfortable retirement you know.”
“Excuse me…” Marie stuttered.
“When you and Ernie get married silly!”
Right on time Bernadette ushered Ernie in and stood next to Marie grinning.
“Hello beautiful women” Ernie drawled trying to grab her hand to kiss, yet ending up smooching thin air as she flew backwards.
“Oh hard to get ai, well save it for the wedding night” He leered.
“I’m Sorry” Marie said sternly. “I do not intend to marry Ernie, not now, not EVER. To be frank you are being incredibly rude to invite yourselves in to my Granddad’s house and assume I’m going to go along with what you say just because you’re a pair of gold diggers!”
Shaking she made a move towards the door and beckoned them to follow and proceed through.
“Oh now don’t be so rude to your house guests!” Began Mrs Earlsworth but Marie cut her words short and snapped “You are NOT guests of this house, you are never welcome back here or in to the grounds! Now go!”
As the door slammed behind them Bernadette hugged her. “You know they are going to go around the whole village and say you plan to knock everything down and turn it in to council flats or something” she smirked.
“Oh Bernie, that’s why I want to get away from here. A small village, where everybody knows everybody and you can never do anything without someone interfering!"

albertcampionscat Mon 25-Apr-16 14:49:58

Thank you for posting this. As an experiment, how about cutting half the adjectives/adverbs and seeing how it reads?

Nerdygalwithabook Mon 25-Apr-16 16:16:43

I could do that now if your around in ten mins or so to read it?

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