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Something a bit different - sense or nonsense?

(6 Posts)
infiniteregression Mon 18-May-15 20:36:24

OK, am writing something and need an opinion. Don't want to show to anyone I know as I really can't tell what to make of it. Just kinda came out:

As you talk, my perceptions turn 90 degrees and the real you overwhelms me. Here is a glowing angel of existence, a matrix of numbers whose movements lead multiple integrations through the air, whose heartbeats trace a living histogram of red into blue into red, and whose words dance a slow waltz of data-carrying waves.

You look at me and I see/feel complex patterns of information flowing between us. Limbic synergy, bonded memories, elegantly coordinated body-language and the unspoken dreams of a shared future weave together to form a unified tapestry of being. Many dimensions and many systems, but together they have a life of their own, reaching beyond us into the outside world and making the universe a place of meaning.

holeinmyheart Mon 18-May-15 23:02:40

Sorry but I think it is a real effort to read this. It has far too forced a feeling about it, and it's way too complicated.
It doesn't feel as though it is from anyone's soul. It feels as though it is very artificial and contrived and therefore doesn't say much.
It is very difficult to write about feelings. I suggest you read F.Scott Fitzgerald Short stories. They are truly beautiful.
He expresses emotion economically and powerfully. He was a genius.

StupidBloodyKindle Mon 18-May-15 23:14:47

I like the opening sentence and would like to be described as an angel, who wouldn't? But I am not sure what you are trying to convey with the rest....a meeting of minds through technology? Love at first byte? Probably because of matrix, histograms, data, all sounds like it belongs in a Bjork lyric or Her screenplay (I'm not saying it is bad, I admire anyone who puts pen to paper, it just doesn't speak to me).

TigerFeat Mon 18-May-15 23:22:26

Sorry, but you lost me before the end of the first paragraph.

Though, I'm possibly not the best person to respond as I need everything in Plain English.

Noeuf Mon 18-May-15 23:25:42

For a sci-fi novel? It reads quite well, weirdly!

infiniteregression Tue 19-May-15 07:22:52

Thanks for the feedback, is a story about a man with synesthesia and thought I'd try something out. Looks like I'm taking the wrong approach, will rewrite!

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