Should I contact friend after second failed IVF?

[PermanentGrowthSpurt]

I'd be really grateful for some advice on how to deal with the following...

I have an 8 week old DD, conceived on our very first go at IVF - we were incredibly lucky.

My good friend has just had her second failed IVF treatment and I'm not sure what to say to her. If this was you, would you want to hear from someone who got pregnant on her first go at IVF? Or would it just be too hard to deal with someone who easily got what you so desperately want?

I can't imagine how hard it is to have a failed IVF cycle, let alone two - has anyone been in this situation before?

[Nevaeh]

Hi I've not had IVF and Wouldn't know much about it however if you are as good a friends as you say you should be there for her and support her if you walk away she might feel abandoned.. just be you how you always have been let her know you are there for her...

By the way congratulations

[ilovemydogandMrObama]

Just be her friend. Let her tell you what's difficult for her, and not try to be the judge of how she is feeling. Am sure she thinks of you as her friend rather than a label of 'woman who had success of IVF...'

[Strawberrycornetto]

My friend recently had a 2nd ivs not work. I haven't had IVF but I do have two children. The night she found out we went out for dinner. She wanted to talk about it for a while and then talk about other stuff. She does feel sad about other people's pregnancies i know but she copes. If you are a good friend, don't cut her off. She will appreciate your support.

[WhoKnew2010]

I would talk to her, hang out with her but not bring it up unless she does or it's relevant. I wouldn't contact her about the failed attempt and would give her a bit of time to absorb it - but you know your friend better.

We have 3 IVF kids (out of 6 cyles) and the third was conceived on a cycle where I made a really good friend who has still not had a child countless cycles later (although she has now been diagnosed as a coeliac and there are currently two heartbeats - but I digress - just v. excited).

She lives abroad so its easier but when I email or occasionally see her I talk about work, DH, her life, anything but I never mention our child. I know he's here, she knows he's here but there are enough other things to talk about. It hurts so much, I don't think there's any need to bring it up.

And congratulations to you. We are the truly lucky ones.

[WhoKnew2010]

ps - just because I can't resist. We had two failures and then a success but I'm adamant that you have to go to the best clinics. If she's done two at the same clinic and it hasn't worked, I would move. The IF boards (fertility friends or abroad IVFConnections) are fantastic sources of information.

[PermanentGrowthSpurt]

Thanks, everyone. All your advice makes perfect sense - I'm clearly not thinking straight!

WhoKnew - what an amazing success rate, congratulations! And good advice about moving clinics. I may bring that up if we do talk about her IVF.

Thanks again!