NOT leaving mn, but taking my leave of the ttc board. so long and thanks for all the fish!!

[lissielovessparklers]

my last mc was 2m ago, my first was 4y ago. we are currently on our last cycle of clomid, see cons next month and unless there have been massive breakthroughs in rmc since the last time, we are done. no more options. im phsically shattered and emotionally wrecked. the mc's are getting harder to recover from, meanwhile I'm getting more bitter and angry about other peoples fertility.

being infertile is shit and colours the way you see your body and your role in the world. you feel less womanly than all those able to say "oh, we caught first time". I hate the person that ftc has made me into. its time to put her away and concentrate on ds and not all the siblings that we have lost. its utterly soul destroying to sit in the toilet sobbing month after month, and I refuse to do it anymore.

I wont get pg now, this isn't one of those well meaning anecdotes about the woman who tried for years then had a baby on the same day as the adoption paperwork arrived. there is a reason I am infertile, this isnt just bad luck and I cant put my family through it any more. so I am blocking the ttc threads now, will pop into the hut occasionally to say hi. I hope you all get the babies that you crave and thank you for all the advice and support over the last 3y xx

[HollyGoHeavily]

Hi Lissie

Life is so unfair sometimes...

I know we are not supposed to do this but x

[asianbabe]

I really feel for you and what you've gone through over the last four years. TTC is really tough and can be quite soul destroying.

I know it easy for me to say but please try not to beat yourself up about it, you are no less of a woman than any of us. All my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Take care of yourself and be strong.

[Kayzr]

Lissie, sending you a massive I couldn't care less if it isn't very MN.

Sending you lots of love! x

[morningpaper]

lissie xxxx

[MadameDuBain]

I have so admired your bravery lissie and still do with this decision. Wishing you all the best and glad you're staying on MN.

[cedar12]

Lissie xxx

[iateallthecreameggsyummy]

aww Lissie I totally understand sweet please remember we will all be here if and when you need to talk!

Hope to see you around some other threads though! xx

[yellowflowers]

Hi Lissie,

In my two years on MN I have occasionally come across your threads - just to wish you all the love in the world for the future.

YF x

[Lulumama]

lissie what to say? that has not been said. you know that we all love you xxxx

[lissielovessparklers]

just want to say thank you all. I know that I have made the right decision for all of us. our lives have to move on now. I've been offered promotion at work, DH is joining RAF and we will be moving away, DS starts school in January and I feel like I've been in mourning for the last 4y, not just for the beans we've lost, but for the ones that will never happen.

I will never forget them, but I have son who is alive and needs me. ttc nearly killed me.

we haven't ruled out adoption (but not for a few years)so I may yet be posting about prams. I always thought that when I decided to stop I would feel relief, but I don't. it really is just a quiet conviction that I am doing the right thing. no more op's, no more tests, no more examinations. maybe I can get some of my dignity back now.

[Duritzfan]

dear Lissie,

I have only just begun to get to know you .. but I know how you feel and I admire you for facing up to this..its an impossibly hard thing to do..

I wish you all the very best with your move and hope you begin to find the peace that when you are ttc seems to be elusive..

lots of love