Can anyone offer me any advice on my seemingly hopeless secondary infertility?

[KRabbit]

I'm just trying to workout whether to give up and move on or keep hoping.

I'm 37 and have a beautiful 2.5 year old son. It took us two years and a laparoscopy before we conceived him (theres actually nothing much wrong with me, but my hubby has a low sperm count - around 14 million/ml. We'd been advised to consider IVF when it happened naturally).

We've been trying again ever since my son was born and nothing's happened. Been back to the clinic for more tests, hubby's sperm count still low (between 9-14million/ml - this is thought to be due to an undescended testicle op he had as a child). Advised again to either just keep trying or try IUI if we can save up for it (my PCT won't fund IVF if you already have a child).

I think its become clear that it won't happen naturally and we simply can't raise the money for private IVF. (Our credit rating was destroyed last year because of some debt problems we were recession victims. We're back on our feet now but with several CCJs and with still a lot of outstanding debt to our name no bank will lend to us!) so we can't borrow the money, we don't have savings and noone in the family will help us - we've already tried asking/begging).

I am so horribly depressed, dreading every time I meet one of the other mums I know with children my son's age, as they have all had their second (and even third in some cases) children by now. Just the site of a baby can reduce me to tears. I have a room stuffed full of baby things and I can't bear to get rid of them. Just an advert for nappies or baby milk can reduce me to a sobbing wreck and my husband is losing patience. I've tried talking to friends and family and they either don't understand or (like my mother in law) say cruel, hurtful things.

I'm an at-home-mum and am dreading when my son goes to nursery, because I don't know what I will do with myself, I had always imagined I'd have another baby to care for by that point.

I feel so hopeless. I want to find out if anything is wrong with me but my PCT won't fund further tests. I have BUPA cover through my job but all fertility testing/treatment is excluded. Is there anything I can do? I'm sick of crying and being miserable all the time. I just want to stop hating myself and be happy again. Should I just try and give up and move on or will I be stuck like this as long as I'm deluding myself?

[pinkypanther]

Hi KRabbit. So sorry to hear you're having a hard time.

Could you consider egg donation to get a free IVF cycle? I know some places cut off at 35 but not sure if that's a universal thing.

No doubt someone else more helpful will be along in a minute but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

Just one final thing though - NEVER give up hope. Or at least not yet! Sure, there is being realistic about things, but if you conceived naturally before then it's possible you could do again. The practice nurse at my surgery told me that she went through an early menopause, just after her son was born - and was told she would never have any more children. She stopped using the contraceptive pill and a year later she was pregnant! You never know what mother nature will do.

[KRabbit]

Hi pinkypanther and thanks for your reply,

Sadly its against NICE guidelines to do egg donation if you're over 35 (I already checked this out - if I'd only know we'd have trouble the second time around I would have done it the year after my son was born but I was so deluded I thought it would be OK next time). There isn't a clinic in the UK which would accept a 37 year old as an egg donor AFAIK. I'd always be happy to do it provately of course but then I doubt anyone would pay for 37 year old eggs when they can probbaly get younger ones. . .

I don't really know what to do which is why I was posting this, I feel like its time to move on but I'm so depressed and not coping with the pain. I hate that we can't raise the funds for IVF and that we seem to have fallen through a loophole, ie no access to NHS IVF, too old to egg donate, not enough money to do private IVF. Most people seem to be able to manage to do at least one of the three.

I think my age and DH's low sperm count are just combining to make it impossible . . .

[wendy271]

Hi Sorry to hear you're feeling like this. I also have secondary infertility. After TTC for 2 years and aged 35 I have only just plucked up the courage to get tests so no idea what will happen. I'm really angry with myself for leaving it so long, just kept thinking, "one more month...". Don't really have much advice but was wondering if doing something to take your mind off things might help? I have just signed up for a part time course (which actually turned out to be free). I'm hoping it might make me less stressed about the whole thing, which can't hurt...

[Janus]

Krabbit, I'm so sorry to read your post and do understand a little of what you feel. At 35 we tried for our third and it took over 2 years, lots of tests, one miscarriage but finally it happened. I was obsessed with the trying to conceive, etc and it was hard. My dp did have one bad sperm count result but we were told to go back 3 months later and it we had a completely different reading. I took Zita West supplements and tried to get him to take it but I don't think he took that many! (She does do a supplement to help men with conception.) A warning, it's not cheap, but maybe worth an effort?
I think our big turning point was going away on holiday and just forgetting everything a bit. We had sex, no baby making sex, just sex again, it was great! And bingo, came home and 3 weeks later discovered I was pregnant. I could have murdered anyone who told me 'to relax', I just couldn't but the holiday certainly helped. Just wondered if you had one booked this year?
Good luck, it is heartbreaking so I do hope it works out for you.

[coffeecups]

A friend of mine was just on the point of having her first bash at IVF when she conceived. She puts it down to having sex at what she perceived to be the wrong time but was actually the true time that she ovulated,so like Janus i would recommend the recreational sex approach and you just might hit lucky.

Diet, not smoking lots of exercise etc and all supposed to be helpful towards increasing chances of conception.

Good luck

[Ailz]

Hi Krabbit
it only takes one little sperm, not millions! I too have secondary infertility and am undergoing ivf at moment. my infertility is unexplained which is frustrating (as all infertility is) I am 31 and have decided in my head that i will give it 3 goes and have a serious review to decide if i should flog a dying horse any longer. I feel my advice may be unpopular, but something you have given thought to yourself: to give up. i know, dont shout at me. my dh and i discussed this. we said that we dreaded looking back on our 30s and saying that it was a pity that we gave up that time, our youth, trying and failing to have another baby, when we are lucky to have one already. we will be sensible, try for a while, do our best and if it doesnt work, leave it. throw out the thermometers and charts, the opks and just carry on. live life to the full with one child, have relaxed holidays, no inter-sibling fighting,and all the other advantages. i mean really and truly move on, not pretend to move on. get counselling if necessary. make up your mind. to be honest i would give that mother in law a piece of my mind too. if anyone makes another unpleasant comment i would simply say 'how dare you, who do you think you are?' and see them squirm.
I really REALLY wish you the best of luck with your decision. dont lose heart. my advice is one persons opinion, there are many more and yours is what counts. it is so hard. i just advise looking at the bigger picture really. and it is a big picture. there is so much more to life. i think we lose track of that, we think having another baby is the most important thing in the world and it really is not,of that i am sure. good luck again, my thoughts are with you.

[Sawyer64]

This sounds so like a friend of mines story.We all met when our babies were born in 2004,and when they were approaching two most of us were planning the next one,sadly for her it didn't happen,and her DS is nearly 5 yrs old.

Last year they began some cycles of IVF,I believe she was 37 at the time,they had sold their house and downsized so they would have some cash for this.

The cycles weren't successful,and like you her only "problem" was her DH's Low Sperm Count.

This year,in January she conceived naturally!
She is now 38 yrs old.She was told that it would probably happen eventually.She wishes that she'd had a crystal ball and could see that despite all the heartache,that it would happen.

Try not to despair,if you imagine the "odds" are lower for you to get pregnant,that just means that law of averages,it will happen eventually.

It may not be ideal to be an "older mum",but sometimes our lives don't follow the pattern we'd like.
By the way I had my DD1 at age 39yrs and my DD2 at 42.5yrs!

[thandy]

Do herbal medicine such as black cohosh help to conceive?

[Ilovebeingamummy]

I totally recommend homeopathy. It was a miracle for me although a different issue but secondary infertility. Ask a homeopath about Liz lalor/vannier method.

I know it sounds quite barmy but it worked a miracle for me in 2 cycles

[greenbeanie]

There is a book called natural solution for infertility by Marilyn Glenville and there are plenty of tips for improving sperm count which might be worth a try. l-arganine and l-carnitine as supplements as supposed to be really helpful in improving sperm count and improving motility.

[lovechoc]

how are you getting on KRabbit? I know this is an old post but I suspect I may be suffering from secondary infertility myself, just wondered if you could give me any hope..