Anyone with OH that has a low sex drive whilst TTC

[Blondiemum1980]

I'm not sure if this should be in the sex/relationship thread but we are TTC so any advice welcome..

OH has basically no sex drive. I'm incredibly lucky to be able to fall pregnant, I just can't seem to keep hold of them. 2 chemicals in the last 3 months and MMC last year. I've fallen with only DTD once before OV. (I do have 2dc from previous marriage).

I've had blood tests which were 'normal' & waiting to hear back from recurrent miscarriage clinic.

I take 5mg Folic Acid, Vit D, Ubiquinol (only started this 2 weeks ago) & pregnancy supplement. I am also starting baby asprin (which they've put me on before when PG) to see if they help. I started Soy Isoflavones CD4-8 this cycle too.

Sorry, I'm rambling a bit. I don't know what to do to try and get him to DTD more. He's just not interested. If I'm lucky, it will be once a month (if I'm even luckier, it will be around fertile week), I've tried talking to him & explaining that we need to try at least a couple of times, even if it's to 'refresh' his stock but it seems to be falling on deaf ears. I've also asked outright if we can DTD, but then he got huffy and felt as if I was demanding it. Flirting, seduction, nice undies etc have zero effect. He's on Wellman conceive & Maca. I don't in anyway go on about it, if anything, I hardly mention it at all, so I don't think I'm putting pressure on him.

Has anyone had the same problem or got any advice? I'm getting on a bit now and every month counts... I feel as if I'm taking all these supplements to improve the outcome, but it's no good without him & his swimmers to do their bit!!

I think it just feels worse today, I've got my peak on the CB and +opk, so today really is the last day for this month, if not already too late.

Sorry if I sound moany, I just don't know what to do.

Thank you for reading xx

[Sash887]

No advice, I just didn't want to read and run. Maybe he is worried as you say you have had a number of complications in TTC to it maybe he is anxious it could happen again? Maybe he sees what your going through. I would definitely try and talk to him about it and see how he feels. Men hide a lot of things. Also is he on anything that gives him a low sex drive? Sometime all these vitamin tablets don't agree with our bodies and have an impact on our mental health. My other half is really active and that seems to up his sex drive so that also might be something you could encourage. I'm sorry if none of these ideas dont sound any good as I said I didn't want to read and run. Hope it all works out for you both and you conceive a healthy baby soon xx

[QuentinWinters]

Does he want a baby? Has he always had low sex drive or is it worse now?

[Banbi]

Hi @Blondiemum1980 I don't have any answers I'm afraid, but just a quick one to empathise. I'm in the same boat. DP has always had a low sex drive, which is frustrating anyway but so emotional now we're TTC. I'm lucky that he's mostly up for timing it for conception, I can imagine what you're going through.

Sorry too for your losses. I had a mmc in March and its heartbreaking.

[Blondiemum1980]

Thank you for all your replies, I really appreciate it.

He's not been on the Wellman for very long, so I don't think it is that. In fact, the Maca and considerably helped his general mood! (unfortunately not his sex drive!!)

He has a very active job which involves long hours & walking around fields, I think this probably makes him so tired & stressed which doesn't help. I don't ask him to do anything around the house or with the children & really do try to minimise jobs/stress when he's at home to at least take the pressure off.

He did have an 'normal' sex drive when we were first together, although he was never more than a 'more than once a night' type of chap. Yes, he was definitely affected by the MMC - it did drag on for quite a while with the multiple scans as the growth wasn't good enough, followed by the medical management then by the ERPC. It was a rough time tbh, but it was quite a while ago now. I haven't really spoken too much about the Chemicals with him, I'm quite pragmatic about them really, even though it does really hurt. I think if I was more emotional about them, he would probably not want to try again.

I think he's quite happy if it happens, but also happy if it doesn't, IYKWIM - so there's no way he'd put my fertile days in his diary!!!

I find it hard because we are TTC, so missing out on really important times in the month - the clock is not so much ticking, but spinning round for me!! But I also find it hard as a woman, I actually quite like sex, so would be happy at any time during the month!

It's such a delicate subject to talk about, he gets quite defensive when I bring the subject up so I try to avoid it. I know he's tired & stressed with work so definitely don't push it, but I do find it hard to get my head around the fact that he can go months without it. I've always thought men were quite sexual beings, so it really has taken me a long time to get used to the fact that he just isn't fussed about it.

So I guess he could be put off by the losses, or way too tired/stressed with work, or maybe he's just not as bothered by it as I am. I'm at a bit of a loss with it all really (It's not a great confidence booster either!!).

Thank you again xx

[sillysmiles]

I think you need to point out to him that he is making it your responsibility to conceive and you can't do it alone!
I know that's blatantly obvious but sometimes there obvious needs to be stated.

[QuentinWinters]

Yeah I agree with silly
Maybe he'd consider you doing self insemination if sex is too much? (Mind you it would mean he'd need to wank and I dont know if you can store the semen at home).
Maybe you could consider going to counselling to facilitate what is clearly a sensitive convo?

[gypsywater]

Have you been together a long time? How old is he? Sounds really tough.

[Blondiemum1980]

We’ve been together nearly 3 years. I’m 40, hrs 53 - but a young 53 IYKWIM! I will try & broach the subject with him again - it takes two! I’ll also suggest the insemination & see what he says, I think he’ll be horrified but worth a go... it’s starting the conversation that’s difficult, if he’s absorbed in work then usually the shutters come straight down, so timing is key. I can’t be the only one with an OH that gets so absorbed in work?! I realise from reading above that it’s not great and perhaps I should try harder to get through to him. Thank you for all the replies xx

[gypsywater]

Good luck with the chat. My partner has a very exhausting and physical job and is often too tired through the week...and hes in his late 20s!

[sexishard]

I am 32, DH is 36. We have been married 9 years and had our share of challenges around sex. He has lower drive than me, and mine has also decreased a lot in the last several years and pops back up rarely with no predictability. Trying to get our sex drives to coordinate so we are both interested at the same time has been so hard and often emotionally draining for me. He likes spontaneous sex but for me to do that takes so much energy and mental prep that it devastates me when he rejects it. Now that we are ttc it is a whole new layer of exhaustion. We managed only two days in a row and I just tolerated both times. I felt interest all during ovulation day and it took the entire day to finally convince him to have sex with me. Being an introvert and a bit awkward about being forward that takes a LOT of energy for me. By the time we did - No significant arousal for me. I hoped that a third and final time in a row this month I could enjoy it but I couldn't and nor could he. We gave up for this cycle. I have this feeling deep down that I hate the idea of conceiving to dutiful passionless unenjoyable sex. If I did, it makes me feel like we are not a strong enough couple to be bringing a child into our family, if we can't even enjoy sex with each other. It also just makes me feel like my youth and vitality is gone and that I won't have any left for my child. It's irrational but so hard to shake. It's so deep in me. This is just the beginning of this process and it's so hard already. It's hard to hear people say "this is the fun part have all the unprotected sex you want." They don't know that me and especially DH don't want very much. It's been helpful to see I am not alone.