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Much older partner

10 replies

Rixera · 14/03/2019 16:09

Bit of a WWYD.

I've tried a whole bunch of contraceptive methods and haven't found one that works. Horrible symptoms ranging from breast changes that caused mastitis (didn't even get it when BFing!) to month-long periods.

OH is very good and I'm sure would be happy with condoms if I asked but I like the whole skin-on-skin thing.

And I'm wondering...

He's much older. 68 to be precise. Do we really need to bother?

I'm also quite broody and I know he regrets not having his own children. And I've done/am still kind of doing the single mum thing so I can manage..

I would obviously talk to him before stopping contraception. But- oh I don't know what I'm posting! Is it really risky to 'let the chips fall as they may' at his age? How do you gauge male fertility anyway, it's not like there's skipped periods to go by...

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Tomtontom · 14/03/2019 16:28

If you're going to stop using contraception then you need to talk to him, nobody else.

Men can still be fertile at that age.

Do you want to bring a child into the world knowing their dad is unlikely to be here past their first ten years? What will that do to the child?

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Rixera · 14/03/2019 17:45

Ah, I know, that's why I need Mumsnet logic. I've had rough discussions with him before and he's always sensible which just makes me start crying about wanting to give him a baby and that's painful & unfair for both of us. Since I have to think about life without him, and he has to tell me not to have the child we both want.

He would be such a great dad, it's an injustice life didn't work out that way :(

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TheShiteRunner · 14/03/2019 17:49

My father has had children in his late 60s (I was part of his first family.) He seems like a good dad to them but it breaks my heart that they were born with the burden of the fact that they will lose a parent when they're very young, or will have very a very old man to care for and worry about.

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Ribbonsonabox · 14/03/2019 17:52

We just rely on the withdrawal method because we are married and if I were to get pregnant then we would be in a position to keep the child... I have two children already with him... I've never gotten pregnant so far from the withdrawal method. I actually think if you are in a serious relationship where you are not averse to the idea of having children then it's a valid option. Obviously you both have to be on board with that decision.

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Lexilooo · 14/03/2019 18:08

What about tracking your cycles as contraception and using condoms during risky times of the month. Not the most reliable method but it sounds as though pregnancy wouldn't be a disaster

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Rixera · 14/03/2019 20:42

@TheShiteRunner that's the trouble we are (well, I am) facing. He accepted not being a father a good while ago. Whereas it completely breaks my heart that I can't have a baby with the man I love. That's one of the ways our age difference crops up. He has just had longer to accept not having kids.

Hmm, I've never heard of the withdrawal method being successful- but if it works for you... Perhaps with his age meaning it's less likely anyway..

I've never in my life tracked my cycles as either I was too young, pregnant with DD, or on birth control. So that would be daunting, but will think about it.

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Lexilooo · 14/03/2019 21:35

You could use something like persona or natural cycles to help with tracking cycles as a method of contraception (also known as the rhythm method) and use a condom or withdrawal as back up while getting used to it and for fertile week. It isn't that difficult

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Rixera · 15/03/2019 13:01

Spoke to OH, he's of the opinion that those methods are so risky we might as well just say we are trying, because it would only be an excuse

(Why does he have to be so sensible about everything)

He doesn't want to bring a child into the world knowing I will end up a single mum again when he considers himself lucky to be stepdad to DD. I ended up in tears (again) over the fact that he will eventually die and I will have nothing of him left, he'll have no child to carry on through.

It's the only time I really mind the age gap :(

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StarlightIntheNight · 15/03/2019 13:28

I would say, if you are in love and you both want a child, take the risk. You should not use the fact of old age and he might die soon as a factor. You can never know when someone might die. My close friend had a baby at 32, got diagnosed with breast cancer when her baby was 4 months, and died before the baby turned 2! Some old people live to late 80s etc...and then there are many people who can get sick and die young...you never know when your time is up...and accidents happen as well to healthy young people...not to be a debbie downer! But just wanted to open your eyes about the reasoning of not having a child in case your partner dies in ten years....

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Rixera · 15/03/2019 18:31

Mm, that's the trouble though- we don't know what the future might hold. We only know for sure I will not die of old age..

If I were to (god forbid) die early, that would be a child who would lose their mother young, and know they would lose their father too before long.

Lol, now I'm sounding like OH. This is one of his big worries.